(thunder rumbling)
(lightning crackles)
(fire whooshing)
(singing in Japanese) (upbeat music)
- [Keiichiro] Dad, Dad, can't breathe.
- Sorry, son.
I'm just a little tense today.
- The only good thing about these memorial services
is I get a bitchin' new black outfit.
- Can't wait until I'm remarried
and I can quit going to these stupid things.
- [Amanojaku] I'm hungry.
- So?
- I like to think of this as the day we lost a mother,
but we gained a cat.
- Well, I like to think of this as the day we became
the typical WB sitcom family with a dead mother.
- I kinda hope Kaya's possessed forever.
- Huh?
- So far I've killed my frog, two gerbils,
16 goldfish, a schnauzer and a dachshund.
This is the only bastard that survived me.
- I wish we could say the same thing
about our little sister, Carrie.
- Good kitty, I hope I never kill you.
- Isn't this sweet?
I'm starting to like you.
This must be the last and touching episode.
- [Satsuki] Now that's more like it.
- [Momoko] So today's the day
of your mother's anniversary memorial service.
- [Satsuki] A lesson in modern perversion.
- So is my mother really in heaven, Momoko?
- Yes, but you have yet to embrace your savior
so it's the flames of eternal damnation for you.
I, on the other hand, we have a palace of gold in heaven.
- Is that the deal?
- The black crows!
- Adam Duritz.
- Hey, holy shades of Hitchcock!
- [Satsuki] Can I be Tippi Hedren?
- At least we're not ripping off "The Ring" again.
- [Leo] Hey!
- Leo?
- There's some weird red fog at the school
and I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance
by switching to Geico.
- You're high again.
- I'm not high.
- Strike the pose.
- There were some really weird smoke and that reminds me,
you owe me for half of that bag.
I didn't forget.
- You still haven't reimbursed me for the swag I got you.
- Hey look, the air is bleeding.
(kids gasping)
- Sometimes all I need is the air that I bleed.
Hey, aren't those the people in our class?
- I think so.
- [Satsuki] Hey, what the fuck are you doing?
- [Hajime] Mr. Sakata!
Everyone in the cast, not a good sign.
- [] I never noticed how buff he is.
- Satsuki, no!
(eerie music)
Do you hear that?
They're calling you, Satsuki.
- [Satsuki] No, they're not dammit.
I can't let 'em all die.
- [Keiichiro] I would!
- Come on Leo.
- No, all right.
- [Keiichiro] It's the last episode,
you'd think they'd help us.
- It's the last episode.
Why should they care?
- Satsuki, Keiichiro, something's going on.
- It must be some kind of barrier field.
- [Hajime] Leo, what's happening.
- [Leo] I told you!
- [Amanojaku] They just never get any smarter.
- [Momoko] Satan spawn, what's happening?
Tell us!
- Oh, fuck me.
Every ghost in the series is making a cameo
to kill those two.
If these kids ruin me getting my powers back,
I am gonna be so pissed off.
- Hey!
- [Amanojaku] You'll hurt your limp wrists, Nancy.
They're in a barrier field, you idiot.
- Yeah, that's what I told him.
- Satsuki, look out!
- [Keiichiro] It's the last episode,
do you think I'm gonna die?
- [Momoko] Satsuki!
- No sequel.
Your chances don't look good.
(boy crying)
Let's get this over with.
(eerie music)
(steam whooshing)
- Say, ancient Chinese secret.
(knife banging)
- What's up?
Misono, Aiya, Chow-Yun Fat.
What are you doing here with knives,
coming closer to me?
(girl screaming)
- [Keiichiro] Satsuki!
Put her down!
I'll hit you in the nuts.
- [Satsuki] Good suggestion!
(kids gasping)
- Gotta quit smoking.
(ghost cackling)
(kids screaming)
- This is no time for you to be doing your pilates.
- [Hajime] Move, Mother Mary!
- [Momoko] Heathen!
- That hurt.
- Barrier field.
- Oh just stop.
If it's my old buddy, Ouma who's back in town,
you kids sure can't get in with a hammer.
- Why thank you.
Who?
- He's very upset
with Satsuki and Keiichiro's bull dyke mother
so he's making them pay for his slumber.
- What's happening?
- Uh oh!
(dirt rumbling)
- Oh no you guys, it's a deadly earthquake.
- No sign of Charlton Heston either.
What? Nothing?
Nevermind!
You kids go home and get "Earthquake" on Netflix.
- A documentary?
- Netflix is so expensive.
- We have to go in and help them.
- Hey, how about no.
(kids groaning)
- [Momoko] Oh, just stop it.
- She doesn't look fat.
- What are you two waiting for?
- Our boners to go down. - Our boners to go down.
- What the hell is Funikuro doing back?
(suspenseful music)
- Mrs. Brolin!
(shoes thudding)
(girl screams)
- I know that obnoxious voice anywhere.
Come on!
(kids gasping)
- What is that thing?
- It's either the toilet ghost from ep two
or Reed Richards!
Hang on, I see a rolled-down door
we've never used before.
(bright music)
- Where is your God?
- [Momoko] He can't hear you!
(Leo shouts)
- What kind of supernatural phenomenon is this, what?
- Hey, how about we stand here and stare at it some more?
(kids screaming)
(ghosts groaning)
Shades of "Spirited Away".
- [Leo] Right.
- [Satsuki] Did you say Ouma or Oprah?
- It seems like he's trying to exact his revenge
for being put to spiritual sleep by your mother.
- Prick!
- Here it is.
Ouma, apparently this Ouma jerk-off is a demon
who's quite pissed off at me and my family
and wants to make us pay for putting him
and a bunch of other really unattractive ghosts
to spiritual sleep.
Listen, if we get out of this alive,
I want you all
to fact check every single piece of this book.
I mean it.
She better not have made up one word or exaggerated anything
because when I go on Oprah to sell this fucker,
I don't wanna be called back in a week to be berated
by that holier-than-thou bazillionaire.
You got me?
I mean, I think Fry's an asshole too,
but you think Winfrey never gilded the lily?
She's in the media for God's sake and she did coke.
- So this hell-beast Ouma has resurrected
and is now controlling all of these ghosts.
- [Hajime] Ouma, Oprah, Ouma, Oprah.
- What am I saying?
Knock it off.
She's more powerful than any demon, love Oprah.
(speaking in foreign language)
- We need a lotta shit.
Gotta lay our hands on some torches,
some matches to light it with
and a big bell with a 98-pound clapper
that has been used in 20 years?
Holy Mohammad with a missile.
This is worse than "Supermarket Sweep", no torches.
- [Hajime] And no bell, ya ding dong.
- We do have a bell.
It's just not on us.
It's above us in the tower.
- Hells bells.
(kids screaming)
(ghost cackling)
- No spiritual powers, eh?
What a bunch of pussies
and you know what I do with pussies!
Well, if they're clean, I'm pretty good at oral,
but that's another story!
(girl screams)
What?
- What are you standing there for?
Move your ass!
I learned this from Jessica Alba in "Fantastic Four".
- She's hot, movie sucked.
- Maybe, but I could work that ass till the morning time.
You know what I'm talking about, sister?
(cat laughs)
- You son of a bitch.
What do you think you're doing?
- Why don't you just take a flying fuck outta here
and leave me and my little friends alone,
you big, stupid, ugly rock head?
- You're getting soft in your little cat suit.
I bet you're starting to like these flesh bags.
How about you take off your fur coat
and let's get down to business.
- Well, if I wasn't trapped in this cat suit,
I might take you up on your enticing little offer, jackass.
- I can tell you're lying
but if you wanna fight me on all fours,
I'm not opposed to neutering your new form.
(ghost roars)
- Big, slow, and stupid, like usual.
There!
- God damn colored contacts.
(cat shrieks)
Goodbye, kitty.
- Oh God, that hurt.
I haven't felt this bad since Star Jones' wedding.
I got a new gay husband.
(door creaks)
- [Leo] Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for thee!
Is it just me, or does this look amazingly
like Madonna's "Express Yourself" video?
- [Satsuki] Don't go for second best.
Look for torches!
- [Hajime] Yes ma'am.
- You should pray.
Pray real fast!
- Thank God they've got these torches up here.
It's like, they were just here waiting for us.
- Shut up.
(ghost growling)
(ghost roars)
(kids screaming)
- But Kaya!
- I'm sorry, what?
When are they even gonna start subtitling what you say?
I can only assume that you're asking about your cat,
and if that's the case, he's waiting for the taxidermist.
- We did subtitles last ep!
- Yeah!
- I'm made of rock.
- [Kids] Oh yeah.
- Any day now, Satsuki.
Hey, stupid!
(ghost screaming)
(bell rings)
- The Taco Bell.
What's that?
- Looks like Krakatoa, you stupid (indistinct).
That's my power!
- Oh, get up.
- Game over, game over, man.
- Hey girly, my eyes are up here.
- Why am I doing this?
It's not fate or my character arc.
Oh, well, I'm getting paid for this.
Just better read the script.
It's a livin'.
(cat hisses)
(kid gasping)
- Hello!
- [Amanojaku] Gangway, move aside.
- Kaya, you're still alive, and green.
- Someone needs to give serious thought to a pedicure
and Odor Eaters.
- Amanojaku.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
All of a sudden I'm a big softie,
but it's these kinds of scenes
that Golden Globes are made up,
that Foreign Press Corps and Academy voters
eat this sentimental shit up.
I'm a whore.
- Oh Kaya!
- I'm not Kaya, I'm the great Amanojaku
and I do my own stunts.
(ghost growling)
No, no!
Thank God, Batman.
(kids screaming)
- (indistinct) what's happened to them?
- [Keiichiro] Another pet gone!
- I gotta hand it to him.
I'm a tough son of a bitch
and that scene almost moved me to tears.
- Fag.
Butch it up and get the torches.
It's one thing to mess with me.
It's one thing to pick on my little brother and my friends,
but don't fuck with my cat!
- He's not dead yet!
- When are they ever?
- [Satsuki] He killed my cat.
I haven't eaten all day.
Kinda dizzy.
Steady, Satsuki, you can this.
- What time is it? - Oh, end this.
- Mum!
- [Kayako] Satsuki!
Kick his ass!
- Damn it, I'm a butch motherfucker.
(speaking in foreign language)
- About time.
- Oh evil demon spirit who's made of rock,
how 'bout you back the hell off and just suck my cock!
- You little bitch.
I'd go all (indistinct).
- Listen buddy, I've been rethinkin'.
A lead character's death scene should last longer.
Work with me on this.
(bell rings)
(demon groaning)
- Hey Rocky, still waitin' for my metaphorical blowjob here!
Yeah, choke on it!
(ghost screaming)
- [Amanojaku] A bell, please.
- [Keiichiro] Oh, poor Satsuki.
- [Hajime] Drama.
- [Leo] Queen.
(earth rumbling)
- Did I just screw all these kids?
(wind whooshing)
- Look, dead cat.
Fucking A!
- [Kids] What?
- [Leo] Bashed, bloody, but still breathing.
- Oh man.
I hope the People for the Ethical treatment of Animals
never find out how we've totally fucked this cat.
- I think we're gonna be okay
as long as Chrissy Hine doesn't hear about it.
- Hey Momoko, let me ask you something.
If Kayo would've died,
do you think his little spirit would've gone to heaven?
- That's a good question, Keiichiro.
Some Christians believe there are dogs and cats in heaven,
but I don't think so.
(kid cries)
A feline Lazarus!
- That's one resilient pussy. - Happy ending.
- Glad to have you back, Kaya.
- [Kids] Huh?
- Hey, where's my talking cat?
- A sound effect.
- The real Kaya.
- So Amanojaku's gone?
- God, in His infinite mercy, has taken Amanojaku
into his loving, forgiving, bosom.
- Well, your God sucks and he's mean!
I want a cat that talks!
(kid crying)
(melancholy music)
- [Satsuki] Wish we had the budget
for some really savvy pop song
to go over this montage, but, well,
we ain't "Lost" or "Grey's Anatomy".
Okay, here it goes with the lame score.
Keiichiro never did get his cat that talked,
Dad wouldn't get another pet after we've killed so many.
- So if there's one guy and four hookers,
how many years in prison?
- [Satsuki] Mr. Sakata was arrested for feeling up Aya.
Leo replaced Hajime's lube with superglue
and, well, haven't heard much from Hajime after that,
since his voice changed.
- [Hajime] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She's dead, can we go now?
- [Satsuki] Don't talk to Momoko anymore.
- Where's your brother?
He hasn't fallen into an open grave, has he?
- [Satsuki] Goddammit.
- If I've lost him again,
child services are gonna screw me.
- Okay.
- [Reiichirou] Hurry up, this suit's a rental.
- Tight ass!
(birds chirping)
There you are, depressing service, huh?
How you doing?
- Better, the doctor upped my dosage.
I feel the Paxil has given me a zen-like clarity somehow.
(wind whooshing)
(kids screaming)
(suspenseful music)
- What the hell?
That's it?
Show's over.
(cat meows)
- Hey, white daffodils!
(kids laughing)
- [Amanojaku] I'd like to thank my agent, my manager,
Steven Foster, for writing such a gay friendly,
but still mainstream script,
that spoke to the...
(singing in foreign language) (upbeat music)
♪ I miss you, I miss you ♪
♪ I need you, I need you ♪
♪ Sexy, sexy ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Come back, come back, come back ♪
(singing in foreign language)
♪ Sexy, sexy ♪