(low rumbling)
(snow crashing) (jingling)
(wind whistling)
(whimpering)
(singing in foreign language)
(mysterious music)
(bright cheerful music)
- [Leo] I just love your "Grease" Pink Ladies bag.
- I am gonna look so hot snowboarding.
- You're as fat as Queen Latifah.
One-time-cool rapper needs to quit doing
those Pizza Hut VOs.
- She was nominated for an Oscar, you dope!
- She's being punished.
The only royalty is Jesus and Black rap is satanic.
- Why do I have to sit next to her?
- Remember, we drew straws and you lost.
On the way back, Leo gets her.
Can't wait to see the holy war then.
- You drew that straw.
You're the one who's supposed to sit next to Leo.
- Is anyone talking to you?
No!
- Wow!
Look at all the snow! (laughs)
- Praise God.
He's covered the world in the white blanket of holiness.
- The ski area's right around here.
Why aren't there more people?
Is Claudine Longet around?
- Come on!
Let's make a snowman! (groans)
- You okay, little lamb? - I'm good.
- Bitchin' ski resort. - I'm gonna make a snowman-
- So, where are all the hot snow bunnies at?
- And a snowwoman- - I have yet to be thanked
for all the money I saved us by booking on Priceline.
- Thank you. Shut up. - I guess I'll have
to make the snowwoman dead
'cause my mom's dead. - Where the hell
is the driver? (Leo sobbing)
No wonder the tickets were so cheap.
- Hey, isn't it some relative of yours?
- Yeah, but this is from dad's side of the family.
Bunch of degenerate alcoholics.
Hope he hasn't killed someone on the way up here.
- Let me ask you something.
If I slip some cognac into Momoko's thermos,
you think maybe I could just possibly
get her to give me a little cranium?
- Maybe I'll try giving them a call.
Duh.
- I have a cell phone. (phone beeping)
but we're out of range.
- [Satsuki] "I have a cell phone."
Rich Jesus skag. (beeping)
- [Operator] The number you've dialed
is no longer in service.
Hey!
Maybe if they paid their fuckin' phone bill
you could call again!
- Asian trash, can't pay their phone bill.
(jingling) Huh?
What the hell's going on?
(horn honking) (Satsuki gasps)
- Last bus to the skiing area today,
so if you wanna get on before I get off
you better move it.
- [Group] What?
- We've been married about six years now.
- Nobody's talking to you,
just drive the bus, bus driver.
Fucking nosy.
- I mean, I think I'm still a good looking man.
What do you think, sweetheart?
- You're still talking.
Finally.
I was sick of that lonely-ass bus driver.
- [Hajime] He was so fucking nosy.
- [Satsuki] Hello!
- Like Sodom and Gomorrah.
No hospitality.
- Worst trip ever.
- It's not locked or anything.
(ominous music)
(group screaming)
- Lame museum.
- How in the world could someone do that
to God's gentle creatures?
- (coughing) blowjob.
- These must be the priceless possessions
of some wealthy Jewish philanthropist collector.
- A bird and a bear?
I ain't paying for this.
♪ Lame ♪
- I didn't know the hotel had a zoo.
- It's no Madam Tussauds.
- None of those people
look like they're supposed to, either.
- Maybe your friend was the victim
of the dreaded abominable snowwoman of the mountain.
Does anyone else feel a little chill?
I feel cold, and a little watched.
(jingling) (Leo whimpers)
(woman gasps) (Leo screams)
There she is! (group screaming)
- Konnichiwa. - Konnichiwa.
- Konnichi-whatever.
- Konnichi-lingus.
- Hey, wait a minute.
Miyuki?
- Miyuki is my older sister.
I'm her younger, cuter sister, Yuki.
- Oh.
Sorry, all you little yellow people look alike to me,
and African Americans, but not the Mexicans.
Why do you think that is?
I mean, don't you find that just the weirdest thing?
- Not really.
- You don't?
- No, but I do notice something else.
Black men have larger penises
than either Asians or Mexicans do,
and I'm a size queen from the word go,
you know what I'm saying?
- Did I happen to mention how hung I am?
- Romans 1:26.
"God gave them over to shameful lust."
(Hajime groans)
- I'd like to be given over to shameful lust.
- [Momoko] And they shall be white as snow,
except you, you're all heathens.
- [Group] Whoa.
- Now that's a view.
- [Yuki] A view of the Bloodstained Lake. (screams)
- Bloodstained Lake? (Yuki screams)
- Despite it being blue?
- Oh, it may be blue now,
but soon it will be redder than Republican Texas.
I can't even look at it.
See, right now I'm even turning away not looking at it.
- You're weird.
- No, I'm serious, bitch.
I swear to god, blue.
- I have to see something else, to forget.
An extra large black penis, maybe.
- Hmm.
You know, guys, maybe I would've gotten an even better deal
if I would've gone to Orbitz instead of Priceline.
(Keiichirou speaking gibberish)
- We go through this every episode.
- Sometimes travelers tend to hide money
in their hotel rooms
and forget to take it with them when they check out.
Behind the picture?
This picture?
Maybe this vase isn't nailed down.
(door rustling)
(Leo screaming)
- I'd put that down if I were you.
All our furniture and electronics have tracking devices.
I've seen your kind here before, Jew.
- Hello, I'm Reiichirou Miyanoshita's daughter.
- Oh, the ex-lesbian!
I haven't seen you since that funeral
when your little retarded brother
cried the whole time. (laughs)
So, did you find Miyuki all right?
- Never showed up.
Service here sucks.
(phone rings) (Satsuki gasps)
- Love to stay and chat, but there's the phone.
Gotta go!
- Gotta email that awful Great Hotels bitch.
- I hate her.
She's so perky.
- Let's just look at the bright side.
We're gonna save a bundle
on not having to tip any of these losers.
- I never tip maids.
It's their job to clean up.
And I don't recycle towels.
- This is one step above a goddamn Days Inn.
- I'm hung!
- [Keiichirou] Is anyone going to feed me?
- [Satsuki] I think a saw a fruit bowl in the lobby.
Go knock yourself out.
I'm gonna go find a bar.
- [Hajime] After "I Am Sam" eats let's hit the slopes.
- [Group] Cowabunga!
(water bubbling) (thunder rumbling)
- Man, that was awesome. - You ate the head.
- [Hajime] (giggles) Head.
- Thank god there was a Long John Sushi's nearby.
The hotel dining room is way too sketchy.
- I need a nap and some room service.
- Just imagine our good fortune.
You know, this must be the only ski lodge
with an off-season in December.
- Roger that.
I bet there's gonna be a mandatory timeshare meeting soon.
Uh-oh. - What?
- It's my sister, she.
- She what?
- What?
- [Satsuki] What was she, four?
- (laughs sarcastically) That's really funny,
"What was she, four?"
It'd be even funnier if she wasn't dead.
- [Group] Dead?
- Yeah, dead, don't you know, Christian?
- Why?
- I mean, can't you feel it, too?
An evil presence?
- God, shut up, Jennifer Love Hairdo.
- It's the Lord.
I'm so close to his gentle spirit,
I can feel when he's disturbed
over the presence of evil!
- You're right.
We're 10 minutes into the episode and no ghosts yet.
- [Satsuki] Where's the bar?
(Yuki screams)
- Don't do that!
- I can't help it.
Can't you see what's happened to the picture?
The one beside the bunny, asshole!
(group screams)
I know how she died.
- [Satsuki And Momoko] What?
- She was so beautiful and popular,
and then one day, plop!
She just fell into the lake.
Everyone missed her.
They loved her.
Did I tell you she was really popular?
- The blue Bloodstained Lake?
(Hajime screams)
Okay, that is nasty.
- [Satsuki] I have some nail polish that color.
- [Leo] Pantone 106, I believe.
- [Hajime] Shut up, Leo.
- Pantone 107.
Oh, by the way, I might've failed to mention something
about the Bloodstained Lake. (screams)
Sorry about that.
When the lake turns from a beautiful blue to a bloody red,
it means she's coming back to take someone with her
into the spirit world.
- So, she's coming after us?
- That would explain why nobody comes here.
- Maybe it's like Moses turning the sea to blood.
- Well, Mrs. Moses looks like she lost her bonnet.
(Yuki screams)
- It's her hat! (screams)
She was so popular! (sobs)
- We need to check the hell out of here!
Where's the bellboy?
What good are you?
God, you're pissing me off.
(Yuki screams)
- [Leo] I saw a payphone in the hall.
And I don't have any change.
(phone beeping)
(speaking foreign language)
(jingling)
(breathes heavily) (phone beeping)
(jingling) What?
Bells? (jingling)
A cat?
Oh, of course.
Wow, cool boots.
(breathing heavily) (suspenseful music)
Get away from me, you freak! (screams)
(screams)
- [Yuki] (screams) It's her!
- [Satsuki] No solicitors!
Don't you let that bitch in! - Hey!
Don't just stand there, get a chair!
- [Leo] They'll charge us if someone else stays in our room!
- Hey, stupid!
Get me a chair!
- Stay there!
I'll stand very close behind you.
- [Miyuki] Open the door! - I'll help, yeah.
- Well, if you're gonna stand close behind me-
- [Miyuki] Open the door!
Open the door! - Stand closer,
I can't even feel it!
And they wonder why I like Black men!
(Keiichirou speaking gibberish)
- [Miyuki] Open the door! - I feel a very evil presence
in our midst.
(groaning)
- I kept her out.
Thank goodness for Power 90.
- Whatever.
(Hajime sighs)
(Hajime screams)
- Oh my god, I forgot the back door!
Goddammit!
- Wait!
I'll go stand right behind you.
- [Yuki] No, no, no, that's okay, I got it.
- Wait!
Hello?
(creaking)
(door rustling)
The paper.
They could've at least brought it to my room.
Say what?
(door rustling) (Hajime gasps)
(lock clicking)
(Hajime screams)
(Keiichirou screams)
- You don't have any change?
Leo?
- There's no signal on my expensive phone.
- I told you you should've gotten
a friends and family plan.
(banging)
(group screaming)
(bear roaring)
(group screaming)
- This way!
This way to safety!
Come on!
Move your ass!
God!
- Outside in the freezing cold!
Hurry!
(Keiichirou screams)
Man, are you guys out of shape, or what?
- Where's perv?
- Huh?
God finally did it.
He killed him as punishment for his wickedness.
- Maybe my sister got him
and took him into the spirit world.
- What?
- But maybe it's not too late.
If we made peace with this very popular girl
we might just be able to save the poor bastard.
- Screw him, what about me? (jingling)
- Oh yeah, I guess that's a good point.
Hey, hold on a second.
I know, I've got just the thing.
Thank goodness I remembered the bloody picture.
Okay, now you guys chant after me.
I'll tell you what to say, and you repeat exactly.
- [Group] Got it.
- Okay then.
Now, we go with the snow, but not the snow that is yellow.
(group gasping)
See, it's really powerful, and it works.
Okay, everybody, let's hit it.
- Hey, look, here she comes! (Yuki screams)
- [Keiichirou] She's coming.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's coming.
Chant the spell.
- But I can't spell well.
(Leo groaning)
- [Keiichirou] Snow.
O-S-W-N-E?
- Oh, you.
- (gasps) Oh, no.
- Let's do this! - Don't talk,
just shut up and do it!
- Let's hurry up!
I'm freezing my ass off!
- [Group] We go with the snow,
but not the snow that is-
- Stop!
Stop it!
(groans)
Stop it!
- Perv's here.
- (breathing heavily) Don't finish the spell!
- Why the hell not?
It's practically poetry, you jerk.
- Because.
Because the ghost is
her!
- [Group] Wowzers!
- [Keiichirou] Price half Macy's day sale.
- No, you idiot, the other headline!
Yuki Shirogane, age 10, stumbled,
plunged into the lake and died 40 years ago.
(Satsuki gasps)
- [Yuki] They forgot to say popular!
- An old Yuki Shirogane would've gotten away with it, too,
if it wasn't for us meddling kids
and our trusty retarded sidekick, Keiichirou.
I've been waiting five volumes for that joke.
(bell jingling) - there's the damn bell!
- Somewhere an angel just got their wings.
- I was freezing out here.
Go figure, some loser waitress' kid
who fell in the lake 40 years ago
is pinning me for the fall.
What a bitch.
- I was so popular!
Why didn't anyone come for me?
I waited and waited, and no one came.
That really pissed me off.
I got so lonely waiting out there,
and then death, well, that's really lonely.
And so, I (screeches)
I, I really wanna take you with me, Miyuki.
(group screams)
(Miyuki screams)
- This bitch is nuts!
- And ugly as Nicky Hilton!
- [Hajime] I wanted to go to Acapulco.
"Let's go skiiing, let's go skiing!"
(groans) Dammit.
Even New Orleans, AKA Chocolate City,
would be better than this Arctic fuckfest!
Hell, I could've just stayed home
and have a ghost attack me.
This show's so damn predictable!
(Yuki laughing)
- My peepee's cold. - Mine, too!
(Miyuki screaming)
- Get back here!
This is all your fault! (groaning)
(Yuki laughing)
- Come on.
Death isn't so bad, Miyuki.
(Satsuki screaming)
- I hate cold weather. (shivers)
(Yuki laughing) (Satsuki screaming)
(Hajime shivering)
(Yuki laughing)
And I used to think she was hot.
- (gasps) Holy snowball and circle jerk.
That's it!
- What?
- Well, do it! (slow music)
- They forgot popular!
- [Group] We go with the snow,
but not the snow that is yellow.
We go with the snow, but not the snow that is yellow.
We go with the snow- - [Miyuki] Is she dead yet?
(group groaning)
(Yuki screaming)
- [Yuki] I was popular.
(Miyuki gasping)
(group sighs)
- She must be one of God's chosen, like me.
(bell jingling)
- [Miyuki] Do you know how many bathing suits
that damn red lake has ruined for me?
Goddamn fortune.
I mean, I had to wear red suits.
I look awful in red.
- Dear Lord, I just thank you
that I look good in red.
- Where is your mother?
- Oh, my mother's at a relative's place.
She sent me to collect.
Your card was denied.
- We're not paying!
- "My mother's at a relative's place."
I hate her.
- I'm gonna write William Shatner
and Priceline a nasty letter.
- Here it is, a waitress at this sketchy inn
abandoned her child here and disappeared.
The girl was always waiting for her mother to return,
but she never did.
They found her blue and purple bloated carcass
of a body holding a soggy crust of bread
at the bottom of the lake.
They took her out with fishhooks.
- Did I leave the iron on?
- Speaking of William Shatner,
did you hear that he sold his kidney stone for 25 grand?
And he gave the cash to Habitat for Humanity.
So, some Trekkie just built a poor person a house
- [Group] Ah.
- This is so gay.
(bell jingling)
- [Group] Blah!
(singing in foreign language)
♪ I miss you, I miss you ♪
♪ I need you, I need you ♪
♪ Sexy, sexy ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Sexy, sexy ♪
(static whirring)
(muffled speaking)
- [Mysterious Voice] You're all going to die.