1
00:00:27,640 --> 00:00:28,629
Yeah?
2
00:00:28,760 --> 00:00:30,990
No, sit properly
like you’re gonna mean it,
3
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:32,519
like you mean it.
4
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:35,868
No, Waj, don’t muck about.
5
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:37,433
Cos the battery’s gonna go. Sit...
6
00:00:37,560 --> 00:00:39,152
Who’s mucking about, Barry?
I’m not mucking about.
7
00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:40,429
Well, you can’t sit like that.
8
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:41,709
What’s wrong
with how he’s sitting, Barry?
9
00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:43,319
Come and have a look. It’s wrong.
10
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:44,668
There’s nothing wrong with it.
11
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:46,597
- Not you!
- Show me.
12
00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:49,280
No!
Right, what are you looking at?
13
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:50,674
There’s nothing there.
14
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,870
No, there’s nothing there.
Go and sit down.
15
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:55,798
- You can’t see yourself, you mug!
- I thought you were recording it.
16
00:00:55,920 --> 00:00:57,399
Right, sit, sit.
17
00:00:57,520 --> 00:00:59,397
- Faisal, go away.
- I’m ready, I’m ready.
18
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:01,988
- All right.
- Waj, just relax your face.
19
00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:04,873
Focus on what you’re going to say.
Get on with it.
20
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:06,956
- Go, before the battery goes.
- One, two...
21
00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:08,479
Three... action!
22
00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,909
Ey up,
you unbelieving kuffar bastards.
23
00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:13,429
- I’m gonna turn you baked beans...
- No, no, no.
24
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:16,276
- What?
- What’s with the gun?
25
00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:23,798
- Proper replica, man.
- What for? Action Man?
26
00:01:23,920 --> 00:01:25,592
Replica AK-47.
27
00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:27,995
- It’s too small, man.
- Not too small, brother.
28
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:30,352
- My hands.
- Waj...
29
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:31,879
Big hands.
30
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,479
He can’t do it with that gun.
31
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,636
Shut up, Barry.
Try it without, our kid, and let’s go.
32
00:01:35,760 --> 00:01:36,829
It’s too small, believe me.
33
00:01:36,960 --> 00:01:38,712
I’ll hold it near the camera.
That’ll bigger it.
34
00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:40,990
- That’ll what?
- That’ll bigger it.
35
00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:44,873
- Yeah.
- Go now.
36
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:46,877
Ey up, you unbelieving kuffar bastards.
37
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:50,072
No, no, no!
This is absolutely stupid.
38
00:01:51,120 --> 00:01:53,554
These are the outtakes.
You know, the bloopers.
39
00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:56,231
- He looks good.
- Today is a wake-up call.
40
00:01:57,360 --> 00:02:00,033
Today is an opportunity
for you to look in the mirror
41
00:02:00,160 --> 00:02:03,516
at western imperialist culture.
42
00:02:03,640 --> 00:02:05,710
Superficial materialism
43
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:09,230
ends at the capitalist church
of McDonald's.
44
00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:11,828
Flipping idiots.
45
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:15,236
It's as though you just had a Big Mac,
completely oblivious to the amount...
46
00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:18,158
Complete flipping idiots.
47
00:02:18,280 --> 00:02:21,556
You could've gone Chicken Cottage,
proper halal,
48
00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:23,636
bargain bucket £6.99.
49
00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:26,513
- What are you talking about?
- I'm taking about Chicken Cottage.
50
00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:30,189
- There’s one where he doesn’t say that.
- Your bit’s good, Dad.
51
00:02:32,120 --> 00:02:33,109
Take the box off.
52
00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,310
I can’t show my face
cos it's an image.
53
00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:36,589
And images aren't allowed.
54
00:02:36,720 --> 00:02:37,869
You know what? They’re all bloopers.
55
00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,638
Take the box off.
56
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,433
What am I going to do
if he does that at the camp?
57
00:02:42,560 --> 00:02:44,357
Is Uncle Faisal ready to go to Pakistan?
58
00:02:44,480 --> 00:02:47,950
You can't do your jihadi video
with a box on your head.
59
00:02:48,080 --> 00:02:49,035
No way.
60
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:21,672
Ran 23K on the weekend.
61
00:03:21,800 --> 00:03:23,472
6K Saturday morning.
62
00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:28,116
Had a light lunch:
Snack -a-Jacks and a medium apple.
63
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:31,755
5K in the afternoon,
cos obviously it was after lunch, so...
64
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,511
Same again Sunday.
65
00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:39,636
Although in the afternoon
I only did 4K cos I d had a roast.
66
00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:44,399
Would've gone further, you know,
but I started to run a bit lopsided.
67
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:47,717
I’m not slagging my right leg off,
but my left leg is definitely stronger.
68
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,998
I think lefty just wants it more, you know.
69
00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,031
Right leg’s bone idle.
70
00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,628
He’ll just wait there,
let lefty pick up the slack.
71
00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:58,955
Before you know it,
you’re running in curves.
72
00:04:01,080 --> 00:04:03,640
I’m going to have
to put my foot down, you know.
73
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:07,594
Really show him who’s boss. Yeah.
Know what I mean?
74
00:04:07,720 --> 00:04:09,995
You do know you can talk to your legs,
don’t you?
75
00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:12,076
- I need tomorrow off.
- What?
76
00:04:12,200 --> 00:04:14,919
I need tomorrow off,
and the two weeks after that.
77
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:17,998
Jesus, I thought you were serious
about this job, Omar.
78
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:20,111
I’ve got to go to a wedding in Pakistan.
79
00:04:20,240 --> 00:04:23,152
You’ve got to ask yourself
where you’ll be in five years time.
80
00:04:23,280 --> 00:04:26,909
- It’s an emergency.
- What, an emergency wedding?
81
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:29,076
Like a shotgun wedding?
82
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,316
Like a shotgun wedding, yeah.
83
00:04:31,440 --> 00:04:32,634
Right.
84
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:36,956
Well, I’ll have a look at the rota.
85
00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,478
The Feds can track your phone
even if the battery’s out.
86
00:04:44,600 --> 00:04:48,388
- Really?
- Really. They can see you underground.
87
00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:50,431
Can they see you if you’re not there?
88
00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:52,232
Where’s there?
89
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:53,759
I don’t know.
90
00:04:53,880 --> 00:04:55,313
They can see you everywhere, Waj.
91
00:04:55,440 --> 00:04:56,998
Are they looking at us
through cameras?
92
00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:59,554
- Space cameras, yes.
- But...
93
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:03,438
My dad says I’m not supposed
to be on camera. It’s haram.
94
00:05:03,560 --> 00:05:06,711
With the greatest of respect, Faisal,
your dad eats newspaper.
95
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:09,434
- Not any more. He eats moths.
- Exactly, bro.
96
00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,870
Look, the way to stop the Feds
tracking you is very simple.
97
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:17,755
You eat your SIM card.
Get your SIM cards out.
98
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:21,190
You remove the SIM card and...
Yes?
99
00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:25,711
- Can I cook mine?
- No. You must eat it raw, like this.
100
00:05:33,520 --> 00:05:35,272
Good boys.
101
00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:36,556
Salaam, lads.
102
00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,318
Walaykum asalaam.
103
00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,670
- Right.
- We’re eating our SIM cards.
104
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,472
Anti-surveillance.
105
00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:44,238
You know they still work
inside you, Barry.
106
00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,191
- Eh?
- They can still track them inside you.
107
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:48,117
That’s not going to be
very helpful in Pakistan.
108
00:05:48,840 --> 00:05:51,513
- What?
- In Pakistan.
109
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:53,073
Answered the call, bro.
110
00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,474
- What call?
- Training camp.
111
00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:57,598
We’re upgrading.
112
00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:58,914
We’re going.
113
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,315
Why did you get the call?
Why didn’t I get the call?
114
00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:03,556
You don’t have an uncle in Pakistan
last time I checked.
115
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,069
You got an uncle in Folkstone.
Are there any training camps in Folkstone?
116
00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:08,668
Why do we need a training camp, anyway?
We’re primed.
117
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,439
We don’t need some tramp up a mountain,
telling us to set a fuse.
118
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:14,552
We don’t need some Paki Steptoe
telling us when to go.
119
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:16,079
You’re right, Barry.
We can go whenever we want.
120
00:06:16,200 --> 00:06:17,679
Exactly. Whenever we want, bro.
121
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:21,190
Yeah, if you want to be some kind of
sad loner trenchcoat mafia twazzock.
122
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:22,309
What do you mean?
123
00:06:22,440 --> 00:06:26,035
What I mean is, you can either be
a stupid nutter Muslim
124
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:29,038
who blows a bag full of nails
into his own guts at a toilet at TGI s,
125
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:33,472
or you can be a proper soldier
in the Mujahideen.
126
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:36,239
- I’m already in the Mujahideen.
- No, you’re not, bro.
127
00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:38,237
No, not until you join the army
128
00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:39,793
and hold the sword
129
00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:42,480
and touch the sky -
proper chain of command,
130
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:44,670
right to the very top.
131
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,154
- All right, I’m coming.
- Oh, you want Paki Steptoe now?
132
00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:51,316
Listen, I am the most Al Qaeda one here.
133
00:06:51,440 --> 00:06:53,192
Think of the group.
Think of what we’re trying to do.
134
00:06:53,320 --> 00:06:55,515
It’s best you stay here, bro.
135
00:06:55,640 --> 00:06:57,596
You’re a liability
and you’re a loose cannon.
136
00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,358
Bollocks, I’m a liability.
137
00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:00,799
I am the invisible Jihadi.
138
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:02,239
They seek him here,
they seek him there.
139
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,920
But he’s not there,
he’s blowing up your slag sister.
140
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:06,519
- Invisible?
- Yeah.
141
00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:09,518
Like the time you got on the local news
for baking a Twin Towers cake
142
00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,551
and leaving it at the synagogue on 9/11?
143
00:07:11,680 --> 00:07:12,874
That is part of the plan.
144
00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,230
Hide in plain sight, you mug.
145
00:07:15,360 --> 00:07:17,191
And I am coming!
146
00:07:27,560 --> 00:07:29,790
You realise, if I don’t come
with you to Pakistan, bro,
147
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:31,114
Islam is finished.
148
00:07:31,240 --> 00:07:33,754
Listen, bro, we need you over here
to keep a lid on things.
149
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:35,472
So what if I’m not here?
150
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:38,876
Cos I’ve bought a ticket at the airport
to come with you anyways.
151
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,149
You want to come, Fess?
152
00:07:40,280 --> 00:07:43,795
Yeah, it’s just... my dad s
seeing creatures that’s not there.
153
00:07:43,920 --> 00:07:45,797
- So he’ll keep it ticking over here, bro.
- Barry, listen.
154
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,831
- If you answer this question, you can come.
- All right.
155
00:07:51,960 --> 00:07:54,758
Don’t fuck with me, man!
156
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,678
Don’t fuck with Azzam al Britani!
157
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,551
Barry, what are you doing?
158
00:08:02,680 --> 00:08:04,398
Barry, this is crazy.
159
00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:08,638
- Barry, what are you doing?
- Right, if I’m not going, no one is.
160
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:11,794
Spit it out.
161
00:08:15,480 --> 00:08:16,879
It’s gone down his neck.
162
00:08:17,000 --> 00:08:17,876
Right, frog him.
163
00:08:18,000 --> 00:08:20,275
- Frog him in the back.
- Omar, we agreed, no frogging.
164
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:23,153
That was before you swallowed the key.
Every time I’ve had to frog you.
165
00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:25,271
- Listen, we...
- Come on. Come on.
166
00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:27,269
We said no frogging!
167
00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,115
What if you get caught?
I’m not going down.
168
00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:33,356
Just cos you can’t take
a drill in the kneecap.
169
00:08:33,480 --> 00:08:35,311
They’ll crack you like babies fingers.
170
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:37,874
They’ll pump you full of Viagra,
make you fuck a dog.
171
00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:39,793
Good prattle, Barry.
172
00:08:44,680 --> 00:08:47,114
You’ll end up on YouTube,
blowing Lassie in a ditch.
173
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,759
Are they gonna make me fuck
a dog out there, brother Omar?
174
00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:00,915
My uncle’s connected out there.
175
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,553
Only time we’re going to see cops
is for weapons upgrade.
176
00:09:02,680 --> 00:09:05,274
All right, Omar,
I’m letting you go to Pakistan.
177
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,470
My unit stays here.
178
00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:09,909
- But my unit’s the main unit.
- Barry, shut up, mate.
179
00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,952
Because I tell you, your little brain cell
might go off now and again,
180
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:14,479
but if your hands even go to move
181
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,397
and you try setting up
the Islamic state of Tinsley again,
182
00:09:16,520 --> 00:09:18,317
going to university lectures,
opening your big mouth,
183
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,590
buying some more silver nitrate
from Amazon,
184
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:21,709
I’m gonna rip your plugs out.
185
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,114
Not if you’re not here, you won t.
186
00:09:23,240 --> 00:09:24,468
Aargh!
187
00:09:59,080 --> 00:09:59,910
No, Uncle.
188
00:10:02,880 --> 00:10:05,599
It’s my prayer bear.
He does my prayers.
189
00:10:10,080 --> 00:10:11,593
In the name of Allah...
190
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,110
Which way are we going?
191
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:22,274
All right. OK.
192
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:27,039
What the fuck’s he done
to his rabbits, bro?
193
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,076
They’re not rabbits, bro.
They’re chickens.
194
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,236
They’re fucking rabbits.
195
00:10:32,360 --> 00:10:33,918
Bro, if they’re rabbits,
where are their ears?
196
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:36,559
That’s what I’m saying.
197
00:10:50,080 --> 00:10:51,274
What?
198
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,309
What’s he saying?
199
00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:57,192
I’m asking, would he kill you?
200
00:10:59,520 --> 00:11:00,669
Pack up.
201
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:02,998
If you make me trouble...
202
00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:12,513
Alaykum salaam.
203
00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:19,639
- Would you kill me, then?
- No, course not.
204
00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,398
Come on.
205
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:23,719
I d kill you, bro.
206
00:11:24,760 --> 00:11:25,749
Would you?
207
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:28,429
- Yeah.
- Right, good.
208
00:11:29,520 --> 00:11:30,509
Cos I would kill you, bro.
209
00:11:31,920 --> 00:11:34,309
Bro, seriously, I d kill you.
210
00:11:34,440 --> 00:11:35,839
Course I would.
211
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,757
Aye, I would. I d kill you like that.
212
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:39,598
- Flipping heck, man. Would you?
- Yeah, course.
213
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:44,070
I sort of thought
I were joking a bit there, bro.
214
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:46,350
We’re soldiers, bro.
Whatever’s asked, you do it.
215
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:48,232
You do the right thing.
216
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,349
Right?
217
00:11:49,480 --> 00:11:51,436
- Are you with me?
- Yeah.
218
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:54,597
It’s life, isn’t it? It’s just life.
What is that? It’s nothing.
219
00:11:54,720 --> 00:11:57,109
It’s like being stuck
in the queue at Alton Towers.
220
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:59,629
Do you want to be in the queues
or do you want to be on the rides?
221
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:03,116
You want to be on the rides, don’t you?
You want to be on Nemesis, Oblivion.
222
00:12:03,240 --> 00:12:04,753
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
223
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,592
- Yeah. You with me?
- Yeah.
224
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,393
- Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
- Yeah, Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
225
00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:11,839
Right?
226
00:12:11,960 --> 00:12:13,916
- OK, I would kill you, brother Omar.
- Would you?
227
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:15,712
- Yeah, I would.
- What would you do?
228
00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:20,155
- I d smash your head off with a thing.
- Yeah. Know what I d do?
229
00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:23,590
I d grab one of these hooks, Waj.
I d dig it in your belly, rip your guts out.
230
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,836
Spill it all out on the floor,
like Mortal Combat.
231
00:12:25,960 --> 00:12:27,996
I d fucking... I d take this, right?
232
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,190
- Yeah?
- And I d fucking run you over with a tractor.
233
00:12:30,320 --> 00:12:32,390
- Yeah?
- Yeah. Soldiers.
234
00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:33,953
Soldiers, brother. Mujahid.
235
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,195
Mujahid.
236
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:38,513
Good lad.
237
00:12:38,640 --> 00:12:39,993
Come on. You want some?
238
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:41,838
Yeah, you do want some, rabbit.
239
00:12:41,960 --> 00:12:43,951
You fucked-up rabbit with no ears.
240
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:46,275
- I’ll fucking... I’ll have you.
- They’re chickens, man.
241
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,868
- I d roast you.
- Waj, they’re chickens.
242
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,428
I’m coming. Coming.
243
00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,232
I’m coming.
244
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:43,752
Come on, Waj.
245
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:53,152
Fuck off, bro. East is that way.
246
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:57,354
That way is East, bro.
247
00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:58,595
That way is East.
248
00:13:58,720 --> 00:14:00,517
- We’ve flown over Mecca now.
- Paki’s gone mental, bro.
249
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,995
Mecca is in the East, yeah.
250
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,829
Where the sun... where it rises,
you behn choad paki prong!
251
00:14:14,240 --> 00:14:16,959
Turn around. I’ll explain to you later.
252
00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,031
Fuck! Waj, come on. Come on!
253
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,153
Go, go, go. Come on.
254
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:29,554
- Come on, Waj.
- OK, OK.
255
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,551
Hey, brother Emir, I’ll take it out.
256
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,279
Too high, too high.
257
00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:42,551
Yeah, that’s what I was thinking actually.
What is that, 2,000 feet?
258
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,358
- What?
- Nothing.
259
00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,835
I’ve never stood up in public and
professed any in-depth knowledge of Islam,
260
00:14:56,960 --> 00:15:01,192
but what I do know is that most British
Muslims don’t want to be out abroad,
261
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,311
fighting British foreign policy.
262
00:15:03,440 --> 00:15:07,319
What they want to do is get on
peacefully with their daily lives.
263
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,953
- And we support that.
- Yeah, yeah.
264
00:15:09,080 --> 00:15:11,355
A good Muslim
always keeps his mouth shut.
265
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:15,792
Yeah? Yeah? Are you all surprised
kids are going off to training camps?
266
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:18,753
- That is not what I am saying.
- Why are kids going to training camps?
267
00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:21,474
First off, I object
to the term 'training camps '.
268
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,909
- You just used it.
- No, I did not.
269
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:25,871
It’s a western fantasy.
270
00:15:26,000 --> 00:15:28,560
You people think of Muslims
running around the mountains
271
00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:29,715
with guns and bombs.
272
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:31,910
That d suit you
down to the ground, wouldn’t it?
273
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:35,396
- But they do exist, don’t they?
- I’m not saying they don’t exist.
274
00:15:35,520 --> 00:15:36,919
What I’m saying, if you’ll listen,
275
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:40,112
is that if they didn’t exist,
you people would have to invent them.
276
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:42,435
- That’s absolute rubbish.
- Yeah, man.
277
00:15:42,560 --> 00:15:46,235
- This whole debate is twisted, man.
- We’ll take questions later, please.
278
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:48,237
You think we’re all bombers, don’t you?
279
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,112
- That is absolutely...
- No, no, no.
280
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:52,834
When you look at someone like me,
you think 'bomber ', right?
281
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:55,076
- Yeah, you do.
- That is not the case.
282
00:15:55,200 --> 00:15:56,838
Why shouldn’t I be a bomber
if you treat me like one?
283
00:15:56,960 --> 00:16:00,350
- Mashallah, brother.
- Yeah, Mashallah.
284
00:16:01,280 --> 00:16:02,872
Yeah.
285
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,036
I'm the Mujahideen
and I'm making a scene
286
00:16:05,160 --> 00:16:07,196
Now you's gonna feel
what the boom-boom means
287
00:16:07,320 --> 00:16:09,880
It's like Tupac said,
"When I die, I'm not dead"
288
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,992
We are the martyrs,
you 're just smashed tomatoes
289
00:16:13,120 --> 00:16:15,554
Allahu Akbar!
290
00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:20,789
Mashallah, brother.
291
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:23,755
Oh, what, man? Come on.
292
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:26,758
What? Just cos I’m Muslim,
you thought it was real?
293
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:29,599
Oh, here they come!
294
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,712
Here come your stooges, Mr. Storge.
295
00:16:32,840 --> 00:16:35,229
Police state! Police state!
296
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:38,272
Police state! Police state!
297
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:41,915
Remember my name, brothers and sisters.
I’m going to Cuba!
298
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:46,192
He’s being rendered!
He’s being rendered!
299
00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:54,152
Hey, bro, bro. Down here.
300
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:56,909
Need a lift?
301
00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:00,834
Yeah, man. Wait. Yeah.
302
00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:03,838
Oh, man!
303
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:04,756
Yo!
304
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:07,553
You’re a lege. You’re a lege, bro!
305
00:17:07,680 --> 00:17:09,796
Not so bad yourself, brother.
What’s your name?
306
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,514
Hassan Malik. 'The Mal '.
307
00:17:12,640 --> 00:17:14,278
- The Mal?
- Yeah.
308
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,960
Nice little stunt back there.
309
00:17:17,080 --> 00:17:18,798
And you know what?
310
00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:20,797
You’re a total piece of shit, mate.
311
00:17:21,640 --> 00:17:25,428
You’re worse than the specially trained
rapists they use in Guantánamo.
312
00:17:25,560 --> 00:17:28,028
- You what?
- Yeah, you’re not ignorant like them!
313
00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,196
You know you should be doing something.
314
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:32,311
- I am doing something.
- What, that?
315
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:35,989
I'm the Mujahideen and...
thingy, thingy, rap, rap
316
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:37,109
Eh?
317
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:41,590
It was jihad of the mind,
the gesture that messed yer.
318
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:44,109
Was the prophet, Sal Allaahu
Alayhi wa Sallam, about gestures?
319
00:17:44,240 --> 00:17:47,152
Hm? Did he smash the pagan statues
320
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:49,032
or did he just stand there,
making a gesture?
321
00:17:50,960 --> 00:17:52,916
Is this a gesture?
322
00:17:57,840 --> 00:18:01,389
- That was for real, brother.
- Yeah...
323
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:04,193
Is you as for real as that?
324
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,959
- Yeah.
- How often do you go to mosque?
325
00:18:07,080 --> 00:18:10,550
When I can. Most weeks. Friday prayers.
326
00:18:10,680 --> 00:18:15,117
Once a year is too often.
The mosques have lost it, brother.
327
00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:18,391
They’re full of losers and spies.
328
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:20,351
These are real bad times, bro.
329
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,835
Islam is cracking up.
330
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:24,951
We got women talking back.
331
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:28,356
We got people playing stringed instruments.
332
00:18:28,480 --> 00:18:31,552
It’s the end of days.
333
00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:33,511
Do you want to be for real?
334
00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:37,117
Well, yeah, of course.
335
00:18:37,240 --> 00:18:39,151
Are you sure?
336
00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:40,474
100 percent.
337
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,318
Yeah, come here.
338
00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,593
Fuck you, Omar!
339
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,151
Big enough for you now, Barry?
340
00:19:01,280 --> 00:19:04,477
Am I blowing a dog in a ditch
or am I Paki Rambo?
341
00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:15,155
I’m getting my pictures, Mujahid-style.
342
00:19:17,640 --> 00:19:20,279
- James Fuck Bond?
- No, no.
343
00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,469
What the fuck are you doing, Waj?
344
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:45,029
Stay here and clean the guns.
345
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:48,038
No, no, listen. We need an Al Qaeda emir.
346
00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:53,272
It was my fault, bro, OK?
Let Omar go.
347
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:58,795
You fucking Mr. Beans.
348
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:01,798
- But we haven’t got an emir yet.
- It’s good.
349
00:20:10,800 --> 00:20:14,031
- Just getting my pictures, bro.
- Waj, go away right now.
350
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:26,109
Come on.
351
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:27,798
- Where is it?
- Down here.
352
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,709
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
353
00:20:59,560 --> 00:21:02,028
Liquid peroxide.
354
00:21:02,160 --> 00:21:03,957
Three years of stockpiling.
355
00:21:04,080 --> 00:21:07,038
- Where did you get it all?
- A wholesale shop down the road.
356
00:21:07,160 --> 00:21:08,752
- All from the same shop?
- Yeah.
357
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,314
- You mug, you’ll get us nicked!
- No.
358
00:21:11,440 --> 00:21:13,237
I use different voices every time I go in.
359
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:16,557
Different what? Different voices.
Show me.
360
00:21:16,680 --> 00:21:18,671
- What?
- Show me the voices. Come on.
361
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:26,435
- One of them s... It’s my voice.
- Right.
362
00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:29,839
Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please?
363
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:32,076
I know what that sounds like.
Give me another one.
364
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:36,078
IRA voice.
365
00:21:36,200 --> 00:21:37,997
IRA voice?
366
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:39,235
They’re terrorists, Faisal.
367
00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:41,749
Why do you want to do a terrorist voice?
You’ll get us nicked!
368
00:21:41,880 --> 00:21:44,678
- I’ll be disguised then, won’t I?
- Yeah, but as a terrorist.
369
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:47,949
Let’s hear the voice.
370
00:21:51,400 --> 00:21:54,756
Can I have...
12 bottles of bleach, please?
371
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:58,551
And then I’ve got one like this as well.
372
00:22:00,360 --> 00:22:01,952
Can I have 12 bottles of bleach, please?
373
00:22:02,080 --> 00:22:03,195
What’s that?
374
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:08,075
It’s a woman’s voice
because I got loads of liquid peroxide.
375
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:10,077
Probably thought that she d go and...
376
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:11,428
And what?
377
00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:14,552
...dye her hair or something.
- And her beard?
378
00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:17,148
- You got a beard.
- I covered it.
379
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,591
You covered your beard. How?
380
00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:29,872
Right, so you went into a shop,
with your hands on your face like that
381
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:31,672
and asked for 12 bottles of bleach?
382
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,120
So, why has she got her hands
on her face, Fess?
383
00:22:39,040 --> 00:22:41,679
Cos she’s got a beard.
384
00:22:46,720 --> 00:22:48,153
I’m sorry, brother Omar.
385
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,316
Maybe it were God’s will.
386
00:22:50,440 --> 00:22:52,874
Maybe it were God’s will
I would do my video so...
387
00:22:54,280 --> 00:22:56,635
- So maybe it’s not my fault.
- No, it is your fault.
388
00:22:56,760 --> 00:23:00,673
It were God’s will that you were acting
like a complete prat, apparently.
389
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:02,677
It was defo your fault.
390
00:23:02,800 --> 00:23:07,555
So, if that were God’s will,
then am I God’s fault?
391
00:23:07,680 --> 00:23:10,035
Maybe I’m God’s mistake.
392
00:23:10,160 --> 00:23:13,118
- Does that mean I’m going to hell, brother?
- Sh, sh, sh.
393
00:23:13,240 --> 00:23:14,753
- Do mistakes go to hell?
- Shh, Waj.
394
00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:15,869
What?
395
00:23:17,200 --> 00:23:19,839
- That’s a drone.
- Hide!
396
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,151
- It’s flying low. It’s going to attack.
- Let’s go!
397
00:23:23,280 --> 00:23:25,157
Where are we gonna go, Waj?
We’ve got to take it out.
398
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,236
Take it out with what?
We ain’t got no bullets.
399
00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:30,432
- This is my mistake, bro.
- No, no, no. Waj, listen.
400
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:34,599
Think about it. This is God’s plan.
He’s put us here to defend the camp.
401
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:36,073
This is our jihad.
402
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,270
- Think about it.
- This is my mistake, brother.
403
00:23:38,400 --> 00:23:40,595
That’s the devil that’s in your brain
giving it the wasa-wasa.
404
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,870
Don’t listen to him.
God’s in your heart, bro.
405
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:45,309
Right? What does your heart say?
Trust me. Come on.
406
00:23:45,440 --> 00:23:49,149
It says maybe we should...
407
00:23:49,280 --> 00:23:50,793
Huh?
408
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,514
Maybe we should flipping pop it, brother,
get back on jihad.
409
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,517
Good, Waj.
410
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:57,309
Right, OK.
411
00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:02,033
What are we going to use?
412
00:24:02,160 --> 00:24:04,754
- Fucking yes, bro.
- Shh, shh. Right, come on.
413
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:08,279
- Proper Mujahid, yeah?
- Yeah.
414
00:24:08,400 --> 00:24:10,197
- Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother?
- Mind out the way now.
415
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:11,548
- All right, OK.
- Come on.
416
00:24:11,680 --> 00:24:14,148
- Flipping pop it, brother.
- OK.
417
00:24:24,080 --> 00:24:24,876
Brother Omar!
418
00:24:28,320 --> 00:24:29,309
The Arabs!
419
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,670
The emir!
420
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:36,313
Flipping shit.
421
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:40,995
Is this God’s will, bro?
422
00:24:41,120 --> 00:24:44,396
Tell me it is, bro. Tell me it’s God’s will.
423
00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:46,556
Fucking hell, bro.
424
00:24:47,920 --> 00:24:50,115
We’ve got to go, Waj.
We’ve got to get out of here.
425
00:25:03,040 --> 00:25:04,837
I can’t hear nothing!
426
00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:07,717
I can’t hear nothing!
427
00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:17,475
Morning, officer.
428
00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:19,352
You’ve been rumbled.
429
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:34,993
My plan is, right, to put a bomb on a crow
430
00:25:35,120 --> 00:25:38,795
and fly it into one of them towers
full of Jews and slags.
431
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:41,673
I keep crows in here. Have a look.
432
00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:44,109
We’re way beyond crows now, Faisal.
433
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:46,117
We are really going to blow the lid off.
434
00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,276
Yeah, I’m all about blowing the lid off, man.
435
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,308
- Blow my lid off.
- Bomb the mosque!
436
00:25:54,520 --> 00:25:55,714
What?
437
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,516
- The Masjid?
- Yeah, the masjid, the mosque.
438
00:25:58,640 --> 00:25:59,959
But we go in dressed like kuffars.
439
00:26:00,080 --> 00:26:04,039
They think it’s the unbelievers attacking
so all the Muslims rise up and fight back.
440
00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:07,914
Stoke things up proper big time,
fast-track the final days - total war!
441
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:12,113
- That is sick, man.
- What does Omar say?
442
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:13,878
Who is this Omar?
443
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:16,195
Don’t sweat that.
He’s one of my boys.
444
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:18,276
I’ve sent him off to training camp
to bring him up to scratch.
445
00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:21,551
But my dad goes to the masjid.
What if he’s in masjid?
446
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:23,671
Has your dad ever bought
a Jaffa orange?
447
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:25,549
Once or twice.
448
00:26:25,680 --> 00:26:28,319
Right, he’s buying nukes for Israel, bro.
He’s a Jew.
449
00:26:42,520 --> 00:26:43,839
- Barry!
- Where?
450
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:46,269
- Where is he?
- What are we going to say, again?
451
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:50,109
Waj, we’re going to say we’re being
sent for special training in Somalia.
452
00:26:50,240 --> 00:26:52,913
- Somalia?
- Yeah, OK.
453
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:04,308
- You all right, Barry?
- Yeah. What happened?
454
00:27:05,280 --> 00:27:07,157
Nothing happened.
We’re being sent to...
455
00:27:07,280 --> 00:27:11,273
Bollocks!
You fucked up, you fucking losers!
456
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:12,958
I told you, you should have taken me.
457
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:15,469
- We’re going to Somibia, Barry.
- Somalia.
458
00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,955
- Special training.
- 'Special training. '
459
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:21,959
- Bollocks! Something happened.
- Nothing happened, Barry.
460
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:24,753
Look at the state of you.
No luggage, back early.
461
00:27:24,880 --> 00:27:26,108
Yeah, something happened.
462
00:27:28,640 --> 00:27:30,232
- Yeah, something did happen.
- Yeah, you fucked up.
463
00:27:30,360 --> 00:27:33,511
No, we got an emir
and he told us that we’re on.
464
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:34,629
What?
465
00:27:35,800 --> 00:27:38,189
We’ve got an emir
and he says that we’re on.
466
00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:42,869
- Are you on as well, bro?
- Yeah, for real.
467
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:44,399
- Good.
- Alhamdulillah.
468
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:51,039
What about the Arabs, bro?
What about the Arabs?
469
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:55,438
They weren’t Arabs,
they were bad tribesmen.
470
00:27:55,560 --> 00:27:58,074
- What?
- Bad tribesmen.
471
00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:01,031
- So it were good, what we did?
- Yeah.
472
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,510
What the fuck is Special Branch doing here?
473
00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:07,232
Oh, no, no, no.
That’s Hassan. He’s in.
474
00:28:07,360 --> 00:28:09,828
- Since when, Barry?
- He’s one of us.
475
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:12,633
- Is he fuck?
- How was it? Was it amazing?
476
00:28:13,360 --> 00:28:15,351
What, my dad’s funeral?
How could that be amazing?
477
00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:17,954
You’re joking!
478
00:28:18,080 --> 00:28:21,038
He was pecked to death by chickens.
Why would I joke about that?
479
00:28:21,720 --> 00:28:24,075
Ignore him, bro. This is Omar,
this is Waj and this is Hassan Malik.
480
00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:25,713
Yeah, man, I’m the Mal.
481
00:28:27,240 --> 00:28:28,229
Frog him.
482
00:28:28,360 --> 00:28:30,954
No, don’t sweat it, bro.
He’s been tested.
483
00:28:31,080 --> 00:28:32,399
- Really?
- Yeah, he tested me, man.
484
00:28:32,520 --> 00:28:34,158
How did he do that, then?
485
00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:37,477
- He made me do that bean thing, man.
- What bean thing?
486
00:28:38,280 --> 00:28:40,714
You know, when you put a bean
up the end of your knob, man.
487
00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:46,676
We’re on the parking. Let’s go.
488
00:28:46,800 --> 00:28:48,597
- Barry?
- We’re on the parking.
489
00:28:48,720 --> 00:28:51,154
- What’s he saying about a bean, Barry?
- You mean, I didn’t have to?
490
00:28:51,280 --> 00:28:53,316
Bro, he’s landed you right in it.
491
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:56,989
I’ve got no need for a beanfucker
or a TV Paki or a coconut spook.
492
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:58,109
Now, frog him!
493
00:28:58,240 --> 00:29:00,037
Omar, he’s loaded. His dad’s loaded.
494
00:29:00,160 --> 00:29:02,833
- What, from Ml5 payroll?
- No, he’s got a clothes factory.
495
00:29:02,960 --> 00:29:05,315
- Great. Merry Christmas. Frog him.
- I can get you a van.
496
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:08,591
- I can nick a van.
- So you d steal from your own dad?
497
00:29:10,040 --> 00:29:12,031
Well, yeah, yeah.
498
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:14,515
Right, well, you’re still walking.
499
00:29:14,640 --> 00:29:17,871
Listen, behn choad, next time I see you,
you d better have a fucking van,
500
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:19,877
or I’m gonna floss your balls
with razor wire.
501
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:27,075
You played that wrong, mate.
502
00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:31,358
- You’re on one, Omar.
- Drive!
503
00:29:35,480 --> 00:29:37,630
- Did you fix this, Barry?
- Yeah, I fixed it.
504
00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:40,877
- Did you do it yourself or something?
- Yes, I did it myself.
505
00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:48,239
So is he in or what, Omar?
506
00:29:48,360 --> 00:29:51,796
What choice have I got, Barry?
He’s either in or I’ve got to kill him.
507
00:29:51,920 --> 00:29:54,559
Good. I knew you d like him.
508
00:30:05,560 --> 00:30:07,312
Simba and Pumbaa were out on their own.
509
00:30:07,440 --> 00:30:11,274
And Scar was looking for them and
if he found them, he d kill them, but...
510
00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:12,469
- Dad?
- Yeah?
511
00:30:12,600 --> 00:30:14,431
Did you blow up any kuffars?
512
00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:16,039
What?
513
00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:17,513
At the wedding?
514
00:30:19,880 --> 00:30:21,393
Do you want to hear
what happened to Simba or not?
515
00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:23,954
- Yeah!
- Right, so...
516
00:30:25,240 --> 00:30:27,595
Simba and Pumbaa
were out on their own,
517
00:30:27,720 --> 00:30:30,109
when all of a sudden they saw this...
518
00:30:32,040 --> 00:30:35,794
...this big evil bird, this big bird,
that Scar had sent out to look for them.
519
00:30:35,920 --> 00:30:39,629
This big, evil vulture, coming right at them.
520
00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:41,830
'There it is, ' said Simba.
He spotted it,
521
00:30:41,960 --> 00:30:44,349
this big evil vulture,
coming straight for them,
522
00:30:44,480 --> 00:30:45,913
coming right at them.
523
00:30:47,880 --> 00:30:48,915
Then what, Dad?
524
00:30:50,960 --> 00:30:53,918
Well, Simba had to bring it down,
otherwise it d kill them.
525
00:30:54,040 --> 00:30:56,838
So, what he did was,
he grabbed a stone
526
00:30:56,960 --> 00:30:59,793
and he chucked it at the bird,
only he chucked it so hard,
527
00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:03,595
it was such a strong powerful throw,
that his arm went all the way round.
528
00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:06,951
Behind. He threw it so hard,
it went a mile behind him.
529
00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:10,672
And it hit Mufasa.
530
00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:13,473
Wise, strong Mufasa, Simba’s dad.
531
00:31:13,600 --> 00:31:16,160
It hit him accidentally on the head
and killed him.
532
00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:18,635
But didn’t Scar kill Mufasa?
533
00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:21,593
Yeah, in the film.
This is real life, I’m talking about.
534
00:31:21,720 --> 00:31:23,392
So Simba had a choice.
535
00:31:23,520 --> 00:31:25,556
He could either tell his friends
what had happened and create confusion,
536
00:31:25,680 --> 00:31:29,719
or keep it a secret and lead all his friends
in a big fight against Scar.
537
00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:31,637
What do you think he did?
538
00:31:31,760 --> 00:31:33,352
He had to tell the truth.
539
00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:38,115
But he’s got to fight Scar, hasn’t he?
540
00:31:38,240 --> 00:31:40,959
Telling the truth means giving up.
541
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:42,308
Would Simba give up?
542
00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:44,431
- Simba would never give up.
- Exactly.
543
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:46,719
Exactly. So...
544
00:31:48,080 --> 00:31:50,548
Simba kept it all a secret.
545
00:31:51,280 --> 00:31:53,589
And he led Pumbaa and Timon
and all his friends,
546
00:31:53,720 --> 00:31:57,474
he led them all in a fight against Scar.
547
00:31:57,600 --> 00:31:59,192
And he vanquished Scar,
548
00:31:59,320 --> 00:32:01,436
and Simba became the new Lion King.
549
00:32:02,440 --> 00:32:04,396
- Yes.
- Yeah.
550
00:32:06,960 --> 00:32:08,313
Bedtime for you,
551
00:32:08,440 --> 00:32:09,839
soldier.
552
00:32:14,240 --> 00:32:15,639
All right, lads, this is it.
553
00:32:17,160 --> 00:32:18,798
This is it, boys.
554
00:32:18,920 --> 00:32:22,515
I’ve spoken to the emir.
I have, and...
555
00:32:22,640 --> 00:32:24,198
How did you do that?
556
00:32:25,880 --> 00:32:31,273
Email drop box and the children s
instant messaging site, Party Puffin.
557
00:32:31,400 --> 00:32:32,753
I’ve been on that.
558
00:32:32,880 --> 00:32:34,598
- Good, Waj.
- Proper good.
559
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:37,109
Do we have to be puffins as well?
560
00:32:37,240 --> 00:32:39,629
Yeah, I’ll give you all usernames
and passwords after this meeting.
561
00:32:39,760 --> 00:32:41,034
I’m not sure I want to be a puffin.
562
00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:42,673
You don’t have to be
if you don’t want to, Barry.
563
00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:44,916
- Bagsy a blue one, yeah?
- Good, Waj.
564
00:32:46,560 --> 00:32:48,551
Now, I’ve spoken to him.
565
00:32:49,840 --> 00:32:52,195
My puffin has communicated with his puffin.
566
00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:56,715
And he’s told us to make some bombs.
567
00:32:56,840 --> 00:32:59,513
So we’re going to take Faisal’s gear
to the secret flat.
568
00:32:59,640 --> 00:33:02,757
We can hide it under the costumes
in Hassan’s van.
569
00:33:02,880 --> 00:33:05,599
We’ll put the bleach on the boil.
570
00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:10,389
We have instructions to bring havoc
to this bullshit, consumerist,
571
00:33:10,520 --> 00:33:12,431
godless, Paki-bashing,
572
00:33:12,560 --> 00:33:15,199
Gordon Ramsay 'Taste the Difference '
speciality cheddar,
573
00:33:15,320 --> 00:33:17,356
torture-endorsing,
massacre-sponsoring,
574
00:33:18,280 --> 00:33:21,352
'Look -at-me-dancing-pissed
with-my-nob-out ', Sky1 Uncovered,
575
00:33:21,480 --> 00:33:24,074
'Who-gives-a-fuck
about-dead-Afghanis? ' Disneyland.
576
00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:26,031
- Mashallah!
- Mashallah, brother Omar.
577
00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:28,037
- Mashallah.
- Fuck mini Babybels.
578
00:33:28,600 --> 00:33:32,149
Puffin says, 'Find a target. '
579
00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:33,952
Well, we got a target, bro.
We’re all agreed.
580
00:33:34,080 --> 00:33:35,832
What is it?
581
00:33:35,960 --> 00:33:37,598
- It’s the mosque.
- What?
582
00:33:37,720 --> 00:33:39,153
Bomb the mosque,
583
00:33:39,280 --> 00:33:42,078
radicalise the moderates,
bring it all on.
584
00:33:42,880 --> 00:33:45,758
OK, right. No, I like that.
I do like that, that’s brilliant.
585
00:33:45,880 --> 00:33:48,633
Let’s take out a bunch of Muslims
because they’re the real enemy.
586
00:33:48,760 --> 00:33:51,513
Once we’ve done that,
why don’t we truck -bomb a kebab shop
587
00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:54,359
and fly a jumbo jet
into Waj’s mum’s head?
588
00:33:54,480 --> 00:33:58,189
Why don’t we get a pig
and staple -gun it to our foreheads?
589
00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:01,357
But if we bomb the mosque,
it will make all the Muslims rise up.
590
00:34:02,360 --> 00:34:04,715
My cousin, Faz, died,
591
00:34:04,840 --> 00:34:07,673
defending a mosque in Bosnia.
592
00:34:07,800 --> 00:34:09,472
Did he flipping rise up, bro?
593
00:34:10,800 --> 00:34:12,153
Let’s bomb Boots.
594
00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:16,509
They sell condoms
that make you want to bang white girls.
595
00:34:16,640 --> 00:34:18,870
- I second that. Boots.
- Right.
596
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:22,151
- They nabbed me nicking Lynx display.
- Think bigger than a chemist s.
597
00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:25,477
I’m not blowing my guts out over
a bunch of tampons and cotton buds.
598
00:34:25,600 --> 00:34:28,319
What we’re going to do
has got to last in history,
599
00:34:28,440 --> 00:34:29,839
echo through the ages.
600
00:34:29,960 --> 00:34:32,713
- Like bomb a mosque.
- Barry, we’re not bombing a mosque.
601
00:34:32,840 --> 00:34:34,717
You don’t get it, do you, Omar?
602
00:34:34,840 --> 00:34:36,512
We radicalise the moderates!
603
00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:38,870
The ummah rises up, it all kicks off!
604
00:34:39,000 --> 00:34:42,310
I do get it. I’ll tell you what it’s like.
It’s like you’re in a fight with someone,
605
00:34:42,440 --> 00:34:44,590
and they’re punching you
in the face, right?
606
00:34:44,720 --> 00:34:48,190
And so what you go and do is,
you punch yourself in the face.
607
00:34:48,320 --> 00:34:49,355
So what if he’s not?
608
00:34:49,480 --> 00:34:51,755
I’m having a fight
with this fictionary man,
609
00:34:51,880 --> 00:34:55,953
and he’s not punching me hard enough
to make me go mental and win.
610
00:34:56,080 --> 00:34:58,719
Let’s do an experiment, Barry.
We’ll have a fight right now.
611
00:34:58,840 --> 00:35:00,831
When you start losing
and you’re not doing very well,
612
00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:03,269
you punch yourself in the face,
go mental and start winning.
613
00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:05,675
- Show them all how it works.
- I’m not gonna punch myself.
614
00:35:05,800 --> 00:35:08,075
Why not? You’re the Muslims.
You’re getting attacked.
615
00:35:08,200 --> 00:35:11,317
Go fucking mental, Barry.
Show 'em how it works.
616
00:35:11,440 --> 00:35:13,670
- Come on.
- I’m not a mosque!
617
00:35:13,800 --> 00:35:15,119
This is not how it works!
618
00:35:17,720 --> 00:35:19,039
Punch yourself, Baz.
619
00:35:19,160 --> 00:35:21,628
Bomb the mosque, Barry!
Bomb it!
620
00:35:21,760 --> 00:35:22,829
Bomb the mosque!
621
00:35:22,960 --> 00:35:25,872
Bomb the mosque, Barry!
622
00:35:26,840 --> 00:35:29,308
He’s bombed the mosque!
He’s just bombed the mosque!
623
00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:31,590
Barry, where are the moderates?
The moderates should be coming now.
624
00:35:31,720 --> 00:35:34,075
Right, if I was a mosque,
which I am not,
625
00:35:34,200 --> 00:35:36,998
then there would be all moderates
behind my nose,
626
00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:38,997
bursting to come out and rise up.
627
00:35:39,120 --> 00:35:41,475
Would there?
Ooh, they are, bro, eh?
628
00:35:41,600 --> 00:35:44,433
Barry, the Sufi Muslim Council s
coming out your nose.
629
00:35:44,560 --> 00:35:47,472
Oh, you’ve just wiped them out.
You’ve just wiped them out.
630
00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:50,956
Do you think we should still
bomb the mosque, Barry?
631
00:35:51,560 --> 00:35:53,676
- Come back.
- Barry, I got you a J-cloth for the...
632
00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:56,798
- Oooh!
- Barry!
633
00:35:56,920 --> 00:35:58,751
For fuck’s sake, Barry!
634
00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:36,277
Oi! Oi!
635
00:36:36,400 --> 00:36:39,517
Turn that off.
There’s common areas out there.
636
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:43,155
We got to play it, Barry.
This is our cover, man. We’re a band.
637
00:36:43,280 --> 00:36:45,714
- We’re a what?
- We’re a band.
638
00:36:45,840 --> 00:36:47,512
Bollocks! Turn it off.
639
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:49,799
Bro, turn it off.
640
00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:54,719
What’s with the chicken?
641
00:36:57,720 --> 00:37:00,439
It’s beard protection from the bleach.
642
00:37:00,560 --> 00:37:03,154
Yeah, he’s the drummer, man.
643
00:37:03,800 --> 00:37:07,236
- Chicken drummer.
- Yeah, Barry.
644
00:37:07,360 --> 00:37:10,318
You broke the chicken’s beak, didn’t you?
Remember?
645
00:37:10,440 --> 00:37:12,192
Yeah, Barry, you broke his beak.
646
00:37:12,320 --> 00:37:15,073
Yeah, well, I’m sorry,
but beaks get broken in war, don’t they?
647
00:37:15,200 --> 00:37:16,474
- Do they?
- Yeah, they do.
648
00:37:16,600 --> 00:37:20,149
We’re not about protecting beaks,
we’re about blowing them off.
649
00:37:20,280 --> 00:37:21,872
Yeah?
650
00:37:22,000 --> 00:37:24,514
Well, go and unload the van.
I’m not doing all the work.
651
00:37:28,440 --> 00:37:29,953
Waj! Waj!
652
00:37:30,520 --> 00:37:31,635
Anti-surveillance.
653
00:37:36,400 --> 00:37:39,153
Not you, mate, you’re still here.
Get in there.
654
00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:48,230
- What are you doing?
- Just in case they’re taking pictures.
655
00:37:48,360 --> 00:37:50,999
- What?
- Barry says you come out blurry.
656
00:37:52,640 --> 00:37:53,629
Right, stop it!
657
00:37:54,600 --> 00:37:55,794
Stop it!
658
00:37:58,040 --> 00:38:00,554
CCTV’s a video.
659
00:38:00,680 --> 00:38:03,638
You’re just gonna look
like a bunch of Sufis on speed.
660
00:38:03,760 --> 00:38:06,718
Next time Barry tells you
to do something, don’t.
661
00:38:12,320 --> 00:38:15,357
- You all right, Alice? How’s it going.
- All right, Wasim? Yeah.
662
00:38:15,480 --> 00:38:17,072
- Are you good?
- Yeah.
663
00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:19,270
- All right, Jason?
- All right.
664
00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:21,753
Who’s this one?
665
00:38:21,880 --> 00:38:23,199
This is... Claude.
666
00:38:23,320 --> 00:38:25,515
Claude, this is Alice.
She’s got the flat next door.
667
00:38:25,640 --> 00:38:27,870
- Hello, Claude.
- Hi.
668
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:30,719
- What’s this?
- Claude’s the new member of our band.
669
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:33,274
- Band?
- He’s the new member.
670
00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:35,709
- I used to be in a band.
- Did you?
671
00:38:35,840 --> 00:38:40,118
Yeah.
Until all the birds fell off the roof...
672
00:38:41,120 --> 00:38:43,076
I don’t know if you remember.
673
00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:47,791
All right, then, Alice,
we’ll see you later. Come on, lads.
674
00:38:47,920 --> 00:38:49,911
Come through.
675
00:38:50,040 --> 00:38:53,555
- Which one are you?
- Er, Claude.
676
00:38:53,680 --> 00:38:55,671
- Claude?
- Yeah.
677
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:57,358
Are you French?
678
00:38:58,320 --> 00:38:59,594
Yeah.
679
00:39:00,440 --> 00:39:01,839
See you.
680
00:39:13,200 --> 00:39:16,397
Right, Mister Newsman
in the newsroom, after three.
681
00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:18,511
Three, two, one...
682
00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:22,555
Yes, it was us.
683
00:39:22,680 --> 00:39:25,592
We have struck you
where you least expected it.
684
00:39:25,720 --> 00:39:28,154
We have bombed the mosque.
685
00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:31,033
Only in the days of the final jihad...
686
00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:34,671
What are you doing here?
687
00:39:34,800 --> 00:39:37,075
Well, you told us to come round.
688
00:39:37,200 --> 00:39:40,476
We’ve just come through the back.
Anti-surveillance, like you said.
689
00:39:40,600 --> 00:39:42,397
Right, well, I’m doing my tape.
690
00:39:42,520 --> 00:39:44,272
But we’re not bombing the mosque.
691
00:39:44,400 --> 00:39:47,153
- What?
- We’re not bombing the mosque.
692
00:39:47,280 --> 00:39:50,716
Look, I’m just doing this tape in case
the plans change to bomb the mosque.
693
00:39:50,840 --> 00:39:54,230
If they did change, isn’t the whole
point of it to blame it on the kuffar
694
00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:55,759
and not take responsibility for it?
695
00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:58,997
What do you know about it?
It was my idea in the first place, not yours!
696
00:39:59,120 --> 00:40:01,634
Now, fuck off!
I’m doing my tape. Go on.
697
00:40:01,760 --> 00:40:02,749
All right, Barry?
698
00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:06,236
- What, you’re here as well?
- Yeah. Why? What’s going on?
699
00:40:06,360 --> 00:40:08,999
He said he was going to bomb
the mosque.
700
00:40:09,120 --> 00:40:10,553
- Did you say that, Barry?
- No.
701
00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:12,272
- Yeah, you did.
- No, I didn't.
702
00:40:12,400 --> 00:40:15,153
- What did you say, then?
- I said I was gonna bomb something else.
703
00:40:15,280 --> 00:40:17,953
What did you say you were gonna bomb?
704
00:40:18,080 --> 00:40:19,991
Hm?
705
00:40:20,120 --> 00:40:21,712
Fuck off!
706
00:40:21,840 --> 00:40:23,239
Fuck off out of my house!
707
00:40:25,080 --> 00:40:26,354
Oh, Barry, you moron.
708
00:40:31,240 --> 00:40:33,037
- Salaam, Ahmed.
- Alaykum salaam.
709
00:40:33,160 --> 00:40:37,438
- Omar, it’s your brother. Come in.
- No, I’m OK.
710
00:40:37,560 --> 00:40:40,358
Just come in and sit down.
711
00:40:40,480 --> 00:40:41,833
- Salaam Alaykum.
- Alaykum salaam.
712
00:40:44,080 --> 00:40:46,389
Just come in and sit down.
713
00:40:47,080 --> 00:40:49,640
I’m not in the same room.
You can come in.
714
00:40:49,760 --> 00:40:51,318
You are.
715
00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:52,839
I’m not.
716
00:40:52,960 --> 00:40:54,632
The wall has been taken out, so you are.
717
00:40:56,280 --> 00:40:59,477
Have you come to drop some fatwas,
cos we’ve just had the carpet cleaned?
718
00:41:03,560 --> 00:41:05,232
Not in this house, bro.
719
00:41:05,360 --> 00:41:07,590
- Freeze or I’ll blow your guts out.
- All right, go easy.
720
00:41:07,720 --> 00:41:09,950
OK. Right, come on!
721
00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:11,638
You’ve got 30 seconds!
722
00:41:12,720 --> 00:41:15,917
- What are you teaching him, Omar?
- It’s a water pistol. Have you lost it?
723
00:41:16,040 --> 00:41:19,589
Have you got 150 quotes from scholars
saying we can’t squirt a water pistol?
724
00:41:20,640 --> 00:41:22,995
There is no justification
for what you are planning.
725
00:41:23,120 --> 00:41:25,076
- What am I planning, bro?
- You tell me.
726
00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:27,156
- Want to know what I am planning?
- Yeah.
727
00:41:29,040 --> 00:41:32,510
Sure you can handle it, bro?
Yeah? You ready?
728
00:41:32,640 --> 00:41:35,074
It’s not a proper plan yet, yeah?
729
00:41:35,200 --> 00:41:36,872
But I’m thinking, inshallah,
730
00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:39,639
I’m going to go upstairs
and run a hot bath, right?
731
00:41:39,760 --> 00:41:41,990
Then come back down
and make beans on toast. I’m proper hungry.
732
00:41:42,120 --> 00:41:43,633
- Very funny.
- What?
733
00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:50,069
Is it, bro? Have you got opinions
to back that up?
734
00:41:50,200 --> 00:41:52,236
I have got 18 opinions, all very good ones.
735
00:41:52,360 --> 00:41:55,750
You know what? It’s not Top Trumps.
Muslims are getting pasted and you go,
736
00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:58,394
'I’ve got 60,000 opinions
saying we can’t fight back.
737
00:41:58,520 --> 00:42:02,354
'We must measure our beard with a ruler
and lock our wives in cupboard! '
738
00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:05,278
That’s not a joke, is it, bro?
739
00:42:05,400 --> 00:42:08,119
It is not a cupboard, it is a small room.
740
00:42:08,240 --> 00:42:11,357
Oh, come on. It was a flipping toilet
till you took the china out.
741
00:42:11,480 --> 00:42:13,038
I don’t argue with women.
742
00:42:13,160 --> 00:42:15,754
No, you don’t.
You lock ‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘em in a cupboard.
743
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:17,233
Omar, your wife is out of control.
744
00:42:17,360 --> 00:42:19,271
I don’t know how to control her.
Help me out.
745
00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:22,472
Am I... Am I out of control? Ooh.
746
00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:24,955
Do it again. He won’t fight back.
747
00:42:25,080 --> 00:42:26,957
- What am I like? I’m out of control.
- Obey me, wife. Obey me.
748
00:42:27,080 --> 00:42:28,195
Go and do it.
749
00:42:28,320 --> 00:42:30,788
Fight back, brother!
750
00:42:30,920 --> 00:42:32,399
What’s all the violence, brother?
751
00:42:32,520 --> 00:42:36,274
- Are you fighting back?
- This is not fighting.
752
00:42:36,400 --> 00:42:39,949
- By the law of Sharia, I am not fighting.
- You’re a proper Mujahid!
753
00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:41,354
By the law...
754
00:42:41,480 --> 00:42:43,789
- I am not fighting.
- You’re so violent, bro!
755
00:42:46,200 --> 00:42:47,428
Hey, Omar.
756
00:42:47,560 --> 00:42:50,120
- You’re terrible, you are.
- I’m out of control.
757
00:42:50,240 --> 00:42:51,639
Aren’t you, eh?
758
00:43:10,960 --> 00:43:13,758
- That’s twice as much, bro.
- This one’s gonna leave a mark.
759
00:43:16,960 --> 00:43:18,359
Just drop it.
760
00:43:24,640 --> 00:43:26,198
Ooh!
761
00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:27,275
Shit, man!
762
00:43:28,760 --> 00:43:30,352
- Come on, bro. Give me that.
- Jew.
763
00:43:30,480 --> 00:43:31,799
Gay.
764
00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:33,592
Fed.
765
00:43:34,880 --> 00:43:36,836
Sodomite.
766
00:43:37,600 --> 00:43:38,589
Gynaecologist.
767
00:43:39,880 --> 00:43:42,348
Innocent bloke. Doesn’t exist.
768
00:43:43,920 --> 00:43:46,275
Leonard Cohen.
Here, you give me that.
769
00:43:46,400 --> 00:43:48,436
You do some work.
770
00:43:52,640 --> 00:43:54,676
This one’s gonna be
like a grenade, man.
771
00:43:54,800 --> 00:43:57,473
- Oh, bro.
- Here, watch this.
772
00:43:57,600 --> 00:43:59,158
Watch this, bro!
773
00:44:07,840 --> 00:44:10,832
Come on, lads. Why don’t we just
pick up the phone and call the cops?
774
00:44:10,960 --> 00:44:12,837
Right? Come on.
775
00:44:14,040 --> 00:44:16,315
- Sorry, man.
- Sorry, bro.
776
00:44:16,440 --> 00:44:18,271
We don’t have to use that
on ourselves, do we, Barry?
777
00:44:18,400 --> 00:44:20,470
- Course we do, bro.
- But it’s our choice, right?
778
00:44:20,600 --> 00:44:22,670
- Fess? Fess?
- What?
779
00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:25,758
It is your choice.
Right? It can only be your choice.
780
00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:28,235
Right, yeah.
781
00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:30,351
- Fess. Fess.
- What?
782
00:44:31,240 --> 00:44:32,832
It is your choice, right,
783
00:44:32,960 --> 00:44:35,269
but you’ve chosen
to blow yourself up, haven’t you?
784
00:44:38,680 --> 00:44:40,272
Haven’t you?
785
00:44:44,600 --> 00:44:46,556
Mashallah, brother Crow.
786
00:44:46,680 --> 00:44:48,193
Mashallah.
787
00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:52,313
You’re doing this, right,
to save brother Faisal.
788
00:44:53,360 --> 00:44:56,113
And I know it’s come
as a bit of a shock to you,
789
00:44:56,240 --> 00:44:58,595
but everything will be all right.
790
00:44:58,720 --> 00:45:02,679
Yeah? OK.
You see that over there?
791
00:45:02,800 --> 00:45:03,789
That...
792
00:45:04,960 --> 00:45:08,111
That’s a sex shop. Right?
793
00:45:08,240 --> 00:45:11,391
A US embassy,
or some other such slag utility.
794
00:45:13,000 --> 00:45:15,150
Right, now wait there.
795
00:45:15,280 --> 00:45:18,590
When I say, you fly to the target.
796
00:45:18,720 --> 00:45:21,757
When I dial this,
you go to heaven, brother Crow.
797
00:45:24,640 --> 00:45:26,119
Inshallah.
798
00:45:53,680 --> 00:45:54,749
Yeah.
799
00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:57,917
What’s that?
What’s that, Mrs. Thistle?
800
00:45:58,040 --> 00:45:59,871
No, I don’t want to resit
my media studies.
801
00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:03,117
Stupid Mrs. Thistle,
I don’t want to retake it.
802
00:46:03,240 --> 00:46:06,277
You know why?
Cos I’ve found a new purpose in life.
803
00:46:06,400 --> 00:46:09,631
And here it is. Eat that shit!
804
00:46:10,440 --> 00:46:12,874
Eat that. Eat that. You fuck...
805
00:46:13,840 --> 00:46:16,274
Come on, lads. Let’s go.
Salaam alaykum.
806
00:46:16,400 --> 00:46:19,710
- Alaykum salaam.
- You all right? Where are they?
807
00:46:19,840 --> 00:46:22,718
They’ve all gone, man.
They’re using the fireworks for cover.
808
00:46:22,840 --> 00:46:25,832
Yeah, I know that. That was my idea.
Why didn’t they wait for me?
809
00:46:25,960 --> 00:46:28,520
- Barry said that you said, 'Go ahead. '
- Did he?
810
00:46:28,640 --> 00:46:30,835
- I’m just on night shift.
- Yeah, you are, bro.
811
00:46:30,960 --> 00:46:34,236
If anybody comes knocking for Barry,
tell them you used to know him...
812
00:46:41,600 --> 00:46:43,318
Can I come?
813
00:46:53,200 --> 00:46:55,555
Don’t drop it, you prick!
814
00:46:55,680 --> 00:46:59,116
Brother Faisal, if you drop this,
we’re baked beans from here to Derby.
815
00:47:00,360 --> 00:47:02,954
- Slowly, slowly.
- Oh!
816
00:47:03,080 --> 00:47:04,069
- It’s good.
- All right.
817
00:47:04,200 --> 00:47:07,272
- Good, good.
- Let’s get out of here.
818
00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:10,071
- OK.
- Come on. I’m gonna blow it.
819
00:47:10,200 --> 00:47:11,872
- Ready?
- All right.
820
00:47:14,320 --> 00:47:15,799
Is it gonna be loud?
821
00:47:27,640 --> 00:47:29,551
Did you see that?
822
00:47:29,680 --> 00:47:32,956
Fucking good, Barry. Fucking good.
That were proper good!
823
00:47:33,800 --> 00:47:35,916
- Well done, Barry.
- What’s up?
824
00:47:36,040 --> 00:47:38,156
Did you miss it, bro?
Did you miss it, bro?
825
00:47:40,320 --> 00:47:43,710
I told you before, Barry, didn’t I?
What were you lads playing at?
826
00:47:43,840 --> 00:47:47,879
- Why didn’t you call me, Waj? Eh?
- I didn’t have no credit.
827
00:47:49,280 --> 00:47:53,671
This breaks anti-surveillance protocol.
We shouldn’t be back here till tomorrow.
828
00:47:53,800 --> 00:47:56,394
The protocol is that you were supposed
to stay here and guard the flat, Barry,
829
00:47:56,520 --> 00:47:58,431
cos there’s a good chance
that you are being monitored.
830
00:47:58,560 --> 00:48:01,950
Is that an Islamic argument, brother?
I only listen to Islamic arguments.
831
00:48:02,080 --> 00:48:03,991
That was my microwave, Barry.
I had it ten years, that Matsui.
832
00:48:04,120 --> 00:48:05,473
I should’ve been there.
833
00:48:05,600 --> 00:48:07,670
Your microwave
has been well sacrificed.
834
00:48:07,800 --> 00:48:10,155
Don’t screw with my jihad.
I’m telling you for the last time.
835
00:48:10,280 --> 00:48:12,794
- Your jihad? You said 'my jihad '.
- Our jihad. Don’t screw with it.
836
00:48:12,920 --> 00:48:14,672
- Our jihad.
- What did he say, Fess?
837
00:48:14,800 --> 00:48:17,030
- Did he say 'my jihad '?
- What difference does it make?
838
00:48:17,160 --> 00:48:20,789
- You said 'my jihad '.
- So what? This is such a small thing.
839
00:48:20,920 --> 00:48:22,114
Hey!
840
00:48:22,240 --> 00:48:23,753
Come and have a look at this.
841
00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:30,635
# Dancing in the moonlight
842
00:48:30,760 --> 00:48:35,276
# Everybody’s feeling warm and bright...
843
00:48:37,680 --> 00:48:38,669
Hass!
844
00:48:39,920 --> 00:48:40,909
Claude!
845
00:48:46,400 --> 00:48:47,276
Shit!
846
00:48:57,120 --> 00:48:58,758
Right, it’s time to go now, Alice.
847
00:48:58,880 --> 00:49:00,916
Why? What’s going on?
848
00:49:01,040 --> 00:49:02,598
Nothing. We just need you to go.
849
00:49:06,120 --> 00:49:08,759
Oh.
850
00:49:08,880 --> 00:49:11,678
Oh, I get it.
I know what’s going on here.
851
00:49:15,280 --> 00:49:16,679
I know what you lot are.
852
00:49:19,120 --> 00:49:20,872
You lot...
853
00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:22,911
are a bunch of Paki-bashers.
854
00:49:25,360 --> 00:49:29,831
- What?
- Mountie boys. Gays.
855
00:49:30,960 --> 00:49:33,713
- Yes, we are so gay.
- I’m not.
856
00:49:33,840 --> 00:49:35,319
Yes, you are. We all are.
857
00:49:35,440 --> 00:49:38,113
But mainly it’s these two.
Isn’t it, Norman?
858
00:49:41,400 --> 00:49:43,550
- Yes.
- Yeah, you love it, don’t you?
859
00:49:43,680 --> 00:49:46,353
We’ve got to get down
to some gay business now, all of us.
860
00:49:51,560 --> 00:49:53,391
You lot aren’t my friends any more.
861
00:49:59,320 --> 00:50:01,038
Safe, is he?
862
00:50:01,160 --> 00:50:05,153
She didn’t see anything, man.
I swear to God, she didn’t see the...
863
00:50:05,280 --> 00:50:07,874
The bolts and the...
I’ll sort this out.
864
00:50:08,000 --> 00:50:10,639
I’ll sort it out, man.
Just give me a minute.
865
00:50:10,760 --> 00:50:12,318
I’ll go down and sort this shit out.
866
00:50:12,440 --> 00:50:14,510
You are going to sort it out
cos you’re going to kill her.
867
00:50:14,640 --> 00:50:15,629
Kill her?
868
00:50:17,320 --> 00:50:19,470
We’re gonna kill her?
869
00:50:19,600 --> 00:50:21,431
Not us, Waj. Hass.
870
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:24,797
You want me to kill her?
871
00:50:26,080 --> 00:50:28,674
You can fuck her, but you can’t kill her?
What’s wrong with you?
872
00:50:34,080 --> 00:50:36,958
Give him your pocket knife, Barry.
873
00:50:37,080 --> 00:50:39,992
There we go. There. Knife and fork.
Make a fucking meal of it.
874
00:50:42,760 --> 00:50:45,752
I’m not joking, bro.
Do I look like I’m joking?
875
00:50:45,880 --> 00:50:47,438
No. Now go on your way.
876
00:50:58,320 --> 00:50:59,309
How do I do it?
877
00:50:59,440 --> 00:51:02,079
Cut her head off
and bring it back in a bucket.
878
00:51:02,760 --> 00:51:03,749
Chop her head off?
879
00:51:03,880 --> 00:51:06,758
We’re not really gonna kill her, are we?
You fucking idiot!
880
00:51:06,880 --> 00:51:08,757
Why don’t we just call up the pigs
and dob ourselves in.
881
00:51:08,880 --> 00:51:11,474
That d be clever.
A body on our hands to trail back to us.
882
00:51:11,600 --> 00:51:12,874
Shut up!
883
00:51:13,000 --> 00:51:14,718
What are we gonna do with all this?
884
00:51:14,840 --> 00:51:16,796
She’s seen it now.
We’ve got to move it now.
885
00:51:16,920 --> 00:51:19,195
- We’re gonna put it in Barry’s allotment.
- We’ll put it...
886
00:51:19,320 --> 00:51:21,117
Shut up, Barry. Solved.
Problem solved.
887
00:51:21,240 --> 00:51:23,071
Daddy’s come home
and wiped everyone’s arse, hasn’t he?
888
00:51:23,200 --> 00:51:26,829
That’s what jihad’s about.
It’s me wiping your arses.
889
00:51:26,960 --> 00:51:28,871
Oh, sorry. One minute. Hello, Gaza?
890
00:51:29,000 --> 00:51:32,549
Yeah, Omar would love to come
and help but he can t, he’s really busy
891
00:51:32,680 --> 00:51:34,989
wiping up the fountains of shit
spraying out the arses of these...
892
00:51:41,280 --> 00:51:43,077
OK, thank you.
893
00:51:48,640 --> 00:51:50,437
Who were on the phone?
894
00:51:56,560 --> 00:51:57,549
Slow down, please.
895
00:52:01,600 --> 00:52:03,989
Get us there in one piece, Barry.
Go easy.
896
00:52:05,440 --> 00:52:07,032
Go easy!
897
00:52:09,960 --> 00:52:11,029
Oh! Oh!
898
00:52:11,160 --> 00:52:13,355
Don’t rattle the stuff, Barry.
Slow down, man.
899
00:52:13,480 --> 00:52:15,072
Use your eyes, boys.
We’ve got a predator.
900
00:52:15,200 --> 00:52:17,475
What, the milk float?
901
00:52:17,600 --> 00:52:20,558
- That’s a milk float!
- The Feds work undercover, you mug!
902
00:52:21,840 --> 00:52:22,829
No, no.
903
00:52:22,960 --> 00:52:24,951
No, no!
904
00:52:25,960 --> 00:52:27,757
No, don’t do this to me!
905
00:52:27,880 --> 00:52:29,233
Come on!
906
00:52:33,080 --> 00:52:34,991
Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck!
907
00:52:36,240 --> 00:52:38,674
Fuck, fuck, fuck it!
908
00:52:40,880 --> 00:52:42,552
- Did you fix this, then, Barry?
- Yes, I fixed it!
909
00:52:42,680 --> 00:52:45,240
- Did you?
- It’s the parts. They’re Jewish.
910
00:52:45,360 --> 00:52:47,316
What parts in a car are Jewish?
911
00:52:52,120 --> 00:52:53,712
- Spark plugs?
- Spark plugs.
912
00:52:53,840 --> 00:52:56,957
Jews invented spark plugs
to control global traffic.
913
00:52:58,760 --> 00:53:01,797
Right, everybody calm down.
We’re gonna grab the gear and walk.
914
00:53:01,920 --> 00:53:05,276
All right, but check the roofs, boys.
There could still be an ambush.
915
00:53:05,400 --> 00:53:07,994
Careful, careful with that. Watch out.
916
00:53:10,400 --> 00:53:12,914
Easy does it. Just act natural. OK?
917
00:53:15,320 --> 00:53:17,515
One jolt
and this stuff could go, right?
918
00:53:17,640 --> 00:53:19,995
You got to run smooth, right?
919
00:53:20,120 --> 00:53:22,634
You got to run fast,
but you got to run smooth, right?
920
00:53:22,760 --> 00:53:24,113
Like this, right?
921
00:53:24,240 --> 00:53:27,710
This is fast but slow,
smooth but fast.
922
00:53:27,840 --> 00:53:31,150
Barry, we’re fine! Lads, we’re fine!
There’s no need for any of this.
923
00:53:31,280 --> 00:53:33,874
We’re fine, are we?
We’re fucking surrounded. Look.
924
00:53:34,000 --> 00:53:35,797
- Everybody get off the road.
- Omar!
925
00:53:35,920 --> 00:53:38,878
Anybody talks, I’m gonna make them
jump up and down till they go bang.
926
00:53:39,000 --> 00:53:42,515
Just keep your mouths shut
and let me deal with this, all right?
927
00:53:42,640 --> 00:53:45,279
Hey, man. How’s it going?
928
00:53:45,400 --> 00:53:47,630
Nice little one-pack
you got going on there, bro.
929
00:53:47,760 --> 00:53:49,034
You’re a pint of sauce, Omar.
930
00:53:49,160 --> 00:53:52,232
Have you managed to run a mile yet
without stopping for a milkshake?
931
00:53:52,360 --> 00:53:55,193
- Make that 12 miles. All right, lads?
- All right.
932
00:53:55,960 --> 00:53:57,359
What’s with the bags?
933
00:53:57,480 --> 00:53:58,549
- Shopping.
- Marzipan.
934
00:53:58,680 --> 00:53:59,874
- Toys.
- Chicken.
935
00:54:01,600 --> 00:54:04,239
- We’re about to go and play football.
- Yeah?
936
00:54:04,360 --> 00:54:06,476
We should grab all this kit
and head down there to the pitch.
937
00:54:06,600 --> 00:54:08,272
- Yeah.
- All right, bro.
938
00:54:08,400 --> 00:54:09,879
Right. See you in a bit, man.
939
00:54:12,200 --> 00:54:15,078
Hey, lads. Wait, look.
You forgot this.
940
00:54:15,200 --> 00:54:16,758
- Hey! Hey!
- Aahh!
941
00:54:20,800 --> 00:54:22,358
What’s that?
942
00:54:22,480 --> 00:54:25,392
That bag’s full of really fragile...
943
00:54:25,520 --> 00:54:27,431
boots.
944
00:54:27,560 --> 00:54:31,030
- Are they all right?
- Yeah. That’s just thigh exercises.
945
00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:35,273
- What?
- Quad squats. You know, squat jogs.
946
00:54:35,400 --> 00:54:38,631
It’s just... It’s for the marathon.
I thought you d know.
947
00:54:38,760 --> 00:54:41,672
- Yeah? Squat jogs?
- Yeah.
948
00:54:42,360 --> 00:54:43,793
All right, man. See you in a bit.
949
00:54:43,920 --> 00:54:45,035
Like that.
950
00:54:45,160 --> 00:54:46,798
- Squat jogs, yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.
951
00:54:47,240 --> 00:54:49,071
- Down?
- Bit lower.
952
00:54:49,200 --> 00:54:50,918
- Safe-age, mate!
- All right, man.
953
00:54:55,400 --> 00:54:57,072
- Take care, man.
- Yeah, yeah.
954
00:55:16,080 --> 00:55:19,231
- All right, brothers?
- Oh, Alhamdulillah, bro.
955
00:55:19,360 --> 00:55:20,554
- Yeah.
- We skilled it.
956
00:55:20,680 --> 00:55:21,669
Where’s Faisal?
957
00:55:22,440 --> 00:55:25,273
Hey, boys.
Boys, come and have a look at this.
958
00:55:26,400 --> 00:55:27,833
Can you see him?
959
00:55:29,640 --> 00:55:31,358
Hey, bro!
960
00:55:31,480 --> 00:55:32,799
Run!
961
00:55:33,960 --> 00:55:35,632
Hey, brother Faisal!
962
00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:37,079
Over the wall, Faisal!
963
00:55:37,200 --> 00:55:40,351
- Yeah, run faster, bro!
- Yeah, but not too fast!
964
00:56:15,040 --> 00:56:16,439
Where is he?
965
00:56:38,320 --> 00:56:41,437
- It was a martyr’s death.
- Gone to paradise, innit, brother Omar?
966
00:56:42,760 --> 00:56:46,469
- He disrupted the infrastructure.
- How did he do that?
967
00:56:47,520 --> 00:56:49,317
He took out a sheep.
968
00:56:50,240 --> 00:56:52,037
Magnificently took it right out.
969
00:56:54,440 --> 00:56:55,429
Did he?
970
00:56:56,960 --> 00:57:00,953
- Attacked the food supply.
- Some of it’s in there... with him.
971
00:57:01,080 --> 00:57:03,799
- What?
- I couldn’t separate it.
972
00:57:06,200 --> 00:57:10,239
So what is he, lads?
Is he a martyr or is he a fucking jalfrezi?
973
00:57:10,360 --> 00:57:13,079
- He’s a martyr.
- Right, this is bullshit!
974
00:57:13,200 --> 00:57:15,668
- He is not a martyr.
- Yes, he is. He’s part of the war.
975
00:57:15,800 --> 00:57:18,314
What war?
The war on kuffar sheep?
976
00:57:18,440 --> 00:57:21,750
- He’s the first hero of the final jihad.
- He’s not a hero, he’s a dickhead.
977
00:57:21,880 --> 00:57:23,996
And so are you, you’re all dickheads.
978
00:57:24,120 --> 00:57:25,792
Whoa, brother. That is out of order.
979
00:57:25,920 --> 00:57:29,435
I’ve made a decision, Barry.
The mission’s off.
980
00:57:29,560 --> 00:57:32,472
It’s finished, I’m done with this.
981
00:57:32,600 --> 00:57:35,558
You can’t handle the war, brother.
You’re having a wobble.
982
00:57:35,680 --> 00:57:38,114
I’ve got nothing to have a wobble about.
My conscience is clear.
983
00:57:38,240 --> 00:57:39,958
- You’re the one who killed Faisal!
- I didn’t kill him!
984
00:57:40,080 --> 00:57:42,036
Yes, you did, you brought TV Paki in
985
00:57:42,160 --> 00:57:43,957
after you saw him
making an arse out of himself
986
00:57:44,080 --> 00:57:46,435
at a public meeting
you shouldn’t even have been at.
987
00:57:46,560 --> 00:57:47,993
And he blew our cover.
988
00:57:48,120 --> 00:57:50,156
Ever since then,
you’ve had everybody so paranoid,
989
00:57:50,280 --> 00:57:52,874
poor little Faisal s
panicked himself to death.
990
00:57:53,000 --> 00:57:55,719
- So really Hassan killed him.
- No, you killed him.
991
00:57:55,840 --> 00:57:58,070
No, you killed him.
You heard what he said.
992
00:57:58,200 --> 00:58:01,351
- You killed him more.
- I thought it was a good thing he died.
993
00:58:01,480 --> 00:58:03,471
Isn’t he a martyr?
It’s a good thing, right?
994
00:58:05,280 --> 00:58:06,838
All right, I did kill him, then.
995
00:58:06,960 --> 00:58:09,872
I martyred him. He’s up there now,
keeping my seat warm.
996
00:58:13,080 --> 00:58:16,277
- Come on, our kid, let’s go.
- I think I martyred him a bit, too.
997
00:58:16,400 --> 00:58:18,038
What?
998
00:58:18,160 --> 00:58:21,152
- We got to keep on.
- You got a plan, Waj?
999
00:58:22,640 --> 00:58:25,757
- Blow something up.
- What are we going to blow up, Waj?
1000
00:58:27,080 --> 00:58:29,036
Internet.
1001
00:58:29,160 --> 00:58:31,993
We’ll blow up the internet
for brother Faisal.
1002
00:58:32,120 --> 00:58:33,758
We’re mujahid, brother, yeah?
1003
00:58:33,880 --> 00:58:35,279
Rubber Dinghy Rapids, yeah?
1004
00:58:35,400 --> 00:58:37,470
You’re not a mujahid.
You’re a fucking idiot.
1005
00:58:37,600 --> 00:58:40,797
Do you think a real mujahid gives a fuck
about Rubber Dinghy Rapids
1006
00:58:40,920 --> 00:58:43,070
and gets his deen from
The Cat That Went To Mecca,
1007
00:58:43,200 --> 00:58:45,919
a book he can’t finish
cos it’s far too fucking advanced for him?
1008
00:58:46,040 --> 00:58:48,793
I tell you what, I’ve got a plan for you.
Why don’t you go with...
1009
00:58:51,120 --> 00:58:52,678
...and lose yourself in the forest?
1010
00:59:27,440 --> 00:59:28,759
Omar!
1011
00:59:32,640 --> 00:59:34,119
Salaam, Omar.
1012
00:59:34,240 --> 00:59:35,878
Salaam alaykum, bro.
1013
00:59:38,680 --> 00:59:42,229
You and your boys look like...
something rubbish.
1014
00:59:42,880 --> 00:59:44,279
You all right, Omar?
1015
00:59:45,840 --> 00:59:47,558
Yeah, yeah. I am, as it goes.
1016
00:59:49,440 --> 00:59:52,591
- Listen, can I ask you something?
- Why not, brother?
1017
00:59:53,920 --> 00:59:56,957
Screw it, doesn’t matter.
You’ve already started doing the face.
1018
00:59:57,080 --> 00:59:58,991
Why not come to our study group, Omar?
1019
00:59:59,120 --> 01:00:01,680
What, and get a four-hour dose of that face?
1020
01:00:01,800 --> 01:00:05,395
The floaty face of the wise bird,
hovering on a million quotes,
1021
01:00:05,520 --> 01:00:08,557
about to do a massive wisdom shit
on my head.
1022
01:00:08,680 --> 01:00:10,079
Forget it.
1023
01:00:39,480 --> 01:00:42,790
Omar, what are you doing?
It’s the middle of the night.
1024
01:00:44,120 --> 01:00:45,314
What is that?
1025
01:00:45,440 --> 01:00:48,477
- It’s a puffin party.
- A what?
1026
01:00:48,600 --> 01:00:50,477
- It’s a puffin party.
- A puffin party?
1027
01:00:50,600 --> 01:00:54,309
- I’m talking to Waj’s puffin.
- Omar, what are you talking about?
1028
01:00:54,440 --> 01:00:57,000
It’s the boys. I’ve left them.
1029
01:00:57,120 --> 01:01:01,318
Now Hassan’s puffin won’t talk to me,
Waj’s puffin’s just told me to piss off,
1030
01:01:01,880 --> 01:01:05,316
Barry’s puffin’s turned all red
and is hiding under the pirate hat.
1031
01:01:07,400 --> 01:01:09,470
Faisal’s dead.
1032
01:01:10,720 --> 01:01:12,597
He’s dead. They...
1033
01:01:12,720 --> 01:01:17,111
He was carrying explosives
and he tripped up over a sheep.
1034
01:01:19,600 --> 01:01:21,716
They’re total idiots, Sof.
1035
01:01:24,120 --> 01:01:27,317
Well, it must have been God’s plan
for him to be blown up on a sheep.
1036
01:01:28,880 --> 01:01:31,792
Come on, Sof.
How can that be God’s plan?
1037
01:01:31,920 --> 01:01:35,993
Well, it can’t be God’s plan
to leave the lads with Barry, can it?
1038
01:01:39,920 --> 01:01:41,512
Come here.
1039
01:01:44,760 --> 01:01:48,196
You were much more fun when
you were gonna blow yourself up, love.
1040
01:01:49,720 --> 01:01:52,234
I am gonna blow myself up, right?
1041
01:01:52,360 --> 01:01:56,433
Just not in a mosque
or in a chemist’s or on top of a duck.
1042
01:01:56,560 --> 01:02:00,473
Right, well, if they’re gonna blow
themselves up in the wrong place,
1043
01:02:00,600 --> 01:02:04,036
you’ve got to make sure
you all blow up in the right place.
1044
01:02:05,920 --> 01:02:09,469
Sof, I can’t even get them to stir their tea
without smashing a window.
1045
01:02:09,600 --> 01:02:13,229
What does your heart say, hmm?
1046
01:02:13,360 --> 01:02:15,078
God’s in your heart, Dad.
1047
01:02:15,200 --> 01:02:17,395
Oi, you, come here.
1048
01:02:18,880 --> 01:02:20,711
Sorry, I heard talking.
1049
01:02:22,000 --> 01:02:24,514
Can we finish off
the story about Simba’s jihad?
1050
01:02:24,640 --> 01:02:27,108
Yeah, we can do that tomorrow.
Come on, off to bed.
1051
01:02:27,240 --> 01:02:29,071
Does he become a martyr, eh, Dad?
1052
01:02:31,120 --> 01:02:34,112
Don’t you worry,
cos even if he gets blown to bits,
1053
01:02:34,240 --> 01:02:35,639
he’s gonna die smiling.
1054
01:02:35,760 --> 01:02:38,957
- He’ll go straight to heaven.
- Yeah.
1055
01:02:39,080 --> 01:02:41,640
He’ll be in heaven
before his head hits the ceiling.
1056
01:02:57,440 --> 01:03:02,912
An Asian man’s head was found less
than 2 miles from the city centre today.
1057
01:03:03,040 --> 01:03:06,032
Steven Fap discovered
the Asian man’s head
1058
01:03:06,160 --> 01:03:08,879
when it nearly fell onto his dog out of a tree.
1059
01:03:09,000 --> 01:03:11,514
A head fell out of the tree
and nearly hit my dog.
1060
01:03:11,640 --> 01:03:13,596
The man has not been identified,
1061
01:03:13,720 --> 01:03:18,157
but it seems that he may have died
while trying to cause an explosion.
1062
01:03:27,280 --> 01:03:29,430
- Yo, Matt... Is Matt here?
- He’s in the back.
1063
01:03:29,560 --> 01:03:31,551
- Terry, step outside, bro.
- Say that again.
1064
01:03:31,680 --> 01:03:33,352
I need you to go outside.
Get a doughnut.
1065
01:03:33,480 --> 01:03:36,711
- I’ve got one.
- Get another one.
1066
01:03:36,840 --> 01:03:38,159
- Matt?
- Oh, thanks!
1067
01:03:38,280 --> 01:03:39,395
- Omar?
- Yeah, mate.
1068
01:03:39,520 --> 01:03:42,159
- Can you can help me with this?
- I got to ask you something first.
1069
01:03:42,280 --> 01:03:44,157
I booked a clown and they gave me this.
1070
01:03:44,280 --> 01:03:46,748
It’s the wrong way up.
I can’t run in a wrong-way-up clown!
1071
01:03:46,880 --> 01:03:48,199
They said, 'You ordered it. '
1072
01:03:48,320 --> 01:03:50,311
- Why would I order a wrong-way-up clown?
- It’s fine.
1073
01:03:50,440 --> 01:03:52,749
- I can sort you out.
- I didn’t even know what one was.
1074
01:03:52,880 --> 01:03:55,519
I can sort you out with another costume
so you can do the marathon.
1075
01:03:55,640 --> 01:03:58,791
I said, 'You’re gonna cause
a pile -up at the marathon with me
1076
01:03:58,920 --> 01:04:01,832
'flat to my arse in a costume
I can’t even bloody believe exists. '
1077
01:04:01,960 --> 01:04:05,270
I’ve got you a rabbit costume at home.
You can run the marathon in that.
1078
01:04:05,400 --> 01:04:07,038
- Can I run in a rabbit?
- Course you can.
1079
01:04:07,160 --> 01:04:09,674
It’s amazing. It’s a rabbit, right?
Panic over. Done?
1080
01:04:09,800 --> 01:04:11,756
- Yes, I’m sorry.
- I’ve got to ask you something.
1081
01:04:11,880 --> 01:04:13,711
Have you?
Have you seen the news?
1082
01:04:13,840 --> 01:04:15,876
- Yeah, the head.
- What do you know about that?
1083
01:04:16,000 --> 01:04:18,355
Well, they’re just saying it’s jihadi.
1084
01:04:18,480 --> 01:04:20,914
They’ve got him.
Filmed him blowing up a crow.
1085
01:04:21,840 --> 01:04:25,719
It’s not jihadi, though, is it, Omar,
blowing up a crow?
1086
01:04:26,520 --> 01:04:27,509
Omar?
1087
01:04:28,520 --> 01:04:32,229
No, it’s a cultural thing. We bazooka-ed
an ostrich at that wedding I was at.
1088
01:04:32,360 --> 01:04:35,716
- Yeah?
- Yeah, I... I’ve got to go, Matt.
1089
01:04:42,120 --> 01:04:43,109
Shit!
1090
01:04:45,080 --> 01:04:46,479
God help us.
1091
01:04:50,720 --> 01:04:54,269
- That’s the police, man.
- All right. Arm yourselves.
1092
01:04:55,400 --> 01:04:57,038
All right?
1093
01:04:57,800 --> 01:04:59,119
- Oi.
- Get out of my way, Barry.
1094
01:04:59,680 --> 01:05:03,309
Oi! Fuck off out the back door!
You’re not part of this now.
1095
01:05:03,440 --> 01:05:06,113
Lads, this is an emergency.
They found Faisal’s head.
1096
01:05:06,240 --> 01:05:08,913
The head that you buried 5 feet
underneath your shed
1097
01:05:09,040 --> 01:05:10,758
fell out of a tree onto a dog.
1098
01:05:10,880 --> 01:05:12,677
Good. Dogs contradict Islam.
1099
01:05:12,800 --> 01:05:14,358
Dibble is onto us, lads.
1100
01:05:15,000 --> 01:05:17,992
- Dibble is on to us.
- I told you, it was a knee.
1101
01:05:18,120 --> 01:05:19,917
That was a head.
It was obviously a head.
1102
01:05:20,040 --> 01:05:21,155
It had a hinge!
1103
01:05:22,240 --> 01:05:24,196
Right. So, I’ve just seen Matt.
1104
01:05:24,320 --> 01:05:26,629
Matt is running
the London marathon tomorrow.
1105
01:05:26,760 --> 01:05:28,239
He’s doing it in costume.
1106
01:05:28,360 --> 01:05:30,191
You know they run in costume?
Well, so can we.
1107
01:05:30,320 --> 01:05:33,039
We can disguise the gear in there
and it’s perfect.
1108
01:05:33,160 --> 01:05:35,879
We’ve got live TV,
prime targets all along the road.
1109
01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:37,911
We’ve got a target, Omar.
It’s the mosque.
1110
01:05:38,040 --> 01:05:39,029
When you meet God,
1111
01:05:39,160 --> 01:05:41,674
do you want to tell him,
'I struck a blow for the brothers '?
1112
01:05:41,800 --> 01:05:45,395
- Or 'I blew a load of them up '?
- Blew a load of ‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘em up. He’ll love that.
1113
01:05:45,520 --> 01:05:47,750
Come on, lads. Waj?
1114
01:05:47,880 --> 01:05:50,030
I’m not on your side any more, brother Omar.
1115
01:05:52,000 --> 01:05:54,389
- You ripped me up, bro.
- Mashallah.
1116
01:05:54,520 --> 01:05:55,919
Waj, bro...
1117
01:05:57,360 --> 01:05:59,078
I’m really sorry.
1118
01:05:59,200 --> 01:06:01,430
My head was in a mess cos of Faisal.
1119
01:06:02,880 --> 01:06:04,711
I should’ve stayed.
1120
01:06:06,200 --> 01:06:07,713
Why didn’t you, then?
1121
01:06:07,840 --> 01:06:09,319
Cos I made a mistake.
1122
01:06:09,440 --> 01:06:12,557
But you didn't. You listened to your heart
and you did the right thing.
1123
01:06:14,560 --> 01:06:17,996
No, ignore him, Waj. He’s being nice.
1124
01:06:18,120 --> 01:06:20,429
You cannot win an argument
just by being nice.
1125
01:06:20,560 --> 01:06:23,154
Not just by being nice, Baz.
I’m right as well, aren’t I?
1126
01:06:23,280 --> 01:06:25,350
You cannot win an argument
just by being right.
1127
01:06:26,560 --> 01:06:28,198
- No?
- No. No way.
1128
01:06:29,320 --> 01:06:32,357
- I think maybe you can, Barry?
- Who asked you, fuck -brain?
1129
01:06:39,920 --> 01:06:42,354
Barry’s not a good emir, brother Omar.
1130
01:06:42,480 --> 01:06:45,119
He made me do bad stuff in the woods.
1131
01:06:45,240 --> 01:06:46,639
Like what?
1132
01:06:48,480 --> 01:06:51,711
He said, if I was a proper mujahid,
1133
01:06:51,840 --> 01:06:53,637
I d wiz in my own mouth.
1134
01:06:54,800 --> 01:06:57,872
You made him wee in his own gob?
1135
01:06:58,760 --> 01:07:00,671
What is wrong with you, bro?
1136
01:07:00,800 --> 01:07:02,313
It’s submission.
It’s the rules of submission.
1137
01:07:02,440 --> 01:07:04,670
It felt really bad, brother.
1138
01:07:04,800 --> 01:07:06,916
It’s not too tricky
once you get the aim right,
1139
01:07:07,040 --> 01:07:09,918
but it just feels like really proper wrong.
1140
01:07:10,920 --> 01:07:13,388
All wee splashing off your teeth.
1141
01:07:18,360 --> 01:07:23,798
Bro, I swear, bro,
I may ask you to blow yourself up
1142
01:07:23,920 --> 01:07:26,388
but I will never ask you
to piss in your own mouth.
1143
01:07:27,920 --> 01:07:29,672
- Yeah?
- Yeah, bro. Promise.
1144
01:07:31,640 --> 01:07:34,518
- No more widdle in my gob.
- Promise, bro.
1145
01:07:36,680 --> 01:07:38,318
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
1146
01:07:40,520 --> 01:07:43,239
Rubber Dinghy Rapids, brother.
1147
01:07:43,360 --> 01:07:44,952
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
1148
01:07:51,680 --> 01:07:52,954
See this, brother Hass?
1149
01:07:53,080 --> 01:07:55,594
It’s gays at work.
It’s not Muslims, it’s gays.
1150
01:07:55,720 --> 01:07:58,598
OK, brother Hass,
marathon or mosque?
1151
01:08:00,080 --> 01:08:03,550
- Either way, we’re gonna blow, right?
- Yeah, to pieces, brother.
1152
01:08:03,680 --> 01:08:06,956
Yeah, but... we die smiling, bro.
1153
01:08:12,800 --> 01:08:14,950
Yeah, wicked.
1154
01:08:15,080 --> 01:08:16,593
Wicked. Yeah, man.
1155
01:08:16,720 --> 01:08:19,029
Let’s blow up a load of fit slags
at the marathon, yeah?
1156
01:08:19,160 --> 01:08:20,115
Oh, yes!
1157
01:08:20,240 --> 01:08:21,753
Yes, bro.
1158
01:08:21,880 --> 01:08:23,313
Wicked. Yes!
1159
01:08:23,440 --> 01:08:24,953
Come on, Barry. We’re lions, bro.
1160
01:08:25,080 --> 01:08:26,638
- Four lions.
- Yes!
1161
01:08:26,760 --> 01:08:28,591
Good lad.
1162
01:08:32,040 --> 01:08:33,553
Down on the floor!
1163
01:08:53,160 --> 01:08:54,718
I’ll be two minutes.
1164
01:09:07,000 --> 01:09:09,116
What’s it concerning?
1165
01:09:09,240 --> 01:09:11,435
We trying to ascertain the whereabouts
of your brother-in-law.
1166
01:09:11,560 --> 01:09:12,549
Why, what’s up?
1167
01:09:12,680 --> 01:09:14,830
Tell us when you saw him last.
1168
01:09:15,960 --> 01:09:17,871
Well...
1169
01:09:18,000 --> 01:09:19,592
I can’t remember
the last time I saw him.
1170
01:09:22,520 --> 01:09:24,795
Right, nurse, still on shift? Sorry.
1171
01:09:24,920 --> 01:09:28,037
So, I’ve got the stats back
from cubicle seven.
1172
01:09:28,160 --> 01:09:30,879
They need some more blood supplies
for the knee.
1173
01:09:31,000 --> 01:09:31,989
The what?
1174
01:09:32,120 --> 01:09:34,759
Yes, the knee string.
The knee string’s come off.
1175
01:09:34,880 --> 01:09:36,871
Hm.
1176
01:09:37,000 --> 01:09:38,911
I’ve finished my shift now.
1177
01:09:39,040 --> 01:09:41,873
So I’m going to take my team
up to the top floor.
1178
01:09:42,000 --> 01:09:43,149
- Right?
- OK.
1179
01:09:43,280 --> 01:09:44,759
So I’ll see you up there.
1180
01:09:46,560 --> 01:09:47,834
Yeah?
1181
01:09:49,320 --> 01:09:50,833
- OK.
- Yeah?
1182
01:09:50,960 --> 01:09:53,554
You all right, lads.
You going to arrest me?
1183
01:09:53,680 --> 01:09:54,954
- No, no.
- Carry on.
1184
01:09:55,080 --> 01:09:56,832
OK.
1185
01:10:01,080 --> 01:10:05,039
Right, so your brother-in-law,
when was the last time you saw him?
1186
01:10:05,160 --> 01:10:07,628
Er, like I said, about two months ago.
1187
01:10:42,240 --> 01:10:44,629
#Dancing in the moonlight
1188
01:10:44,760 --> 01:10:49,197
#Everybody's feeling warm and bright
1189
01:10:49,320 --> 01:10:52,790
#Such a fine and natural sight
1190
01:10:52,920 --> 01:10:57,311
#Everybody's dancing in the moonlight...
1191
01:11:20,680 --> 01:11:22,477
Come on lads, we’re late.
1192
01:11:24,880 --> 01:11:26,871
- Is it all right?
- It’s all right there now.
1193
01:11:27,000 --> 01:11:29,070
- Yeah.
- Right, we’re nearly done, our kid.
1194
01:11:29,200 --> 01:11:30,679
Yeah, nearly done.
1195
01:11:30,800 --> 01:11:32,279
- OK?
- Yeah.
1196
01:11:37,960 --> 01:11:39,393
Mujahid, brothers!
1197
01:11:39,520 --> 01:11:42,432
- Mujahid.
- Mujahid, brother Hassan.
1198
01:11:42,560 --> 01:11:43,754
Mujahid!
1199
01:11:47,200 --> 01:11:48,838
Defo right thing, yeah, bro?
1200
01:11:48,960 --> 01:11:50,279
What?
1201
01:11:50,400 --> 01:11:52,595
Blowing up kuffar and that?
1202
01:11:52,720 --> 01:11:54,950
- Totally legit, yeah?
- Yeah.
1203
01:11:55,080 --> 01:11:56,479
Good. Wicked.
1204
01:11:57,400 --> 01:11:59,675
I was just... just checking and that.
1205
01:12:01,360 --> 01:12:04,909
Waj, don’t listen to your brain, bro.
1206
01:12:05,040 --> 01:12:08,430
OK? The shaitan,
he gets in there with his wasa-wasa.
1207
01:12:08,560 --> 01:12:12,235
What you’ve got to do, you’ve got to
listen to your heart. Remember?
1208
01:12:12,360 --> 01:12:15,955
- My heart. Yeah, brother Omar.
- So, what does your heart say?
1209
01:12:16,080 --> 01:12:17,752
It says, er...
1210
01:12:17,880 --> 01:12:19,871
'It’s wrong, Waj, don’t do it. '
1211
01:12:23,720 --> 01:12:25,119
And what does your brain say?
1212
01:12:29,640 --> 01:12:31,596
'We’re here...
1213
01:12:33,000 --> 01:12:35,355
'... together, strapped up,
1214
01:12:35,480 --> 01:12:38,313
'and it would be, like,
well pathetic to cop out now. '
1215
01:12:38,440 --> 01:12:40,510
Right, um...
1216
01:12:40,640 --> 01:12:44,235
- So he should listen to his brain.
- No, he’s got to listen to his heart, Barry.
1217
01:12:44,360 --> 01:12:47,875
Anyway, this is Waj’s brain.
Since when do we listen to Waj’s brain?
1218
01:12:48,000 --> 01:12:50,230
- Sorry, bro.
- No, I agree. I’m thick as fudge.
1219
01:12:50,360 --> 01:12:53,033
His brain says do it,
so his brain’s got to be right!
1220
01:12:53,720 --> 01:12:56,314
That can’t be his brain, right?
That’s his heart, Barry.
1221
01:12:56,440 --> 01:13:00,035
- Feels like my brain, brother.
- OK, this is what’s happened.
1222
01:13:01,960 --> 01:13:04,349
What’s happened is,
the shaitan has confused you.
1223
01:13:05,840 --> 01:13:07,751
He’s swapped round
your brain and your heart.
1224
01:13:07,880 --> 01:13:12,317
So, don’t listen
to what you think is your heart,
1225
01:13:12,440 --> 01:13:14,237
cos that’s actually your brain -
1226
01:13:14,360 --> 01:13:17,113
in disguise as your heart.
1227
01:13:17,240 --> 01:13:20,038
Right? And what you thought
was your brain,
1228
01:13:20,160 --> 01:13:22,151
that s... that’s your heart.
1229
01:13:23,960 --> 01:13:25,871
That’s actually your heart.
1230
01:13:26,000 --> 01:13:27,672
My brain is my heart.
1231
01:13:27,800 --> 01:13:30,234
You got it, our kid. So just...
1232
01:13:30,760 --> 01:13:31,749
What’s up there?
1233
01:13:31,880 --> 01:13:32,949
Heart.
1234
01:13:35,080 --> 01:13:36,911
OK? Yeah? Follow your heart.
1235
01:13:37,040 --> 01:13:38,359
Nice one, brother.
1236
01:13:38,480 --> 01:13:41,074
- Right?
- Nice one. Alhamdulillah.
1237
01:13:42,440 --> 01:13:44,112
- Hey, hey!
- What?
1238
01:13:44,760 --> 01:13:47,035
Oh, behn choad!
1239
01:13:47,160 --> 01:13:48,957
We’re doing a fun run for a kid’s charity.
1240
01:13:49,080 --> 01:13:51,116
Stretches, stretches, stretches.
1241
01:13:51,240 --> 01:13:53,435
- We’re running for charity.
- What kind of charity?
1242
01:13:53,560 --> 01:13:55,039
- For kids.
- What kind of kids?
1243
01:13:55,160 --> 01:13:56,275
Policemen’s kids.
1244
01:13:57,760 --> 01:13:59,716
You all right, officer?
1245
01:13:59,840 --> 01:14:02,274
- Late for the fun run, lads?
- What’s it to you?
1246
01:14:02,400 --> 01:14:06,439
Yeah, we are, actually. Do you know
how we can get to the red zone?
1247
01:14:08,640 --> 01:14:10,631
You can’t run in that, can you?
1248
01:14:12,040 --> 01:14:14,031
He just drew the short straw.
1249
01:14:15,320 --> 01:14:17,117
Four short straws were there?
1250
01:14:21,680 --> 01:14:23,875
Red zone? It’s back down there, left.
1251
01:14:24,000 --> 01:14:27,754
Second left again, then there’s marshals.
They’ll tell you where to park.
1252
01:14:27,880 --> 01:14:29,279
Thank you.
1253
01:14:30,400 --> 01:14:32,118
You’re gonna die in that gear, lads.
1254
01:14:34,760 --> 01:14:36,830
- That’s more than likely.
- Proper likely.
1255
01:14:36,960 --> 01:14:38,951
We’re all going to die, yeah.
1256
01:14:39,080 --> 01:14:41,230
It’s all for a good cause, though.
1257
01:14:44,000 --> 01:14:45,797
Well, good luck.
1258
01:14:47,680 --> 01:14:49,193
Have a good day.
1259
01:14:49,320 --> 01:14:51,276
Everybody OK?
Everybody strapped up?
1260
01:14:51,400 --> 01:14:54,756
Got your detonator on?
Hass, you got your number?
1261
01:14:54,880 --> 01:14:56,552
Hass, have you got your number?
1262
01:14:57,480 --> 01:14:58,390
Hey!
1263
01:14:58,520 --> 01:15:00,192
- Where the fuck has he gone?
- Shit!
1264
01:15:00,320 --> 01:15:01,719
What the fuck’s he doing?
1265
01:15:01,840 --> 01:15:03,478
Help! Help!
1266
01:15:03,600 --> 01:15:05,716
- I’m accidentally a suicide bomber!
- Stop!
1267
01:15:06,720 --> 01:15:08,995
- I’ve got a bomb!
- He’s bottled it.
1268
01:15:09,120 --> 01:15:11,190
It’s the costume.
The legs make the hands go up.
1269
01:15:11,320 --> 01:15:14,232
- I’ve got a bomb but it’s a mistake!
- No, he said he’s got a bomb.
1270
01:15:14,360 --> 01:15:17,272
- You’ve got a bomb?
- Yeah, but I’m not a bomber!
1271
01:15:17,400 --> 01:15:19,595
Don’t worry.
1272
01:15:19,720 --> 01:15:21,711
- This is a fucking bad prank, mate!
- No, no!
1273
01:15:21,840 --> 01:15:24,593
No, I’m real, but not anymore.
1274
01:15:25,320 --> 01:15:26,878
You’re real but not anymore?
1275
01:15:27,000 --> 01:15:28,991
I don’t understand.
Have you got a bomb?
1276
01:15:29,120 --> 01:15:30,758
Yes, but it’s not going to go off.
1277
01:15:30,880 --> 01:15:33,348
- How do I know that?
- Look.
1278
01:15:41,360 --> 01:15:43,396
We’ve got to go, now.
1279
01:15:43,520 --> 01:15:45,829
We need to go, now.
1280
01:15:45,960 --> 01:15:47,757
Now!
1281
01:15:55,400 --> 01:15:56,674
Go! Come on, go!
1282
01:15:57,160 --> 01:16:00,436
Waj, try and find some targets.
I’ll see you on the top floor, our kid.
1283
01:16:00,560 --> 01:16:01,959
Radisson-style penthouse suite!
1284
01:16:02,080 --> 01:16:03,274
Smooth running, Waj.
1285
01:16:03,400 --> 01:16:05,755
'Smooth running, Waj.
Smooth running. '
1286
01:16:06,880 --> 01:16:09,155
- You killed Hassan!
- He bottled.
1287
01:16:09,280 --> 01:16:11,510
You took away his choice.
You de-martyred him.
1288
01:16:11,640 --> 01:16:13,471
Did Waj have a choice
when you told him
1289
01:16:13,600 --> 01:16:16,831
his heart was his brain
and his gob was his ring piece?
1290
01:16:16,960 --> 01:16:18,518
You tomatoed your friend.
1291
01:16:18,640 --> 01:16:21,154
- Barry...
- You’ve killed the special-needs donkey.
1292
01:16:23,520 --> 01:16:24,509
No, I haven t.
1293
01:16:25,240 --> 01:16:26,753
Let him blow!
1294
01:16:26,880 --> 01:16:28,871
Let the retard blow!
1295
01:16:31,600 --> 01:16:33,033
Fuck!
1296
01:17:03,160 --> 01:17:04,388
Oi, you, stop!
1297
01:17:34,640 --> 01:17:35,629
All right, bro?
1298
01:17:35,840 --> 01:17:36,829
Hey!
1299
01:17:41,160 --> 01:17:42,593
Stay there!
1300
01:17:42,720 --> 01:17:45,359
I’m fucking loaded! Yeah?
1301
01:17:45,480 --> 01:17:48,074
No messing now, yeah?
1302
01:17:48,200 --> 01:17:50,953
That’s it. Stay there.
1303
01:17:56,560 --> 01:17:58,516
Shut it. Shut the metal. Shut it.
1304
01:17:58,640 --> 01:17:59,868
Shut it!
1305
01:18:01,920 --> 01:18:04,275
Right, lads. See this, yeah?
1306
01:18:04,400 --> 01:18:05,674
Any of you do anything,
1307
01:18:06,400 --> 01:18:08,595
we’re all turning baked beans, all right?
1308
01:18:08,720 --> 01:18:10,711
No fucking messing now. Yeah?
1309
01:18:13,480 --> 01:18:16,790
Target confirmations are
ostrich and grizzly bear.
1310
01:18:16,920 --> 01:18:18,911
Ostrich and grizzly bear are the targets.
1311
01:18:26,240 --> 01:18:28,754
The bear is down. Repeat,
the bear is down. I got the bear.
1312
01:18:28,880 --> 01:18:31,075
I think that’s a wookie.
That’s a wookie.
1313
01:18:31,200 --> 01:18:32,519
No, it’s not, it’s a bear.
1314
01:18:33,800 --> 01:18:35,199
Is a wookie a bear, control?
1315
01:18:35,320 --> 01:18:38,915
The bear target has changed.
Target bear is now target Honey Monster.
1316
01:18:39,040 --> 01:18:41,190
Is a honey monster a bear?
1317
01:18:41,320 --> 01:18:43,675
A honey monster is not a bear.
1318
01:18:44,440 --> 01:18:46,112
A honey monster is a bear.
1319
01:18:46,240 --> 01:18:48,754
The honey monster is down.
He was a target. He was a bear.
1320
01:18:48,880 --> 01:18:50,074
The honey monster is down?
1321
01:18:50,200 --> 01:18:53,351
The honey monster is not down, control.
We have a wookie down.
1322
01:18:53,480 --> 01:18:56,153
- What's a wookie?
- A bear. It’s a bear!
1323
01:18:56,280 --> 01:18:59,078
No, it is a wookie.
You’ve just shot it as a bear.
1324
01:18:59,200 --> 01:19:01,634
- Is a wookie a bear?
- It’s a bear. Repeat, it’s a bear.
1325
01:19:01,760 --> 01:19:03,751
The wookie is down.
The wookie is not the target.
1326
01:19:03,880 --> 01:19:06,678
Well, it must be the target.
I just shot it.
1327
01:19:12,280 --> 01:19:15,158
I’ll just finish this,
then we’re all off to heaven, all right?
1328
01:19:16,120 --> 01:19:18,111
Martyrs suite, VIP lounge.
1329
01:19:19,400 --> 01:19:20,515
Are you going to kill us?
1330
01:19:20,640 --> 01:19:24,030
Well, I might have some seconds,
but I kind of am, yeah.
1331
01:19:24,920 --> 01:19:25,955
Why?
1332
01:19:26,080 --> 01:19:28,799
For jihad, man. Kuffar and that.
1333
01:19:28,920 --> 01:19:30,353
But we support jihad, bro.
1334
01:19:31,600 --> 01:19:34,068
I can’t explain it, lads, but...
1335
01:19:34,200 --> 01:19:36,236
If brother Omar were here,
1336
01:19:36,360 --> 01:19:38,828
I swear he d tell you knowledge
proper good.
1337
01:19:59,880 --> 01:20:01,871
- Omar?
- Waj?
1338
01:20:02,000 --> 01:20:03,558
- Are you in paradise, bro?
- No, bro.
1339
01:20:03,680 --> 01:20:06,353
- I’m in a cafe. Where are you?
- I’m in a kebab shop.
1340
01:20:06,480 --> 01:20:09,631
I’ve got hostages and everything,
like Xbox Counter-Strike.
1341
01:20:09,760 --> 01:20:13,196
- Right, listen, Waj. You’ve got to...
- Thing is, they're all brothers.
1342
01:20:13,320 --> 01:20:17,313
I still get points for taking them with me,
though, yeah? Like Nectar card?
1343
01:20:19,240 --> 01:20:20,958
Omar?
1344
01:20:21,080 --> 01:20:24,197
- Let them all go. Just keep one of them.
- Eh?
1345
01:20:25,480 --> 01:20:27,835
Just grab one of them.
Let the rest of them go, Waj.
1346
01:20:27,960 --> 01:20:29,075
OK.
1347
01:20:29,880 --> 01:20:31,711
Right, you stay.
1348
01:20:31,840 --> 01:20:33,239
You three can go.
1349
01:20:36,040 --> 01:20:37,393
Go!
1350
01:20:37,520 --> 01:20:38,589
OK. Now listen, Waj.
1351
01:20:38,720 --> 01:20:41,029
What you were saying before
about this being wrong,
1352
01:20:41,160 --> 01:20:42,718
you were right, it is wrong.
1353
01:20:42,840 --> 01:20:44,637
- I don’t... What do you mean?
- For you.
1354
01:20:44,760 --> 01:20:46,876
For you, Waj,
doing what you’re doing is wrong.
1355
01:20:47,000 --> 01:20:50,356
Yeah, I know. It feels really wrong, bro.
But that’s why it’s right, yeah?
1356
01:20:51,280 --> 01:20:53,316
No, you’re confused, bro.
1357
01:20:53,440 --> 01:20:54,839
I’m not confused, brother.
1358
01:20:54,960 --> 01:20:57,633
Yes, you are confused.
I confused you.
1359
01:20:57,760 --> 01:20:59,751
But when I’m confused,
I got my confused face.
1360
01:20:59,880 --> 01:21:01,154
Wait.
1361
01:21:09,880 --> 01:21:13,589
Bro, I just took a picture of my face.
It’s defo not my confused face.
1362
01:21:13,720 --> 01:21:15,597
- Waj, I don’t need...
- I'll send it you.
1363
01:21:15,720 --> 01:21:17,517
Waj. Waj, wait.
1364
01:21:17,640 --> 01:21:19,232
Listen to me, Waj. Wait.
1365
01:21:19,360 --> 01:21:22,432
'Listen to me. ' It’s too late
to stick your hand up his arse now.
1366
01:21:25,760 --> 01:21:26,909
Aargh!
1367
01:21:27,040 --> 01:21:28,155
Oh!
1368
01:21:28,280 --> 01:21:30,430
Ah, look at the Paki Bono.
1369
01:21:30,560 --> 01:21:31,913
You want to call him?
1370
01:21:32,040 --> 01:21:33,917
You want to call
the special-needs donkey?
1371
01:21:34,040 --> 01:21:35,519
Here you go.
1372
01:21:35,640 --> 01:21:37,232
You forgot the SIM card.
1373
01:21:48,080 --> 01:21:49,479
Mind out. Mind out the way.
1374
01:21:50,880 --> 01:21:52,632
Easy, chap. OK.
1375
01:21:52,760 --> 01:21:55,433
It’s all right, I can Heimlich.
That’s it, don’t fight me.
1376
01:21:55,560 --> 01:21:57,710
- Wait.
- I’ve done this before, sonny.
1377
01:21:57,840 --> 01:21:59,114
That’s it. Don’t fight it.
1378
01:21:59,240 --> 01:22:00,673
That’s it, that’s it.
1379
01:22:02,760 --> 01:22:04,432
And catch the peanut!
1380
01:22:28,040 --> 01:22:30,600
Number withheld.
I don’t do 'number withheld '.
1381
01:22:30,720 --> 01:22:32,199
Answer it, bro.
It could be important!
1382
01:22:32,320 --> 01:22:34,515
Hey, yeah. Maybe I won an iPhone.
1383
01:22:35,720 --> 01:22:37,597
- Waj?
- Have I won?
1384
01:22:37,720 --> 01:22:41,269
Waj, this is Ed.
I’m with Special Branch. I’m just outside.
1385
01:22:41,400 --> 01:22:44,278
- How did you get this number?
- Waj, can we talk?
1386
01:22:44,400 --> 01:22:47,198
- Have you got agents at Orange?
- I'm sorry?
1387
01:22:47,320 --> 01:22:50,949
You’ve got proper double agents
working at Orange, haven’t you?
1388
01:22:51,080 --> 01:22:53,913
I knew I should have gone to O 2.
I’ve got loads of friends on O 2.
1389
01:22:54,040 --> 01:22:56,759
Waj, what are your demands?
1390
01:22:59,000 --> 01:23:00,149
I don’t have any.
1391
01:23:07,920 --> 01:23:11,754
Excuse me, mate. Have you got
a SIM card for this phone, please?
1392
01:23:11,880 --> 01:23:15,270
Not for that model, but we can sort one out
for you if you want to come with me.
1393
01:23:15,400 --> 01:23:17,675
Can you make this work.
I need it. Is it on?
1394
01:23:17,800 --> 01:23:19,153
It’s only a display model.
Do you want that one?
1395
01:23:19,280 --> 01:23:20,349
Yeah, I want it. I need it.
1396
01:23:20,480 --> 01:23:22,835
Gordon? Can you get that phone
for me, please, mate?
1397
01:23:30,360 --> 01:23:32,476
Waj, why are you doing this?
1398
01:23:32,600 --> 01:23:34,318
Rubber Dinghy Rapids.
1399
01:23:35,000 --> 01:23:35,989
Sorry?
1400
01:23:36,120 --> 01:23:39,669
Rubber Dinghy Rapids, bro.
Fast track.
1401
01:23:39,800 --> 01:23:41,950
Straight on the rides, like Alton Towers.
1402
01:23:42,080 --> 01:23:45,675
- No queue.
- You like funfairs then, Waj?
1403
01:23:45,800 --> 01:23:48,234
It’s not a funfair, bro,
it’s a theme park.
1404
01:23:48,360 --> 01:23:50,191
Funfair? How old are you?
1405
01:23:50,320 --> 01:23:52,231
Alton Towers got a spa, bro.
1406
01:23:54,480 --> 01:23:56,072
- Just now.
- All right, mate.
1407
01:23:56,200 --> 01:23:58,270
I’m doing it for you.
Would you like 12 months?
1408
01:23:58,400 --> 01:24:00,436
- Contract?
- Any.
1409
01:24:00,560 --> 01:24:02,312
- Do the call plan.
- All right, mate.
1410
01:24:02,440 --> 01:24:05,637
Easy, bro, easy.
I’m doing it for you.
1411
01:24:05,760 --> 01:24:09,514
- I think I’m going to go now, bro.
- Wait, Waj. What about girls?
1412
01:24:09,640 --> 01:24:12,234
I bet you like the ladies.
1413
01:24:12,360 --> 01:24:14,396
Is this your first time, bro?
1414
01:24:14,520 --> 01:24:16,476
Are you a virgin at this?
1415
01:24:18,080 --> 01:24:19,991
Please, Waj,
can we talk about girls?
1416
01:24:20,120 --> 01:24:22,429
You fill that out. Fill it out.
1417
01:24:22,560 --> 01:24:24,710
- What sort of call plan would you like?
- What?
1418
01:24:24,840 --> 01:24:26,910
We’ve got the Labrador?
The Dragon?
1419
01:24:27,040 --> 01:24:29,270
- Just any?
- How about the Hermit Crab?
1420
01:24:29,400 --> 01:24:31,755
- Huh?
- It’s 1800 free texts.
1421
01:24:32,960 --> 01:24:33,949
Forget it.
1422
01:24:35,520 --> 01:24:36,635
I’ve still got your card.
1423
01:24:40,000 --> 01:24:41,592
OK, we can talk about girls.
1424
01:24:41,720 --> 01:24:44,871
Right so what sort of girls
are you into, then, Waj?
1425
01:24:45,000 --> 01:24:47,514
I don’t know.
Ones with big jubblies and that.
1426
01:24:47,640 --> 01:24:49,437
- Yeah? You like them big, Waj?
- Yeah.
1427
01:24:49,560 --> 01:24:51,915
And nice fit arses, too, man.
1428
01:24:52,040 --> 01:24:54,315
You’re an arse man, aren’t you, Waj?
1429
01:24:54,440 --> 01:24:56,795
I knew you were, bro.
You 're an arse man.
1430
01:24:56,920 --> 01:24:58,831
You 're a massive arse man.
1431
01:24:58,960 --> 01:25:01,952
- What are you saying?
- I’m saying you’re an arse man, Waj.
1432
01:25:02,080 --> 01:25:05,311
You giving me batty chirps, bro?
You calling me a whammer?
1433
01:25:05,440 --> 01:25:07,954
- No.
- Fuck off!
1434
01:25:11,200 --> 01:25:13,475
Fucking Boy George!
1435
01:25:22,840 --> 01:25:24,159
Don’t worry, brother Nabil.
1436
01:25:28,960 --> 01:25:30,393
Hold on to these.
1437
01:25:30,520 --> 01:25:31,873
When I press the clicker,
1438
01:25:32,000 --> 01:25:34,309
just think about taking out the kuffar.
1439
01:25:34,440 --> 01:25:36,237
You’ll be in paradise before me, bro!
1440
01:25:36,360 --> 01:25:38,794
But there’s no kuffar here, bro.
1441
01:25:40,360 --> 01:25:42,157
Yeah, but...
1442
01:25:42,960 --> 01:25:45,918
Brother Faisal, he’s a martyr
and he only blew up a sheep.
1443
01:25:48,040 --> 01:25:50,600
I think you might be confused, brother.
1444
01:25:52,120 --> 01:25:53,519
I’m not.
1445
01:25:54,760 --> 01:25:56,557
You look confused.
1446
01:26:02,880 --> 01:26:04,711
Sorry. Matt!
1447
01:26:04,840 --> 01:26:07,638
- Omar!
- Matt!
1448
01:26:08,280 --> 01:26:11,033
Yeah, man, listen.
Have you got a signal on your phone?
1449
01:26:11,720 --> 01:26:13,631
Yeah. What are you doing here?
1450
01:26:13,760 --> 01:26:15,876
I’ll level with you Matt. I’m Ml5.
1451
01:26:16,000 --> 01:26:18,514
Special undercover job. I’m a spook.
1452
01:26:18,640 --> 01:26:20,039
What?
1453
01:26:20,160 --> 01:26:21,878
So what’s going on?
1454
01:26:22,000 --> 01:26:23,479
Fathers 4 Justice.
1455
01:26:24,320 --> 01:26:26,959
They’ve teamed up with the Real IRA.
It’s the nightmare scenario.
1456
01:26:27,880 --> 01:26:29,711
- Jesus.
- Yeah. Just give me five.
1457
01:26:36,720 --> 01:26:38,312
Fucking 'number unknown ' again.
1458
01:26:38,440 --> 01:26:40,749
Is that whammer cop
going straight to hell or what?
1459
01:26:42,320 --> 01:26:44,038
- What are you doing?
- Hello?
1460
01:26:44,160 --> 01:26:46,913
- Hello, Waj, bro. It’s Omar.
- Omar?
1461
01:26:47,040 --> 01:26:47,950
Omar?
1462
01:26:48,080 --> 01:26:49,798
- Waj.
- Tell me what to do, bro.
1463
01:26:49,920 --> 01:26:52,718
I think I might be confused
but I’m not sure.
1464
01:26:52,840 --> 01:26:54,512
Listen, bro.
You do what I do, right?
1465
01:26:54,640 --> 01:26:55,993
You do the same as me, OK?
1466
01:26:56,120 --> 01:26:57,997
Yes, brother, I’ll do the same as you.
1467
01:26:58,120 --> 01:27:01,237
Right, OK.
I’m going give myself up, bro.
1468
01:27:01,360 --> 01:27:03,396
- Eh?
- I’m going to give myself up, bro.
1469
01:27:08,840 --> 01:27:10,990
Waj? Waj!
1470
01:27:12,400 --> 01:27:14,789
Waj? Waj?
1471
01:27:17,080 --> 01:27:21,312
Brother, what am I?
What am I doing, brother?
1472
01:27:22,280 --> 01:27:25,113
- Waj! Waj!
- What am I doing, brother?
1473
01:27:25,240 --> 01:27:26,912
- Pick up the phone!
- Bro, what am I doing?
1474
01:27:27,040 --> 01:27:28,598
All right, mate?
1475
01:27:29,720 --> 01:27:32,598
I’m sorry, lads.
I don’t really know what I’m doing.
1476
01:27:42,520 --> 01:27:43,873
What was that?
1477
01:27:46,720 --> 01:27:48,312
What was that?
1478
01:27:54,280 --> 01:27:56,510
Are you all right?
1479
01:28:02,240 --> 01:28:04,151
Omar, are you all right?
1480
01:28:04,280 --> 01:28:07,431
Now, you stay here.
And you tell them I were smiling.
1481
01:28:07,560 --> 01:28:08,993
What?
1482
01:28:10,040 --> 01:28:12,190
Smile on my face.
Could be important.
1483
01:28:12,320 --> 01:28:14,914
Right... Smile.
1484
01:28:17,360 --> 01:28:19,112
- Is there?
- Yeah.
1485
01:28:23,520 --> 01:28:25,317
Where are you going?
1486
01:28:26,960 --> 01:28:28,791
Omar?
1487
01:29:12,320 --> 01:29:16,871
This is RAF Mildenhall,
1488
01:29:17,000 --> 01:29:19,150
but it’s actually Egypt.
1489
01:29:19,280 --> 01:29:23,478
When you entered the base,
you left Britain,
1490
01:29:23,600 --> 01:29:28,435
and you passed through US jurisdiction
and into this container,
1491
01:29:28,560 --> 01:29:33,156
which is internationally recognised
as the sovereign territory of Egypt.
1492
01:29:34,840 --> 01:29:37,559
You are now in Egypt.
1493
01:29:38,960 --> 01:29:42,157
There are some pretty hellish Egyptians
behind that door there.
1494
01:29:42,280 --> 01:29:45,829
They use electrodes. They use drills.
1495
01:29:46,880 --> 01:29:49,758
Biro refills.
Do you know what I mean?
1496
01:29:49,880 --> 01:29:52,519
I don’t know anything about my brother.
1497
01:29:56,760 --> 01:29:58,557
We know a lot more
than you think we do.
1498
01:30:02,040 --> 01:30:06,113
All right, let’s get one thing straight.
Omar Khan had nothing to do with this.
1499
01:30:07,640 --> 01:30:09,995
Cos I knew him and I worked with him.
1500
01:30:10,560 --> 01:30:13,711
Did you know
he was actually working for Ml5?
1501
01:30:13,840 --> 01:30:15,558
Cos he told me that himself.
1502
01:30:15,680 --> 01:30:20,435
The report makes crystal clear
that the police shot the right man,
1503
01:30:20,560 --> 01:30:23,870
but, as far as I'm aware,
the wrong man exploded.
1504
01:30:24,640 --> 01:30:26,073
Is that clear?
1505
01:30:30,480 --> 01:30:34,075
Today you felt our exploding sword
1506
01:30:34,200 --> 01:30:36,668
in your fat oppressor stomachs, man.
1507
01:30:38,880 --> 01:30:42,031
We 're the muslimeen
and we 're making terrible scenes
1508
01:30:42,160 --> 01:30:44,754
Now you wanna know
what the boom -boom means?
1509
01:30:44,880 --> 01:30:48,395
It's like Tupac said:
"When I die, I ain’t dead
1510
01:30:48,520 --> 01:30:52,149
"Fight and be slain,
die with no pain
1511
01:30:52,280 --> 01:30:56,592
Got shaheed in my heed,
for my creed I daheed
1512
01:30:56,720 --> 01:31:00,076
We are the martyrs,
you's just smashed tomatoes
1513
01:31:00,200 --> 01:31:03,237
- Now we've got...
- Bro? What were that?
1514
01:31:03,360 --> 01:31:05,476
For my creed, I daheed
1515
01:31:05,600 --> 01:31:06,999
What’s 'daheed ', though?
1516
01:31:07,120 --> 01:31:08,348
Died.
1517
01:31:08,480 --> 01:31:10,630
- Daheed, died. Daheed.
- That’s bollocks, man.
1518
01:31:10,760 --> 01:31:13,194
- You’re rhyming doolally.
- That’s clear, man.
1519
01:31:13,320 --> 01:31:14,639
No, no, look. In my opinion...
1520
01:31:14,760 --> 01:31:18,036
Look, no, man. In your opinion?
Your opinion’s shit, man.
1521
01:31:18,160 --> 01:31:20,390
With all due respect, bro,
you like Maroon 5.
1522
01:31:20,520 --> 01:31:21,953
What the fuck’s that about?
1523
01:31:22,080 --> 01:31:23,354
- Come here.
- Whoa, whoa!
1524
01:31:23,480 --> 01:31:25,311
- Come here, man.
- I’m joking!
1525
01:31:42,760 --> 01:31:47,709
When we talk about a so-called
terrorist attack on the London marathon,
1526
01:31:47,840 --> 01:31:49,831
we should remember one thing:
1527
01:31:49,960 --> 01:31:53,077
most loud bangs are not bombs,
1528
01:31:53,200 --> 01:31:55,191
they’re scooters backfiring.
1529
01:32:04,920 --> 01:32:07,832
This footage,
taken from an American spy plane.
1530
01:32:07,960 --> 01:32:12,511
appears to show two trainee Mujahideens
struggling with a rocket launcher.
1531
01:32:12,640 --> 01:32:15,313
firing it at an Arab training camp
1532
01:32:15,440 --> 01:32:19,069
and accidentally blowing up
Osama bin Laden.
1533
01:32:25,280 --> 01:32:29,751
The western imperialist culture
has left you like materialist junkies,
1534
01:32:29,880 --> 01:32:34,078
mainlining iPods and Humvees
and TK Maxx into a spiritual void.
1535
01:32:34,200 --> 01:32:36,430
Is Mad Qadeer watching this?
1536
01:32:36,560 --> 01:32:41,076
- What?
- Mad Qadeer, cos he owes me £200.
1537
01:32:42,960 --> 01:32:45,474
Mad Qadeer, if you’re watching, right,
1538
01:32:45,600 --> 01:32:47,670
you owe me £200.
1539
01:32:47,800 --> 01:32:49,518
And you’re gonna pay up.
1540
01:32:49,640 --> 01:32:51,392
Cos I’m not here right now.
1541
01:32:51,520 --> 01:32:54,159
I’m somewhere else,
but you’re still gonna pay.
1542
01:32:55,680 --> 01:32:57,989
You’re going to pay Saf.
Saf, if you’re watching, bro,
1543
01:32:58,120 --> 01:33:00,350
you go round Mad Qadeer’s house, right,
1544
01:33:00,480 --> 01:33:04,268
and you get him to pay me my £200,
cos he’s owed it me a long time.
1545
01:33:07,440 --> 01:33:08,919
He owes me money.