(birds squawking)
- Have you men noticed
how huge my box looks in these new uniforms?
- Well, that's nice to know.
Now, let's just remember to be careful
about the surrounding land.
- But how did just this block of public housing
remain un-demolished?
Aren't there people living here?
- Hurricane Katrina evacuees.
They're never going to leave.
- What? What are you saying?
- No, I'm just messing with you, buddy.
The only residents who live there are ghosts.
Place is haunted.
They tried to demolish it, but strange accidents
always seem to keep that building standing.
- You kinda sound like you've been
hanging around my daughter lately.
I'm not so much worried about ghosts
just how much your crew drinks on the job. Sober up.
- [Worker] You're the boss.
- I can't believe people would even believe in
something as stupid as-
(gasps)
- Look out, Ted!
- Hey, are you all right, man?
- I'm fine.
I know Jim Adler is your brother-in-law,
but why didn't you move? Huh?
- Did you see it? That girl.
- Huh? What are you talking about?
There's nothing there but poles,
and I don't mean people from Poland.
- But someone was there. She was smiling at me.
- [Worker] Oh, stop it. Stop it!
- [Boss] See what I mean? Drinking.
(upbeat music)
(singing in foreign language)
(spooky music)
- Your dad's in the hospital again?
Have you never heard of Hazelden?
- Shut up.
(Keiichirou screams)
- Dear Lord, I'll pray for him.
- Dad finally got a job working for the government
tearing down public housing
and putting up Starbucks franchises.
(Keiichirou screams)
- Dad!
(ambulance sirens blaring)
- He had an extreme high fever,
and we took him to the emergency room.
But he didn't have insurance yet,
so he had to go to county.
Well, then this intern tells us-
- [Intern] I just started here.
I can't read this chart, but whatever it is,
they wrote a lot.
- Well, I got that loser fired,
and finally found someone who could tell us
what the hell was going on with my dad.
Seems everyone who worked at that one site
came down with a mysterious and deadly high fever.
- The haunted hood projects.
We psychical researchers know about that building well.
It's killed many people in this city.
Your father is probably one of them.
I don't see him making it through this episode alive.
- [Hajime] Oh, good job, Leo.
- [Leo] What? It's in the script.
- Oh no.
- Oh, he's probably just got alcohol poisoning.
He'll be back home and drunk again in no time.
- We have to try to save him.
- If we banish the spirits of the haunted projects,
Illich- I mean your father,
may make it to the closing credits.
Yes! That's a great idea.
I think I'm getting a little stiffy.
- Thank you everyone!
- Just leave it to us.
- So that's where the minorities live.
- I'm going to get beat up, aren't I?
- Probably more like robbed and sodomized.
- What a dump.
- I feel sorry for poor people.
- It looks like the West Bank.
- What are we going to do? We can't get in.
- "Keep out?" That never stopped my people.
- So much for that.
- What? So much for what?
- Never let a sign stop you from illegal activities.
We'll just hop the fence.
- Hey!
It's dangerous. You can't go in there.
Read it. Says so right here.
Keep away.
- Sorry. I can't.
- You have to let us inside, sir.
- Or my dad's gonna die.
- I've already lost a mother.
You know what my therapy bills are?
- Where is your right wing Christianity?
You have to help us.
- Well, if you could put it that way. For Ron Holden.
But it's an old building, and it's dangerous.
Crack addicts, whores, maybe Todd Bridges on skates.
What do I say? You can't go in there.
Get lost. Keep away.
(Keiichirou cries)
- How are we going to break this to Illich?
- Geez. What a jackass.
And did you see the way he was looking at Satsuki?
It almost made me think he was going to be cool.
- The righteous man is rescued from trouble,
says Proverbs 11:8.
Looks like your alcoholic, unsaved father
is going to die. Sorry Satsuki.
- What are we going to do if that guy doesn't let us in?
- Don't worry, Leo. I have a foolproof plan.
We'll all meet back here and bust in tonight.
- Tonight?
- Why are we doing this again?
- Oh, what's going to happen?
Oh, wait a minute. I forgot what show we're doing.
- Yeah.
- What's the matter?
- Hey, wait a minute.
Shouldn't we be able to see
the haunted housing block from here?
- This is not good.
- [Hajime] Guess your dad is good as dead.
- [Momoko] Yes, that's what I said.
- Could we have gone the wrong way?
- Could you possibly be any more of an idiot?
- These people are poor. No streetlamps.
- God rewards the righteous.
That's why me and my family are loaded.
- What the-
Damn she's got big feet.
- They at least dress nice here.
- Satsuki, look over there!
- [Hajime] She's hot.
- Oh no! She's going to kill herself!
- Well, she is poor.
- Yeah!
(intense music)
- Dammit Jim!
- Come on, we're going to have to take the stairs.
- Now I know why poor people bitch all the time.
- I'd hate to be having to be carrying all those babies.
- If they have to take the stairs like this every day,
why are they all so fat?
- I saw "Super Size Me," it's the French fries.
- We need to find someone to call the police.
Although they're probably used to getting calls
like that from this place.
- There! The one that paid their bill.
(tense music)
- Any day now, welfare Willie.
- Go away. What do you want?
- Look, Papa, someone's going to kill herself.
- Hey, did you pay your phone bill?
- Yeah, but I'm stealing my cable.
- We need to stop one of your poor neighbors
from killing herself. Help us please!
- So what?
Those who want to die should be able to if they want to.
- [Hajime] But this chick's hot.
- If I were you, young fellow,
I'd spend less time worrying about her and more about you.
(man cries)
- Perfect, he's gay.
- I did notice he looked at me quite enticingly.
- Probably the Republican mayor of Spokane.
- Come on, if I save her,
there's no way she wouldn't sleep with me.
- Stay here. Momoko, don't let the closet mayor get him.
(dreamy music)
(Satsuki screams)
The poor lady jumped, and our eyes met!
She smiled and she looked right at me!
- Why do you always have to be the center of attention?
- I'm the lead!
- Maybe she just bounced.
- She wasn't that fat.
- Looks like things are picking up around here.
- What are you doing here? Nobody invited you.
- It's dinner time and you didn't feel my dish.
And I'm hungry.
I tried the cabinet, but I'm as good with door knobs
as the aliens and signs.
But this, watching this might be even tastier.
- What do you mean?
- Listen to me, Black Morris.
If you know what's going on here, you better spill.
- You're not very bright, are you Haji?
You've been sucked in by this
good time looking housing project.
- [Momoko] We never found the haunted housing projects.
- [Hajime] Yeah, this place isn't haunted. It's just poor.
- Really? Then check out that place again.
- The light's out!
- I thought for sure he'd lock his door.
(spooky music)
- What is it?
- We know he doesn't have a maid.
I'm glad I'm saved and blessed.
Poor people are disgusting.
- [Hajime] I told you.
- These aren't your normal apartments, kids.
These are the projects of the haunted hood.
You feel me, bitches?
- Yeah I hear you, you stupid cat.
- That woman was just a trap to lure you in.
- We gotta get outta here!
- Dyn-o-mite!
- What the hell is going on?
- This staircase never ends! WTF?
- Look, numbers.
We came from the 11th floor,
and this is making sense to me. And I'm dyslexic.
- You're right, Keiichirou.
- I gotta take five.
- I'm so tired.
- Probably tired from whining all the damn time.
- We can't use the elevator either?
Where our wings as Eagles?
- Keiichirou, will you do it for a scooby snack?
- Can I share something with the class?
- [Satsuki] What?
- Don't you all feel just a little bit different?
Less Jewish, perhaps?
- Just a little tired.
- Leo!
(ominous music)
- The situation has brought him to his knees.
He's accepting Jesus!
- Hallelujah.
- Hey, get up, you stupid jerk. Let's get outta here.
Come on!
- Leo?
- Not giving you mouth to mouth. Get up.
- Not in the spirit.
- He's a little stiff, and not Leo.
Oh my God, Leo's a mannequin!
(intense music)
(Keiichirou cries)
Everyone, stay still.
Change of plans.
(intense music)
(door creaks)
- Hey, that one looks like Kim Cattrall.
- Would you all like to accept Jesus now?
- Sure, sign me up!
- Hajime!
(Hajime screams)
- What the hell are you waiting for?
- Keiichirou!
(Keiichirou screaming)
I can't understand you.
- Dammit, always in the wrong.
- Hajime! Keiichirou!
- [Keiichirou] Satsuki! Satsuki!
- Hajime! Keiichirou!
Hajime? Keiichirou?
- Are you okay?
- What do I do?
My mother's gone, my father, Keiichirou.
We won't-
(Satsuki screams)
- Don't cry, Satsuki.
Maybe, before they were killed,
they had a moment to turn to Jesus.
- [Satsuki] Go to hell.
(Satsuki crying)
- You hear that?
- [Satsuki] What?
(footsteps)
Keiichirou, Hajime?
- Can you not even count? That's only two feet.
I swear, I have to do everything for you stupid kids.
- Could it be Leo?
(man groaning)
(man farts)
You can do it!
- I made it.
- You're saying you believe us?
- Afraid I do, kid.
- Do you believe this place is haunted by the unsaved?
- I guess you're right.
But at first I thought they were
just bitter environmentalists.
- What?
- [Man] The energy of the earth, earth veins.
Hey, put it this way. That ortho (beep) really works.
- Have you never seen the Home and Garden Network?
- You think I can afford cable?
I didn't know what I was doing. I was new on the job.
You kids need to get outta here quick.
- You did this? Well then where is everybody?
Where's my little retarded brother?
- He's here, trapped with the other poor bastards.
I'll take care of it.
- Against my better judgment I'll go with you!
- No, you save yourself! And I'm kind of lonely.
You shouldn't get too close.
- Okay.
- You can change your mind if you want to.
- Just a moment, please.
If you know the ghost's name, wouldn't you please
be kind enough to tell us what it is?
- Soma.
- Well, thanks.
Satsuki, what are you waiting for? Get the diary.
- Right.
August 10, Soma appeared at Bridgit's house.
Apparently this is a rare Feng Shui ghost.
And the earth has varicose veins, like Bridgit. Gross!
In order to make Soma go to spiritual sleep,
you need to make a doll into a spirit receptacle,
and then chant a spell in the middle
of the earth's varicose vein.
But unless you patch up the disturbance,
a new Soma will take its place.
You're kidding me.
That means this is just a temporary fix?
- Sorry, but your mother was just a bitch.
- Come on, you dumb cat.
- Why do I have to go with you?
What are you looking at me for? You didn't even feed me.
Why should I do you a favor?
This little black pussy staying right here.
- Bye!
- Yeah, screw the cat.
- Good luck, chump.
- Let's look for a doll to use as a spirit receptacle.
- Right. But they're poor.
Look for a flour sack, or something with a diaper on it.
- Let's play. Let's play.
Hey. Hey, you there.
(Momoko screams)
(ominous music)
- Found one! It's ugly, but I found it.
Where'd you go? Hello?
Hey, Momoko!
Momoko!
Oh no. She's dead.
(elevator rumbling)
Great. Now you decide to work.
10th floor, hot elementary girl named Satsuki.
Keanu?
Looks like it's you and me, Raggedy Ann.
- Call me Barbie!
- Okay, fine.
- Looks like it's you and me, Barbie.
I'm going fucking crazy.
Ow!
If I had a better bra and some ammo,
I'd pull a bitchin' Sigourney Weaver right now.
Is it fall?
Where's the damn elevator?
Where are you going?
From the goodies. Get in crunch, or munch. Chunk!
Hey, I laugh at your jokes!
Where the hell are you going?
Come on, Ann, we gotta save those idiots.
You guys-
(Satsuki screams)
(intense music)
Hey, Annie, come back!
Bitch, don't pull my hair!
Ow!
Well it's about time!
- Hurry up kid, you can still make it!
You need to get to the root of this problem, and fast.
- Where's my doll?
Annie! Oh, that's gotta hurt.
- Satsuki, look out!
- Watch it.
- Warned you before.
But we'll pick this up later.
Do you know how to put this thing to spiritual sleep?
- Yeah, I'm not here for the gardening lessons, you dope.
- Good, you stand in the face of danger. Chant a spell.
- What are you going to do?
- I'm going to watch your ass.
It's none of your business what I'm going to do!
Now move it, sweet cheeks.
- Bossy. Okay.
- I hate to interrupt your little May-December romance,
but will you please move your ass? Go!
- Double, double, soil and trouble.
Leave me alone, you crappy devil!
(intense music)
I am power!
(spirits scream)
- I can't see. How am I doing?
- Look up there.
- Up where?
- Where are you going?
- I think we both know where I'm going.
- You're going to be the spirit receptacle?
- Well this was all my fault.
So I guess I better pay for it.
And I'm lonely, horny, and don't make a lot of money.
What do I have to live for anyway?
Be glad you're young.
(emotional music)
- That is so nice of you.
Thanks! Mean it!
- I hate this neighborhood.
- Shut up, you racist.
- Oh, guys!
- Someone please give me my diabetes shot.
- Thanks for the help, fluffy.
- Temporary lapse in judgment, honey.
- This reminds me of Heather's.
Remember when Christian Slater had a career?
- We're ready to blow, sir.
- All right, everyone withdraw.
- Sir, yes sir!
- My voice isn't usually this bassy,
but it makes the men respect me more.
- Well, yes there is that.
And that you threatened to urinate on them.
(explosion)
- Now the black, poor people will move to my hood.
(emotional music)
(singing in foreign language)