(static whooshing)
(clock tower chiming)
- All right, everybody.
It's 4:30.
School is finally over.
Time to go home, load up that bong
and watch "Pokemon", not!
Wow, I feel just like Christian Slater
in "Pump Up The Volume".
Oh, remember when Christian Slater had a career?
Well, enough about deadbeat actors.
This is Suzie Haang signing off.
- [Yayoi] And clear.
Green apple martinis? - Yeah.
- [Mysterious Voice] You'll die.
- [Girls] What?
- [Mysterious Voice] You'll pay.
- Wait, are you talking to me or her?
- [Mysterious Voice] 10, nine, eight, seven,
six, five,
three, two.
(girl screaming) (ominous music)
(singing in foreign language) (upbeat music)
(ominous music)
- Whoever took Mimi's lunch, please give it back,
without boogers in it this time!
(kids chattering)
All right, I've gotta fill in for the junior today show.
Try not to choke on your food.
The nurse isn't outta rehab yet.
(kids chattering)
(boy groans)
- Hey, what's the big idea?
- You eat those, and I give the panties back, I promise.
- All right.
- Doesn't it seem a little quiet today?
- It was until you opened your big mouth.
- I believe she's referring
to the school's imposed radio silence.
- God, what a fag.
(ominous music)
- Because the broadcast students are all out sick today,
I'll be filling in.
Welcome to the Nooner with Bobby Matsushima.
I'm your host, Bobby Matsushima.
Let's start off lunch with a bang.
- This teacher needs to get laid more than you do, Leo.
- You're right.
- Oh yeah, bang me till I'm screamin'
by raging horny pussy sluts.
Oh, this is perfect.
Oh, and just enough time to fit in a douche.
Oh no!
Lock's a little dicey.
Better not use this room.
- Are you sure?
- Mm-hm, she fell unconscious after her broadcast yesterday.
If Christian Slater was filming "Cheaper by the Dozen: 6",
I'd suspect him.
Steve Martin, I forgive
because at least he uses his stuck up paychecks
to pay the bills while he writes well-received novellas,
but Eugene Levy's just a Jew.
- But you're Jew, Leo.
- I know, but this looks like the work
of another bitter ghost.
- Don't do that.
- Radio jocks are drug addicts.
She probably just OD'd.
- This school needs Sirius, I'm serious
- Where is Annie Apacelot.
- Leave me alone.
I'm doing my standard anime elbows-up pose.
- [Mr. Sakata] Miyanoshita.
- Hey, Teach.
- Miss Matsu wants me.
I mean, Miss Matsushima needs a little favor.
- No, please kill me.
What, you want me to do the broadcast?
- Say, weren't you like the little,
but less fiscally aggressive Katie Couric
at your previous school?
- I prefer to think of myself as Michelle Norris.
- Good, then you can do the broadcast
so I can get my brains banged out by Mr. Sakata
before third period.
I mean, Mr. Sakata and I
have a very private teacher-teacher conference
we have to do this afternoon.
- Oh wow.
I can't even comprehend how inappropriate this is.
- [Yayoi] Where's the DJ nerd?
- Oh, who knows?
I was giving you an F on that terrible term paper you did
when she came in complaining of cramps.
I tried to be consoling, but I really don't like her.
If her mother didn't tell her
what a fucking bitch blood and pain is every month,
it ain't my goddamn problem.
- I'll do the broadcast
if you never talk to me again please.
- Good girl.
You keep sucking up like this
and I'll make you valedictorian.
Harvard's in the bag.
- Okay, but I want prime time next year, got it?
- Good, I've got a hot load with my name on it.
- [Hajime] Sakata's bangin' the living fuck
outta Matsushima.
- Are you gonna take video for me?
Hey, did my sister go too?
- No, dude, I don't think they invited her.
- Gee.
- [Momoko] Blessings be.
- [Keiichiro] Boy, have you guys missed everything.
- [Leo] Hey, where's your sister, Keiichiro?
- Well, one thing's for sure,
she's not getting the living fuck banged out of her
by Mr. Sakata.
- What? - What?
- They're poisoning his mind.
- [Hajime] What are you really here for?
- Well, we heard from the others in the broadcast club.
Yayoi called everyone last night and said-
- Don't go into the broadcast booth, no matter what you do.
Okay, good night and good luck.
- I'm feeling an immense sense of evil emanating
from the liberal broadcasting studio.
- Oh. - Oh.
- What a surprise.
- I saw you beating off the other day, tiny,
or should I say speedy?
Anywho, looks like a ghost showed up.
- Power, how hard can this be?
All means it broadcasts to all the school
and laid means I'm horny.
I've explained it six times and Sakata's waiting.
Do you have this down yet?
- Yes.
- [Miss Matsushima] At 4:30, hit all.
Got it?
Ooh, that reminds me.
I've got something hard and bent waiting for me.
- God, you're making me sick.
- One day you'll understand the benefits of a good curve.
- Go!
- [Miss Matsushima] God, I hope Sakata's curves hard left.
That hits my spot like you won't believe.
- [Satsuki] Get out!
- Oh, this is not happening.
That was a close one.
I thought I was gonna have to have you do me
for a second there.
Or at least have a moment alone with that mic.
- Bye!
- [Hajime] Like the ugly chick fired
from the weather channel.
- Exactly, just another bitter newscaster.
But this one happened to die of a heart attack
in the middle of her broadcast.
Why can't that happen to Carson Daly?
After that, it's said
that you can hear her sometimes through the speakers.
Probably still trying to finish her broadcast.
I mean, do we really need another Clearasil commercial
on this campus?
Wash your face, for God's sake.
Well, where was I?
Oh yeah, rumor has it
if you hear Akane's voice, you're dead by sunset.
- This is Satsuki Miyanoshita
with this late breaking news update.
- [Amanojaku] Somehow she's back on the air.
Stay tuned.
- [Satsuki] Homeroom teacher, Mr. Sakata has herpes.
- Guess, she was just testing her powers,
giving those kids a fever.
(suspenseful music)
God, you are four
of the ugliest fucking kids I have ever had the misfortune
of laying my eyes on.
I can't wait for this bitch to kill you.
- Leo, when the hell do they go off the air?
- Right before Pokemon, duh!
- None of this would happen
if they would hear "Focus on the Family",
"The Old-Time Gospel Hour"
and Jars of Clay.
- [Hajime] This'll be worse
than John Stossel's "20/20" segments!
- Will he ever trim that mustache.
- Another "Lost" cast member is arrested for DUI.
Satsuki Miyanoshita, reporting.
(kids gasping)
♪ We've got the power ♪
- [Miss Matsushima] He gets an A on size
but a D in endurance.
- [Satsuki] And the hottest newscaster
of the year is Satsuki Miyanoshita.
- Good thing I work out so much at 24.
- [Satsuki] (speaking in foreign language) on!
- Don't work out enough.
Satsuki, open up!
I do more cardio than circuit.
- Satsuki, Satsuki!
- [Momoko] Satsuki, stop!
(clock ticks)
(bells chiming)
(kids gasping)
- Our president is an idiot and a liar.
God bless America, land of free speech!
And while I'm on it,
that fat-faced doughboy Scott McClelland
is going straight to hell
and will Clarence Thomas ever speak?
- [Eerie Voice] Everyone is going to die.
- Ah, I heard it!
I'm gonna die.
- [Eerie Voice] Does (indistinct).
You'll die.
- What?
- [Eerie Voice] Not a single person can get away.
No one, I mean not anybody, get me?
Is this thing working?
(suspenseful music)
(Satsuki gasping)
(Hajime groaning)
- Okay, Leo, you're not helping.
- So erotic.
- If we don't play FCC and cut her off,
we're all gonna die.
- Leo, when will the sun go down on me?
- Oh now you respect my scientific abilities!
Holy crap, we have less than 30 minutes.
- Tell me, don't make it so complicated.
(Satsuki gasping)
(dramatic music)
- [Hajime] Run, Satsuki, run
from yet another Japanese horror movie knockoff, run!
- [Leo] I know, we've done "The Ring"
like four or five times.
- [Miss Matsushima] What the hell is she doing?
- Finally, a teacher.
- What is she doing with her voice?
- If you're not too tired
could you let us in?
- Do not even go there, junior,
and let me put it to you this way,
I woulda had more fun with the mic.
- Listen, a dirty slut like you will be the first
to burn in hell if we don't stop that ghost.
- What?
(Satsuki gasping)
(static buzzing)
- [Mysterious Voice] I shouldn't have been
the only one to die.
(static buzzing)
Everyone should've died with me.
- This school is haunted.
If you wouldn't have been sucking off Mr. Sakata,
you might have noticed.
- Two words for ya, kid, minute man.
- The least you could have done was to invite my sister.
(boy crying)
To have sex with you and Mr. Sakata!
Now she'll die a virgin and I'll die a virgin.
- [Amanojaku] Will someone shut him up!
- [Keiichiro] Whatever that is.
- Getting a (indistinct).
Oh, I saw you and the teacher too.
Nice job.
- Oh my God.
Oh my God, that cat is talking.
- Oh boy, does he ever.
How do we put this hellish Howard Stern to sleep, cat?
- I know, but I'm not telling.
(Hajime squeals)
- So you don't care
if all of us get killed?
- You filthy, furry spawn of Satan.
Goddamn you to hell.
- Well, not gonna.
- Why you-
You know what?
I'll bet you really don't know how to, do ya?
I mean, you use a litter box.
How smart could you be anyway?
- Very smart.
- And you lick your own ass.
- Oh I do not!
Yeah, I do, it feels pretty good.
Okay, I guess it wouldn't kill me to give you a little hint.
If I wanted to find out about Akane,
I might just take a little recess over
to the old school house.
- [Leo] He's right.
- Of course.
We have to go there every episode.
Hey, teach.
Hello?
- What?
- [Hajime] Oh, God, stop thinking about Sakata's whack stick
and help up!
- I hear you're pretty good with knobs.
- Too good, apparently.
(static buzzing)
(Satsuki gasping)
(Akane muttering)
- Well look what the cat dragged in.
- I'd have been here too if I had four legs.
- Note exhibit A, Akane was trapped in that microphone
but after a long time, it rusted, rotted and broke.
Kind of reminds me of the last Rolling Stones CD.
"A Bigger Bang", really?
That's what we're calling it?
Where's your Metamucil sponsorship.
- [Leo] We fix the mic,
we'll be able to stop this nasty newscaster.
- I thought you were the smart one.
She's not a dog you can put back in a cage.
Hang on kids.
These ears are really good antenna.
We now return to our regularly scheduled program.
(Satsuki screaming)
- I know that voice!
(static buzzing)
- [Akane] Now that's better.
- [Satsuki] Have I waited long enough?
Yeah, probably.
The ghost diary!
- [Akane] The sun is setting.
Down for you all today.
- [Satsuki] I used to have my hair just like that.
God, why didn't anybody tell me how awful it made me look?
(suspenseful music)
- [Akane] Five more minutes and I'll ruin your day.
- I've cleaned your litter box for weeks,
won't you please help me, please!
- Oh, knock it off, help us!
- [Amanojaku] No.
- [Hajime] You ass!
- [Akane] You're listening to the (indistinct) radio.
You're gonna die.
- Do something!
Pray to God!
- [Akane] Everyone will die.
- Hey!
Cut it out.
I haven't been in band for years.
- God, you're dense.
- Give it to Leo.
He's still a nerd.
- [Leo] Hey!
- Play it, they use those tones
to end a broadcast in Japan, apparently.
I don't know.
- She's right.
We play station manager and we end the broadcast.
- [Hajime] Big nerd.
- I may be a nerd but you're a idiot.
Listen closely, the script so far
isn't making any sense to anyone working on this show
so here's what we got, I think.
Somehow, we use this tone thingy to end her broadcast
and we all live happily ever after.
- [Momoko] Devil cat, did you give us
this musical instrument to help us?
- No, I just gave it to you because I love the xylophone.
- Let's go!
- You know, you're not such a bad cat.
- Sure, don't thank me yet.
I didn't give you the whole story.
Oh, well.
(ominous music)
- [Satsuki] Her posture's just terrible.
I wonder if she has scoliosis.
Poor little thing.
(Satsuki screaming)
- 29, 28, 27, 26...
- [Satsuki] Now I have scoliosis.
- 25, 23, 22,
21, 20, 19.
- [Satsuki] This bitch can't count?
- 17, 16, 15, 13, 12, 11...
- [Satsuki] Uh-uh!
- [Akane] Let's see.
- [Satsuki] Uh-uh!
- [Akane] Oh my, definitely a 10.
- [Satsuki] A math-deficient lesbian with scoliosis.
What is it with me and lesbians!
It's the jacket.
I need a makeover.
- It's locked.
- [Miss Matsushima] Get back!
- [Satsuki] She has got to work on her foreplay!
Four, that's it!
She's skipping fours!
- [Akane] Two, one.
(suspenseful music)
- Four!
Not, like golf, you stupid bitch.
F-O-U-R, four, four, four!
Four, four, 14, 474, four, 14, four, 54!
(bell chimes)
(ghost cackling)
(boy crying)
Learn to count.
- God come through once again.
- Could we have just sung the national anthem?
- [Miss Matsushima] Ow!
- What's with you?
- That was the most excitement I've had all day, yeah.
What?
On June 15th, I put the evil yet,
somehow alluring Akane, to spiritual sleep.
I asked her what she was looking at me like that for
and she started screaming.
At first I thought she thought I was ugly
but then I just realized she hated the number four.
I chanted four until she was dead.
Then I realized I could've just played those damn four notes
and saved myself a lotta grief.
If this is yours, I'm afraid I'm going
to have to take back that Harvard offer.
- It's my mom's.
- Well, that explains your painfully unattractive looks
and your lackluster scholastic performance
and your unfortunate brother.
- Bitch.
- Man, that chick better not.
Miss Matsushima!
I heard about this liberal-like broadcast.
You're not going NPR on me, are ya?
- Me, never.
- Good, I was afraid we wouldn't hook up again.
Most of the teachers in this school are Dobermans
but you're my librarian fantasy made flesh.
I mean, I respect your teaching ethic.
What the hell happened to the door knob?
- You left me a little frustrated.
(kids giggling)
Love to stay, but I'm late
for meeting Miss Hadley for a massage and drinks.
- Hey, wait, I thought-
Damn it Hadley, you cock blocked me.
(peaceful music)
- Maybe I've underestimated
this spunky little redhead chick after all.
(upbeat rock music) (singing in Japanese)
♪ I miss you, I miss you ♪
♪ I need you, I need you ♪
♪ Sexy, sexy ♪
♪ Come back, come back, come back ♪
♪ Sexy, sexy ♪
- [Satsuki] Take it, oh yeah!
Take it, come on, baby.
I'll give you head if you want head.
Ooh yeah.
Take it, take it, take it!