1
00:00:02,124 --> 00:00:03,359
Here you go, Earl.
2
00:00:03,395 --> 00:00:06,598
Table 12 throwing down
a credit card on a patty melt.
3
00:00:06,599 --> 00:00:09,934
They really need
those eight airline miles?
4
00:00:09,935 --> 00:00:12,003
Where they going... New Jersey?
5
00:00:12,004 --> 00:00:15,206
Credit cards are the downfall of America.
6
00:00:15,207 --> 00:00:19,344
Well, credit cards and Kim Kardashian.
7
00:00:19,345 --> 00:00:23,581
I like her big ass
as much as the next man,
8
00:00:23,582 --> 00:00:27,886
but don't go give
the damn butt a franchise.
9
00:00:27,887 --> 00:00:31,155
Max, I can take a lot.
10
00:00:31,156 --> 00:00:32,891
Please keep your sex life to yourself.
11
00:00:32,892 --> 00:00:35,793
I handled it
when I lost my fortune,
12
00:00:35,794 --> 00:00:37,729
and I handled it
when I lost my fortune.
13
00:00:37,730 --> 00:00:39,330
You said that twice.
14
00:00:39,331 --> 00:00:41,633
Because I think it bears repeating.
15
00:00:41,634 --> 00:00:43,167
But this is too much.
16
00:00:43,168 --> 00:00:48,773
That couple that just left...
a $50 check, a $1.47 tip.
17
00:00:48,774 --> 00:00:50,508
47 cents?
18
00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:52,944
Uh, I wasn't even aware they
were still making pennies.
19
00:00:52,945 --> 00:00:57,882
I smiled and bent over
backwards, giving them service...
20
00:00:57,883 --> 00:01:00,518
all for $1.47?
21
00:01:00,519 --> 00:01:03,788
This makes me the lowest-paid
hooker in New York.
22
00:01:03,789 --> 00:01:06,858
All right, give me that check.
I'll handle this.
23
00:01:11,797 --> 00:01:13,031
Hey!
24
00:01:13,032 --> 00:01:14,799
Was something wrong with the service
25
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,234
my girl over here gave you?
26
00:01:16,235 --> 00:01:18,903
No. Tipping's an option.
27
00:01:18,904 --> 00:01:20,972
So is me spitting in your food.
28
00:01:20,973 --> 00:01:22,106
You might want to remember that
29
00:01:22,107 --> 00:01:24,609
the next time you leave
a waitress pennies.
30
00:01:24,610 --> 00:01:26,277
I'm sorry. I didn't know.
31
00:01:26,278 --> 00:01:29,547
This was our first
and last date.
32
00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,349
Sorry, dude.
33
00:01:31,350 --> 00:01:32,583
Looks like this little tip
34
00:01:32,584 --> 00:01:37,155
just lost you the chance
to give her your little tip.
35
00:01:52,879 --> 00:01:53,936
Max, come in, sit down.
36
00:01:54,032 --> 00:01:55,432
There's something
we have to talk about.
37
00:01:55,433 --> 00:01:56,867
This can't be about my drinking.
38
00:01:56,868 --> 00:01:59,803
I don't have the money
to be a real alcoholic.
39
00:01:59,804 --> 00:02:01,772
Can you sit in that chair, please?
40
00:02:01,773 --> 00:02:03,173
I never sit in that chair.
41
00:02:03,174 --> 00:02:05,008
Well, today we're doing things differently...
42
00:02:05,009 --> 00:02:06,910
breaking our pattern.
- Hold up.
43
00:02:06,911 --> 00:02:09,413
Did you join scientology?
44
00:02:09,414 --> 00:02:11,315
And I went to Starbucks
45
00:02:11,316 --> 00:02:13,250
and got you a coffee
and a vanilla bear claw.
46
00:02:13,251 --> 00:02:15,619
A Bear Claw? Awesome!
I'll sit anywhere you want.
47
00:02:17,655 --> 00:02:19,456
My life is not where I want it to be.
48
00:02:19,457 --> 00:02:22,192
That $1.47 tip
was a wake-up call
49
00:02:22,193 --> 00:02:24,928
reminding me that life
will always undervalue you
50
00:02:24,929 --> 00:02:26,229
if you let it.
51
00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:27,664
Yes, I've been knocked down,
52
00:02:27,665 --> 00:02:30,500
but now it's time to fight back
and grab life by the balls.
53
00:02:30,501 --> 00:02:34,271
I don't know if life likes
having its balls grabbed.
54
00:02:34,272 --> 00:02:36,673
Some guys do, but those
are usually the ones
55
00:02:36,674 --> 00:02:39,109
who want you to spoon them.
56
00:02:39,110 --> 00:02:41,645
I'd like to explain
my vision for our future
57
00:02:41,646 --> 00:02:44,114
by walking you through...
58
00:02:44,115 --> 00:02:45,682
My vision board.
59
00:02:45,683 --> 00:02:48,051
- Oh, no.
- It's a simple tool.
60
00:02:48,052 --> 00:02:49,953
You're a simple tool.
61
00:02:49,954 --> 00:02:52,089
You start with a thin, white board...
62
00:02:52,090 --> 00:02:55,092
Your thin, white, and I'm bored.
63
00:02:55,093 --> 00:02:57,294
Keep going.
I can do this all day.
64
00:02:57,295 --> 00:02:58,995
I have a Bear Claw in me.
65
00:02:58,996 --> 00:03:00,864
I've been making
vision boards for years,
66
00:03:00,865 --> 00:03:02,666
and I always achieve my goals.
67
00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:04,167
And you think
it's that crazy little board
68
00:03:04,168 --> 00:03:05,969
and not your father's billions?
69
00:03:05,970 --> 00:03:07,270
- Max, it works.
70
00:03:07,271 --> 00:03:09,005
You put up pictures
and inspirational words
71
00:03:09,006 --> 00:03:10,173
of things you want in your life.
72
00:03:10,174 --> 00:03:12,743
See? I have success,
a cupcake business,
73
00:03:12,744 --> 00:03:15,379
and a picture
of a beautiful new bed.
74
00:03:15,380 --> 00:03:17,614
Ah, the ones at the Asylum
look different than that,
75
00:03:17,615 --> 00:03:19,349
so don't get attached.
76
00:03:19,350 --> 00:03:21,651
Sleeping on that couch
is holding me back.
77
00:03:21,652 --> 00:03:23,153
I never get
a restful night's sleep,
78
00:03:23,154 --> 00:03:24,755
and I need a good nine hours.
79
00:03:24,756 --> 00:03:27,791
What you need
is a good nine inches.
80
00:03:30,762 --> 00:03:33,497
That should be
on your vision board.
81
00:03:33,498 --> 00:03:38,101
It is... on the back.
82
00:03:38,102 --> 00:03:39,369
Nice.
83
00:03:39,370 --> 00:03:41,805
Now, unless you're willing
to switch the bedroom
84
00:03:41,806 --> 00:03:42,806
every other week...
85
00:03:42,807 --> 00:03:44,674
No, that sounds mormon.
86
00:03:44,675 --> 00:03:47,677
Then I want to install
a murphy bed in here.
87
00:03:47,678 --> 00:03:49,679
The bed folds up against
the wall during the day,
88
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:52,015
so you'd still maintain
your signature Williamsburg
89
00:03:52,016 --> 00:03:54,584
"I don't care about anything
chic or nice" decor.
90
00:03:54,585 --> 00:03:56,820
Who's going to build it?
'Cause it's not me.
91
00:03:56,821 --> 00:03:58,321
I'm already
being taken advantage of
92
00:03:58,322 --> 00:03:59,656
at my babysitting job.
93
00:03:59,657 --> 00:04:01,458
Peach has me lugging things
back and forth
94
00:04:01,459 --> 00:04:03,326
to help with the twins'
first birthday party.
95
00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,996
I've been sorting through
clown resumes for a week.
96
00:04:05,997 --> 00:04:08,565
Peach is throwing a birthday party?
97
00:04:08,566 --> 00:04:10,434
Did you ask her
if we can cater the desserts?
98
00:04:10,435 --> 00:04:13,170
She hires fancy people
with real companies.
99
00:04:13,171 --> 00:04:14,337
We're not a real business.
100
00:04:14,338 --> 00:04:16,239
See? This is what I'm talking about.
101
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,875
You mock the vision board, but look...
102
00:04:18,876 --> 00:04:20,277
here it is, our cupcake shop.
103
00:04:20,278 --> 00:04:22,412
I don't think we can both
fit in there.
104
00:04:22,413 --> 00:04:24,848
Max, you have to start imagining
105
00:04:24,849 --> 00:04:26,082
what our life can be.
106
00:04:26,083 --> 00:04:29,419
You deserve a cupcake shop,
and I deserve a new bed.
107
00:04:29,420 --> 00:04:31,321
All you have to do is dream it.
108
00:04:31,322 --> 00:04:34,157
No, all you have to do is do it.
109
00:04:34,158 --> 00:04:35,992
And for you to build
a Murphy bed,
110
00:04:35,993 --> 00:04:37,127
it'll take a miracle.
111
00:04:37,128 --> 00:04:40,497
So unless you have Jesus
or Jesus
112
00:04:40,498 --> 00:04:42,666
on that board...
113
00:04:42,667 --> 00:04:44,267
Not going to happen.
114
00:04:45,703 --> 00:04:46,970
Who is it?
115
00:04:46,971 --> 00:04:49,439
It's Jesus...
116
00:04:50,761 --> 00:04:53,830
From Williamsburg hardware.
117
00:04:54,947 --> 00:04:58,716
We got your do-it-yourself
Murphy bed.
118
00:04:58,739 --> 00:05:00,507
See how I made that happen?
119
00:05:00,508 --> 00:05:01,608
Vision.
120
00:05:01,609 --> 00:05:04,911
So which one of them
has the nine inches?
121
00:05:08,583 --> 00:05:10,484
Guess what I did today?
122
00:05:10,570 --> 00:05:13,038
Jesus?
123
00:05:13,099 --> 00:05:14,233
What do you think?
124
00:05:14,234 --> 00:05:16,301
I think the bed still isn't built.
125
00:05:16,302 --> 00:05:17,636
No, but it's almost finished.
126
00:05:17,637 --> 00:05:19,038
Look...
127
00:05:19,039 --> 00:05:20,673
Notice anything different
about me?
128
00:05:20,674 --> 00:05:22,441
I have answer.
129
00:05:22,442 --> 00:05:23,842
You had boob job.
130
00:05:23,843 --> 00:05:26,278
Your "b"s
have turned into "c"s,
131
00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:28,647
and for that,
I give you an "a."
132
00:05:28,648 --> 00:05:31,650
No, I had my uniform altered.
133
00:05:31,651 --> 00:05:33,819
Yes, life dealt me a bad uniform,
134
00:05:33,820 --> 00:05:35,054
but with a little vision,
135
00:05:35,055 --> 00:05:37,423
I can shape it
the way it works best for me.
136
00:05:37,424 --> 00:05:39,191
That should be a tip
in your inspirational book,
137
00:05:39,192 --> 00:05:40,192
which I'm guessing is called
138
00:05:40,193 --> 00:05:41,960
cutting pictures
out of magazines
139
00:05:41,961 --> 00:05:44,430
isn't just
for serial killers anymore.
140
00:05:44,431 --> 00:05:46,498
And this is exciting... look.
141
00:05:46,499 --> 00:05:48,400
The other really important thing
I did today...
142
00:05:48,401 --> 00:05:49,535
made us business cards.
143
00:05:49,536 --> 00:05:50,569
Now you can give one to Peach
144
00:05:50,570 --> 00:05:51,970
and throw our hat
into the party ring.
145
00:05:51,971 --> 00:05:54,073
You're her babysitter.
You already have a connection.
146
00:05:54,074 --> 00:05:57,843
Yeah, a connection
to her babies' asses.
147
00:05:57,844 --> 00:05:59,712
See? That's your limited vision.
148
00:05:59,713 --> 00:06:01,447
Plus, Peach is interviewing
this gay guy
149
00:06:01,448 --> 00:06:02,781
who used to work
for Martha Stewart.
150
00:06:02,782 --> 00:06:05,451
I mean, gay, Martha Stewart...
we can't top that.
151
00:06:05,452 --> 00:06:08,287
Just give her the cards.
We have to start somewhere.
152
00:06:08,288 --> 00:06:10,122
See?
"Max's homemade cupcakes."
153
00:06:10,123 --> 00:06:13,258
And look...
"Max Black, owner/baker."
154
00:06:13,259 --> 00:06:15,360
"Owner/baker"?
155
00:06:15,361 --> 00:06:17,229
That's pretty cool.
156
00:06:17,230 --> 00:06:18,497
See? There it is.
157
00:06:18,498 --> 00:06:19,598
It's real.
158
00:06:19,599 --> 00:06:20,933
But the name sucks a big one.
159
00:06:20,934 --> 00:06:22,968
"Homemade"...
it sounds like homeschooled,
160
00:06:22,969 --> 00:06:24,369
like we're churning out
cupcakes
161
00:06:24,370 --> 00:06:27,740
that aren't comfortable
around other people.
162
00:06:28,775 --> 00:06:30,843
Or it sounds delicious.
163
00:06:30,844 --> 00:06:33,245
And the cupcake on the card
has a cherry on it.
164
00:06:33,246 --> 00:06:35,080
My cupcakes
don't have a cherry...
165
00:06:35,081 --> 00:06:37,816
haven't since I was 13.
166
00:06:46,926 --> 00:06:49,828
If you could really get
under his shoulder blades...
167
00:06:49,829 --> 00:06:53,265
that's where he carries
all his stress.
168
00:06:53,266 --> 00:06:55,267
Don't say your real thoughts.
169
00:06:55,268 --> 00:06:56,635
Don't say your real thoughts.
170
00:06:56,636 --> 00:07:00,739
Max, we're using our spa voice today.
171
00:07:00,740 --> 00:07:02,641
Use my spa voice?
Okay.
172
00:07:02,642 --> 00:07:05,043
I can't afford this.
173
00:07:05,044 --> 00:07:07,513
I want you to make sure
174
00:07:07,514 --> 00:07:09,348
the twins drink lots of water after,
175
00:07:09,349 --> 00:07:11,183
you know, to flush out
the toxins.
176
00:07:11,184 --> 00:07:12,351
Toxins?
177
00:07:12,352 --> 00:07:13,719
All they drink is breast milk.
178
00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:15,621
I can't be sure
what the woman I buy that from
179
00:07:15,622 --> 00:07:16,989
puts in her body.
180
00:07:16,990 --> 00:07:20,492
We're all so tense
about the birthday party.
181
00:07:20,493 --> 00:07:21,960
If everything isn't perfect,
182
00:07:21,961 --> 00:07:24,229
how will they live
with the shame?
183
00:07:25,231 --> 00:07:27,833
Um, Peach, um...
184
00:07:27,834 --> 00:07:29,835
Speaking of the... the party,
185
00:07:29,836 --> 00:07:33,939
uh, I-I started this,
um, thing,
186
00:07:33,940 --> 00:07:35,574
and it's probably dumb, but...
187
00:07:35,575 --> 00:07:36,842
I don't need it.
Like, I'm fine.
188
00:07:36,843 --> 00:07:38,277
I don't need it.
It's just more like...
189
00:07:38,278 --> 00:07:40,112
like a... like a...
Favor.
190
00:07:40,113 --> 00:07:42,681
Um, but, uh, the thing is,
there's the cards,
191
00:07:42,682 --> 00:07:44,283
so I was thinking may...
"maybly"...
192
00:07:44,284 --> 00:07:46,652
"maybly"? What's that?
It's not a word, right?
193
00:07:46,653 --> 00:07:48,987
- I was not saying a word.
- I'm sorry.
194
00:07:48,988 --> 00:07:52,324
I'm done with whatever this is
that you're doing.
195
00:07:52,325 --> 00:07:54,226
I have to go meet
the Martha Stewart queen
196
00:07:54,227 --> 00:07:55,394
and hear his party pitch.
197
00:07:55,395 --> 00:07:56,461
Just remember,
198
00:07:56,462 --> 00:07:59,231
at 3:00, the twins
have their spray tans.
199
00:08:02,235 --> 00:08:06,038
Well, that's exactly
how I envisioned that.
200
00:08:09,627 --> 00:08:11,628
Let me see
what you're drawing, Johnny.
201
00:08:11,629 --> 00:08:13,163
A rat with a civil war hat.
202
00:08:13,164 --> 00:08:16,467
Is that your comment on how
politicians view soldiers?
203
00:08:16,527 --> 00:08:19,829
No, it's an actual rat
I saw wearing a hat.
204
00:08:19,830 --> 00:08:22,832
See, when you tend bar
till 4:00 a.m.,
205
00:08:22,833 --> 00:08:24,567
you see a lot of weird stuff.
206
00:08:24,568 --> 00:08:26,135
And when you waitress
till 2:00,
207
00:08:26,136 --> 00:08:28,972
you see a loser
drawing a rat on a napkin.
208
00:08:29,974 --> 00:08:31,007
Now sign it, please.
209
00:08:31,008 --> 00:08:32,208
Hmm.
210
00:08:32,261 --> 00:08:34,096
You realize my art won't be
worth anything till I'm dead?
211
00:08:34,345 --> 00:08:36,045
Why do you think
I keep inviting you here to eat
212
00:08:36,046 --> 00:08:37,347
week after week?
213
00:08:42,107 --> 00:08:42,974
Question...
214
00:08:42,984 --> 00:08:44,819
how does it feel
to be the owner
215
00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:46,420
of an original piece
of napkin art
216
00:08:46,421 --> 00:08:47,855
worth roughly...
217
00:08:47,856 --> 00:08:49,957
Less than the worth
of the napkin?
218
00:08:59,534 --> 00:09:00,935
Well, I got to get
back to work.
219
00:09:00,936 --> 00:09:02,169
All right, bye.
220
00:09:03,772 --> 00:09:06,941
Pick up... table ten.
221
00:09:06,942 --> 00:09:08,275
I watch you over there.
222
00:09:08,276 --> 00:09:12,146
Much sexual tension
with deadbeat bartender.
223
00:09:12,147 --> 00:09:14,882
He's not just a bartender.
He's a street artist.
224
00:09:14,883 --> 00:09:17,585
And all I did was bite
a piece of celery.
225
00:09:17,586 --> 00:09:21,188
When I think of all the times
I asked you to bite my celery...
226
00:09:22,457 --> 00:09:25,092
And nothing.
227
00:09:27,395 --> 00:09:30,164
Okay, my side work's done,
and my tables are all caught up.
228
00:09:30,165 --> 00:09:31,966
So, tell me,
did you give Peach the card?
229
00:09:31,967 --> 00:09:32,867
No, I didn't.
230
00:09:33,007 --> 00:09:34,074
- Why?
- It was like
231
00:09:34,123 --> 00:09:35,657
my mouth wouldn't
let me do it.
232
00:09:35,658 --> 00:09:36,758
That's crazy.
233
00:09:36,759 --> 00:09:38,226
What's so hard
about going up to Peach
234
00:09:38,227 --> 00:09:39,627
and saying,
"good afternoon, Peach."
235
00:09:39,628 --> 00:09:41,529
"Exciting news...
I started a cupcake business."
236
00:09:41,530 --> 00:09:42,697
"Here's our card."
237
00:09:42,698 --> 00:09:44,065
"Please pass them out
to all your friends,
238
00:09:44,066 --> 00:09:45,333
and help us launch our exciting
new business venture."
239
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:46,367
"Thank you."
240
00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:47,702
That sounds needy,
241
00:09:47,703 --> 00:09:51,072
like when someone asks you
to come to their one-woman show.
242
00:09:51,073 --> 00:09:52,307
"Somebody date-raped me,
243
00:09:52,308 --> 00:09:53,808
and I didn't think
I'd live through it,
244
00:09:53,809 --> 00:09:55,443
but I did,
and now I'm stronger,
245
00:09:55,444 --> 00:09:57,845
and, uh, still needy."
246
00:09:57,846 --> 00:10:00,415
There is nothing needy
about having a quality product
247
00:10:00,416 --> 00:10:01,749
and wanting it out there.
248
00:10:01,750 --> 00:10:03,685
Look at Earl... he has a CD on display.
249
00:10:03,686 --> 00:10:05,119
Yeah, but he's cool about it.
250
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:06,888
He doesn't get all
late-night infomercial
251
00:10:06,889 --> 00:10:08,723
and shove them
down people's throats.
252
00:10:08,724 --> 00:10:10,458
Earl?
253
00:10:10,459 --> 00:10:13,094
How many CDs have you sold
at the diner?
254
00:10:13,095 --> 00:10:16,898
Well, in this current economy...
255
00:10:16,899 --> 00:10:19,534
It's been pretty light.
256
00:10:19,535 --> 00:10:22,003
- May I?
- Mm-hmm.
257
00:10:22,004 --> 00:10:24,272
Hi.
258
00:10:24,273 --> 00:10:26,574
You guys
look like music lovers.
259
00:10:26,575 --> 00:10:29,944
This is the best saxophone CD
you will ever hear...
260
00:10:29,945 --> 00:10:31,846
recorded by our cashier Earl Samson.
261
00:10:31,847 --> 00:10:32,981
He's played
with all the greats...
262
00:10:32,982 --> 00:10:35,016
Coltrane, Hancock,
even Bacharach.
263
00:10:35,017 --> 00:10:37,518
His music career derailed
due to a heroin addiction,
264
00:10:37,519 --> 00:10:39,620
but now he's clean and sober
265
00:10:39,621 --> 00:10:44,158
and, at 83,
still following his dream.
266
00:10:44,159 --> 00:10:46,894
Only $9.95 a copy.
Who'd like one?
267
00:10:46,895 --> 00:10:49,897
Thank you!
268
00:10:49,898 --> 00:10:51,699
Earl, four CDs.
269
00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:54,135
Is any of that true?
270
00:10:54,136 --> 00:10:58,573
Nope. She even made up
my damn last name.
271
00:10:58,574 --> 00:11:04,545
That girl can sell.
272
00:11:04,546 --> 00:11:05,947
Oh! Max...
273
00:11:05,948 --> 00:11:07,815
Will you come
look at Brangelina?
274
00:11:07,816 --> 00:11:10,551
I think the spray-tan lady
went a little too far.
275
00:11:10,552 --> 00:11:15,289
I wanted them to look tan,
not foreign.
276
00:11:15,290 --> 00:11:17,058
A little lebanese,
277
00:11:17,059 --> 00:11:19,560
but that'll clear up
in a day or two.
278
00:11:19,561 --> 00:11:21,596
I'm having the worst day.
279
00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:24,999
Jessica Seinfeld stole
the Martha Stewart boy.
280
00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:26,734
I am so upset with her.
281
00:11:26,735 --> 00:11:28,669
I thought we were pretending
to be friends.
282
00:11:28,670 --> 00:11:31,372
And now I have no one
to do the desserts.
283
00:11:37,312 --> 00:11:39,113
- Hello, Peach, exciting news...
284
00:11:39,114 --> 00:11:41,416
I have a cupcake business.
They're really good.
285
00:11:41,417 --> 00:11:43,184
Give these to your friends
and help launch
286
00:11:43,185 --> 00:11:44,352
a new business
or whatever.
287
00:11:44,353 --> 00:11:46,554
That's it. I did it.
Boom!
288
00:11:49,825 --> 00:11:51,359
Okay, the bed still isn't built.
289
00:11:51,360 --> 00:11:54,228
But the mattress came,
and it's so good.
290
00:11:54,229 --> 00:11:56,397
Oh, no... this is not okay.
291
00:11:56,398 --> 00:11:59,067
We're not keeping a mattress
on the floor.
292
00:11:59,068 --> 00:12:02,503
We're poor,
not crackheads.
293
00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:03,871
And you tricked me.
294
00:12:03,872 --> 00:12:06,407
I did my part,
so you better get this bed done.
295
00:12:06,408 --> 00:12:07,909
Max, you gave Peach the cards.
296
00:12:07,910 --> 00:12:10,011
I'm so proud of you.
What did she say?
297
00:12:10,012 --> 00:12:12,447
No. Shut it. Do it.
298
00:12:12,448 --> 00:12:14,182
Relax. The bed will be assembled
299
00:12:14,183 --> 00:12:15,950
and hidden in the wall
by the end of the day,
300
00:12:15,951 --> 00:12:17,118
'cause I decided to do
301
00:12:17,119 --> 00:12:18,853
what cute girls
have been doing for centuries.
302
00:12:18,854 --> 00:12:20,455
I asked a guy for help.
303
00:12:20,456 --> 00:12:22,123
You called a guy?
304
00:12:22,124 --> 00:12:24,392
Oh, is he going to climb up
your long blonde hair
305
00:12:24,393 --> 00:12:27,929
and rescue you
from your murphy-bed tower?
306
00:12:27,930 --> 00:12:29,730
Wait.
You don't know any guys.
307
00:12:29,731 --> 00:12:30,731
Who did you invite?
308
00:12:30,732 --> 00:12:33,434
- Johnny.
- No. No, no, no, no.
309
00:12:33,435 --> 00:12:35,236
Eh, I don't want to see Johnny.
310
00:12:35,237 --> 00:12:37,438
I had a weird thing with him
at the diner last night.
311
00:12:37,439 --> 00:12:39,006
I thought you guys were friends.
312
00:12:39,007 --> 00:12:40,475
I don't know what we are.
313
00:12:40,476 --> 00:12:43,177
He was fake interviewing me
with a celery stalk...
314
00:12:43,178 --> 00:12:45,379
'Cause you're both grown-ups.
315
00:12:45,380 --> 00:12:47,115
And when he put it
near my mouth,
316
00:12:47,116 --> 00:12:48,716
I thought he wanted me
to bite it, so I...
317
00:12:48,717 --> 00:12:50,651
- You bit it?
- I bit it!
318
00:12:50,652 --> 00:12:53,821
- That is weird
and humiliating and hot.
319
00:12:53,822 --> 00:12:55,756
Yes, yes, and, yes.
Call him right now!
320
00:12:55,757 --> 00:12:57,492
He can't come over here.
Look around!
321
00:12:57,493 --> 00:12:59,227
I have his napkins
hanging up everywhere.
322
00:12:59,228 --> 00:13:02,330
He'll think I'm dexter.
323
00:13:03,799 --> 00:13:05,466
Don't answer that.
324
00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:07,902
- Don't you...
- Come on in, Johnny.
325
00:13:07,903 --> 00:13:09,470
Yes, I did it.
I need a bed.
326
00:13:09,471 --> 00:13:10,638
You are so selfish!
327
00:13:10,639 --> 00:13:12,206
Yes, I'm selfish,
and you're Dexter.
328
00:13:12,207 --> 00:13:14,442
So, quick... help me take down the napkins.
329
00:13:14,443 --> 00:13:15,877
Oh, god, there are so many!
330
00:13:15,878 --> 00:13:18,679
How come I never noticed
how many there were before?
331
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:20,114
I don't know.
Same reason you didn't notice
332
00:13:20,115 --> 00:13:22,316
your father stealing
everybody's money.
333
00:13:22,317 --> 00:13:24,819
Really? Really?
Now when I'm helping you?
334
00:13:24,820 --> 00:13:26,854
You're right.
We'll trash you later.
335
00:13:26,855 --> 00:13:29,557
Why don't you just ask him
what the celery moment meant?
336
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:31,159
I don't want to ask him.
337
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:32,727
You don't want to ask
anybody anything.
338
00:13:32,728 --> 00:13:34,162
It's not like the business cards.
339
00:13:34,163 --> 00:13:35,196
What am I going to say?
340
00:13:35,197 --> 00:13:36,230
"Good afternoon, Johnny."
341
00:13:36,231 --> 00:13:37,598
"Exciting news... I have started
342
00:13:37,599 --> 00:13:41,002
an oddly sexual
celery-biting business."
343
00:13:42,271 --> 00:13:44,539
Be right there, Johnny!
344
00:13:49,378 --> 00:13:52,213
Yo.
345
00:13:55,517 --> 00:13:56,784
So I brought tools...
per your request...
346
00:13:56,785 --> 00:13:59,320
and beer, I made
an executive decision on.
347
00:14:00,556 --> 00:14:02,356
So that's what you do
with my art.
348
00:14:02,357 --> 00:14:05,226
Just one, and I put it up there.
349
00:14:05,227 --> 00:14:06,694
She doesn't even like it... she's like,
350
00:14:06,695 --> 00:14:09,630
"why would anyone hang up
stupid napkin art?"
351
00:14:09,631 --> 00:14:11,465
Right off my back.
352
00:14:11,466 --> 00:14:14,235
Had a couple of these
on the subway.
353
00:14:14,236 --> 00:14:16,003
So here's the wood.
354
00:14:16,004 --> 00:14:17,471
You can't help her...
355
00:14:17,472 --> 00:14:19,740
she needs to learn a lesson
about doing things for herself.
356
00:14:19,741 --> 00:14:22,577
She thinks we're her daddy,
and we'll go back on our word,
357
00:14:22,578 --> 00:14:24,312
and she'll get a pony.
358
00:14:27,282 --> 00:14:28,983
Well, you can see
why she'd think that.
359
00:14:28,984 --> 00:14:31,385
I'm going to see
if the horse wants a beer.
360
00:14:31,386 --> 00:14:34,288
Hmm, maybe put my glasses on him...
361
00:14:34,289 --> 00:14:37,592
get crazy up in this piece!
362
00:14:37,593 --> 00:14:40,695
When you're out there,
ask him what the celery meant.
363
00:14:40,696 --> 00:14:43,664
Get busy, princess.
Daddy's got company.
364
00:14:45,867 --> 00:14:49,237
Well, little lady,
I reckon a cowboy'd get used to
365
00:14:49,238 --> 00:14:51,272
a pretty sweet setup like this.
366
00:14:51,273 --> 00:14:53,307
It's a hard life
out on the trails.
367
00:14:53,308 --> 00:14:55,076
Yeah, it's hard
for my people, too,
368
00:14:55,077 --> 00:14:56,444
since you stole all our land
369
00:14:56,445 --> 00:14:59,046
and gave us blankets
covered in smallpox.
370
00:14:59,047 --> 00:15:00,414
I do declare,
371
00:15:00,415 --> 00:15:02,283
I'm sorry
for the disease blankets.
372
00:15:02,284 --> 00:15:04,285
But they did
keep you warm, I bet,
373
00:15:04,286 --> 00:15:06,220
until they killed you, that is.
374
00:15:06,221 --> 00:15:08,289
"I do declare" is not cowboy.
375
00:15:08,290 --> 00:15:09,457
That's Southern Belle.
376
00:15:09,458 --> 00:15:11,559
I think you're looking
for "darn tootin'"
377
00:15:11,560 --> 00:15:12,660
or "dag nab it."
378
00:15:12,661 --> 00:15:14,362
Cowboys did not say "dag nab it."
379
00:15:14,363 --> 00:15:15,596
Yeah, they did.
380
00:15:15,597 --> 00:15:18,899
"Someone done gone stole
my horse, dag nab it."
381
00:15:18,900 --> 00:15:20,735
I think you're thinking "doggone it."
382
00:15:20,736 --> 00:15:22,903
No, "dag nab it"... cowboy.
383
00:15:22,904 --> 00:15:24,805
Do you really think you know
cowboy better than me?
384
00:15:24,806 --> 00:15:26,107
Which one of us has a horse?
385
00:15:26,108 --> 00:15:28,209
Which one of us has assless chaps?
386
00:15:31,413 --> 00:15:33,314
Should I go inside
and help Caroline?
387
00:15:33,315 --> 00:15:36,217
No. I'm sure she's doing just fine.
388
00:15:38,887 --> 00:15:40,354
Can I ask you something?
389
00:15:40,355 --> 00:15:41,722
Sure.
390
00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:45,192
When you put the sss...
391
00:15:45,193 --> 00:15:47,695
we should get on the horse!
392
00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:49,764
- Okay.
- Yeah!
393
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:55,136
Use three-inch lag screw
394
00:15:55,137 --> 00:15:58,239
to secure ledger board
to wall studs
395
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,308
"aboot" every 12 inches.
396
00:16:00,309 --> 00:16:02,710
Ooh! Your canadian voice is so dull,
397
00:16:02,711 --> 00:16:04,612
I can't understand
a word you're saying.
398
00:16:04,613 --> 00:16:08,482
There's got to be a video
with a better voice.
399
00:16:08,483 --> 00:16:12,853
"How to build a Murphy bed... Morgan Freeman."
400
00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:18,459
Interesting bit of information about horses...
401
00:16:18,460 --> 00:16:19,794
they hurt your balls.
402
00:16:19,795 --> 00:16:21,762
Yeah, mine hurt, too.
403
00:16:21,763 --> 00:16:23,264
You would think after all these years
404
00:16:23,265 --> 00:16:25,266
of riding a horse,
man would have evolved
405
00:16:25,267 --> 00:16:27,601
to have his balls on top
instead of underneath.
406
00:16:27,602 --> 00:16:29,170
Life would be so much easier.
407
00:16:29,171 --> 00:16:32,006
Well, yeah, but I don't see
a lot of old-timey ladies
408
00:16:32,007 --> 00:16:35,209
wanting to get
with the top balls.
409
00:16:38,146 --> 00:16:41,015
Are you thinking
about the celery?
410
00:16:41,016 --> 00:16:43,351
No, I'm still thinking about my balls.
411
00:16:45,220 --> 00:16:49,090
Now I'm thinking about the celery.
412
00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:51,292
That was weird, right?
413
00:16:51,293 --> 00:16:55,996
Not weird, really... more, um, intense.
414
00:16:55,997 --> 00:16:59,433
Intense good or intense bad?
415
00:16:59,434 --> 00:17:02,203
Intense intense.
416
00:17:02,204 --> 00:17:03,170
Whoo.
417
00:17:03,171 --> 00:17:06,073
Whoa. Oh. Did I just grab your...
418
00:17:06,074 --> 00:17:08,075
yeah, I don't know.
"Maybly."
419
00:17:08,076 --> 00:17:11,045
"Maybly"!
That's not a word, right?
420
00:17:11,046 --> 00:17:12,947
- I should...
- I got to get down.
421
00:17:12,948 --> 00:17:14,014
Me too.
422
00:17:14,015 --> 00:17:17,218
My balls.
423
00:17:17,219 --> 00:17:19,720
So take your makeup brush,
424
00:17:19,721 --> 00:17:22,423
take your mirror,
and you want to comb
425
00:17:22,424 --> 00:17:24,525
your eyebrows upwards.
426
00:17:24,526 --> 00:17:26,327
What are you doing?
427
00:17:26,328 --> 00:17:27,428
Okay, okay.
428
00:17:27,429 --> 00:17:29,663
I thought I typed in "Morgan Freeman."
429
00:17:29,664 --> 00:17:33,901
But I'm so tired,
what came up was "more gay men""
430
00:17:35,704 --> 00:17:37,938
but this damon guy is a genius.
431
00:17:37,939 --> 00:17:40,007
If he had a video
on how to build a Murphy bed,
432
00:17:40,008 --> 00:17:41,942
it'd already be done.
433
00:17:41,943 --> 00:17:43,377
Wait. Where's Johnny?
434
00:17:43,378 --> 00:17:45,146
What happened?
Did you ask him?
435
00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:46,480
No, he left.
436
00:17:46,481 --> 00:17:47,715
Out the back?
437
00:17:47,716 --> 00:17:50,117
Yeah, it got even weirder.
438
00:17:50,118 --> 00:17:51,585
He grabbed my boob.
439
00:17:51,586 --> 00:17:53,354
Or... he didn't grab my...
440
00:17:53,355 --> 00:17:54,555
he grabbed my boob.
441
00:17:54,556 --> 00:17:55,890
I just don't know
whether it was on purpose.
442
00:17:55,891 --> 00:17:57,525
But I asked,
like you told me to,
443
00:17:57,526 --> 00:17:59,026
and now I have
a weird boob moment
444
00:17:59,027 --> 00:18:01,128
to go with my weird
celery moment.
445
00:18:02,130 --> 00:18:04,432
That is very complicated.
446
00:18:04,433 --> 00:18:06,467
But I'm great
with relationship stuff.
447
00:18:06,468 --> 00:18:08,702
So come on over here,
and we'll hammer it all out
448
00:18:08,703 --> 00:18:10,971
while we hammer this all out.
449
00:18:11,773 --> 00:18:13,207
Come on, this is
where you break down
450
00:18:13,208 --> 00:18:15,209
and finally help me
build the bed.
451
00:18:15,210 --> 00:18:17,945
No, this is where I go
to my already-built bed.
452
00:18:17,946 --> 00:18:20,047
And after Peaches today and...
453
00:18:20,048 --> 00:18:22,450
Whatever that was out there
with my boob,
454
00:18:22,451 --> 00:18:24,785
I'm not showing anyone
my cards anymore...
455
00:18:24,786 --> 00:18:26,253
business or personal.
456
00:18:31,493 --> 00:18:34,261
Go in!
457
00:18:34,262 --> 00:18:36,497
Go in! Oh!
458
00:18:43,451 --> 00:18:45,053
What is happening out here?
459
00:18:45,101 --> 00:18:47,168
That's the kind of pounding
that's supposed to happen
460
00:18:47,169 --> 00:18:49,704
after you're in the bed.
461
00:18:49,705 --> 00:18:51,840
I can't do it.
462
00:18:51,841 --> 00:18:54,976
I tried.
I really did, but I can't.
463
00:18:54,977 --> 00:18:58,013
I guess I can't do anything
without my father's money.
464
00:18:58,014 --> 00:18:59,147
You were right.
465
00:18:59,148 --> 00:19:00,749
Trying is embarrassing.
466
00:19:00,750 --> 00:19:02,317
So I'm not going to try
anymore.
467
00:19:02,318 --> 00:19:03,585
I'm sick of it.
468
00:19:03,586 --> 00:19:06,454
I'm going to sleep on that horrible couch
469
00:19:06,455 --> 00:19:08,323
and get bad tips
and cry
470
00:19:08,324 --> 00:19:11,526
every waitress day
for the rest of my life.
471
00:19:12,728 --> 00:19:15,463
Daddy, please.
472
00:19:15,464 --> 00:19:17,299
God, you're a baby.
473
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:19,868
Okay, I'll help you...
this one time only.
474
00:19:19,869 --> 00:19:21,503
And we're not going
to bond when we do it.
475
00:19:21,504 --> 00:19:23,071
We're not going to high-five
when we finish.
476
00:19:23,072 --> 00:19:24,472
And I don't want to hear
two months from now,
477
00:19:24,473 --> 00:19:26,007
"hey, remember that night
we built the Murphy bed?
478
00:19:26,008 --> 00:19:27,809
That was awesome."
None of that. Got it?
479
00:19:28,844 --> 00:19:29,911
We need the power drill,
480
00:19:29,912 --> 00:19:32,013
1/4-inch bit,
some masonry screws,
481
00:19:32,014 --> 00:19:33,848
and a Bear Claw.
482
00:19:33,849 --> 00:19:36,084
Now delete "eyebrows,"
483
00:19:36,085 --> 00:19:38,353
type in "Murphy bed,"
and let's build this mother.
484
00:19:42,368 --> 00:19:44,035
I can't believe we did it.
485
00:19:44,036 --> 00:19:46,071
Yeah, it looks pretty good.
486
00:19:47,524 --> 00:19:48,492
Oh, Max.
487
00:19:48,515 --> 00:19:51,984
You put the bakery up
on your vision beam.
488
00:19:51,985 --> 00:19:54,920
Say anything more,
and I'll take it down.
489
00:19:56,523 --> 00:19:58,991
Do you know this number?
490
00:19:58,992 --> 00:20:00,192
That's Peach.
491
00:20:00,193 --> 00:20:01,560
- Why would she call you?
- It's about
492
00:20:01,561 --> 00:20:03,629
the cupcake business...
my number's on the card.
493
00:20:05,565 --> 00:20:07,132
Put it on speaker.
494
00:20:07,133 --> 00:20:08,367
Hello?
495
00:20:08,368 --> 00:20:10,169
I found your card
in my baby's room.
496
00:20:10,170 --> 00:20:13,072
I have no idea who you are
or how it got there,
497
00:20:13,073 --> 00:20:15,040
but I'm throwing
a birthday party in a week,
498
00:20:15,041 --> 00:20:16,575
and I thought cupcakes
might be fun.
499
00:20:16,576 --> 00:20:17,977
Oh, they are.
500
00:20:17,978 --> 00:20:19,345
People love cupcakes.
501
00:20:19,346 --> 00:20:21,213
They bring a sense
of whimsy and nostalgia.
502
00:20:21,214 --> 00:20:22,314
That's enough.
503
00:20:22,315 --> 00:20:23,949
Why don't you tell me
504
00:20:23,950 --> 00:20:25,751
some of the other events
you've done?
505
00:20:25,752 --> 00:20:28,254
Oh, well,
we're a start-up company.
506
00:20:28,255 --> 00:20:30,656
Oh, no,
I need a real business.
507
00:20:30,657 --> 00:20:32,358
Bye-bye.
508
00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:35,928
Well, there you go...
complete waste of our time.
509
00:20:35,929 --> 00:20:37,963
See?
Trying is embarrassing.
510
00:20:37,964 --> 00:20:41,433
No. That was great, incredible.
511
00:20:41,434 --> 00:20:43,836
What? She hung up on you.
512
00:20:43,837 --> 00:20:45,704
Yes. But it proves one thing.
513
00:20:45,705 --> 00:20:47,339
The cards... they worked!
514
00:20:47,340 --> 00:20:48,908
This is so inspiring.
515
00:20:48,909 --> 00:20:51,777
First we build a Murphy bed,
next a cupcake business,
516
00:20:51,778 --> 00:20:52,912
then, Max...
517
00:20:52,913 --> 00:20:54,980
Who knows what else?
518
00:21:00,186 --> 00:21:02,021
Uh, adjust the springs?
519
00:21:02,022 --> 00:21:04,723
No, that's perfect.