1 00:00:44,455 --> 00:00:47,607 "Notwithstanding the provisions of subsection 3, section A, 2 00:00:47,775 --> 00:00:52,405 clause 214 of the Administrative Procedures Scotland Act 1978, 3 00:00:52,975 --> 00:00:57,810 insofaras the implementation of the statutory provisions is concerned, 4 00:00:57,975 --> 00:01:01,490 the resolution of anomalies as between departments 5 00:01:01,655 --> 00:01:05,409 shall fall within the purview of the MinisterforAdministrative Affairs". 6 00:01:05,575 --> 00:01:06,849 What does it mean? 7 00:01:07,055 --> 00:01:09,615 - I'm sorry? - What does it mean? 8 00:01:09,855 --> 00:01:11,447 Oh, er, well, Minister, 9 00:01:11,615 --> 00:01:15,085 it means "notwithstanding the provisions of..." 10 00:01:15,255 --> 00:01:17,928 I've just read it to you. What does it mean? 11 00:01:18,095 --> 00:01:20,325 What it says, Minister. May I remind you, 12 00:01:20,495 --> 00:01:23,487 you are seeing a deputation from the TUC in 15 minutes, 13 00:01:23,815 --> 00:01:26,932 from the CBI afterthat, and from the NEB at 12 noon. 14 00:01:27,095 --> 00:01:30,531 - What do they all want? - They're all worried about machinery. 15 00:01:30,695 --> 00:01:33,209 Yes, for inflation, deflation and reflation. 16 00:01:33,375 --> 00:01:34,728 What do they think I am, 17 00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:37,614 a Ministerof the Crown ora bicycle pump? 18 00:01:37,975 --> 00:01:40,569 When am I going to do all this correspondence? 19 00:01:40,735 --> 00:01:43,647 You do realise you don't actually have to. 20 00:01:43,815 --> 00:01:46,932 - Don't I? - We can draft an official reply. 21 00:01:47,455 --> 00:01:48,455 What's that? 22 00:01:48,615 --> 00:01:50,731 "The Ministerthanks you forthe letter". 23 00:01:50,895 --> 00:01:54,171 Then we say: "The matter is underconsideration". 24 00:01:54,335 --> 00:01:57,008 Oreven, "underactive consideration". 25 00:01:57,615 --> 00:01:59,048 What's the difference? 26 00:01:59,215 --> 00:02:02,252 "Underconsideration" means we've lost the file, 27 00:02:02,415 --> 00:02:06,044 "Underactive consideration" means we're trying to find it. 28 00:02:06,735 --> 00:02:10,569 You just transferall the letters to yourOut Tray, 29 00:02:10,735 --> 00:02:13,044 put a note if you wish to see the reply 30 00:02:13,215 --> 00:02:15,934 and if you don't, you neversee it again. 31 00:02:16,295 --> 00:02:20,652 If I transfereverything from here to here, without even reading it, 32 00:02:20,815 --> 00:02:22,806 - that's all I have to do? - Yes. 33 00:02:22,975 --> 00:02:24,488 - Itwill be dealtwith? - Precisely. 34 00:02:24,655 --> 00:02:26,247 - Properly? - Immaculately. 35 00:02:26,415 --> 00:02:28,371 What's the Minister here forthen? 36 00:02:28,855 --> 00:02:32,450 Er... to make policy decisions, Minister. 37 00:02:32,615 --> 00:02:35,175 When you've decided the policy, we can carry it out. 38 00:02:35,335 --> 00:02:37,132 How often are policy decisions needed? 39 00:02:37,855 --> 00:02:39,254 From time to time. 40 00:02:39,415 --> 00:02:41,565 Bernard, this government is here to govern. 41 00:02:41,735 --> 00:02:44,124 Not merely preside like ourpredecessors did. 42 00:02:44,815 --> 00:02:47,568 When a country is going downhill, it's time forsomeone 43 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:52,172 to get into the driving seat, put his foot on the accelerator. 44 00:02:52,375 --> 00:02:54,013 I think you mean the brake. 45 00:02:56,855 --> 00:03:00,530 - Ah, Humphrey. - A moment of yourtime, Minister. 46 00:03:02,375 --> 00:03:05,845 "The official visit to the UK of the President of Buranda". 47 00:03:06,015 --> 00:03:07,243 Where's Buranda? 48 00:03:07,415 --> 00:03:09,406 - Africa. - I've neverheard of it. 49 00:03:09,655 --> 00:03:11,930 Yes, it's fairly new, Minister. 50 00:03:12,095 --> 00:03:14,928 It used to be called British Equatorial Africa. 51 00:03:16,055 --> 00:03:20,094 It's the red bit on the left hand side, below the Mediterranean. 52 00:03:20,695 --> 00:03:23,573 Oh, there! But why's this come to us? 53 00:03:23,735 --> 00:03:28,206 - This is forthe Foreign Office. - There are administrative problems. 54 00:03:28,375 --> 00:03:30,411 Her Majesty's due to be up at Balmoral, 55 00:03:30,575 --> 00:03:32,327 so she'll have to come to London. 56 00:03:32,495 --> 00:03:35,487 State visits are arranged years in advance. 57 00:03:35,655 --> 00:03:38,965 This isn't a state visit, it's a Head of Government visit. 58 00:03:39,135 --> 00:03:41,330 The President of Buranda is Head of State. 59 00:03:41,495 --> 00:03:43,725 But he's also Head of Government. 60 00:03:43,895 --> 00:03:46,125 But ifhe's coming as Head of Government, 61 00:03:46,295 --> 00:03:48,172 why does the Queen have to see him? 62 00:03:48,335 --> 00:03:51,213 Because she's the Head of State, Minister. 63 00:03:51,455 --> 00:03:53,810 The Head of State must greet a Head of State, 64 00:03:53,975 --> 00:03:55,727 even ifhe's not here as Head of State. 65 00:03:55,895 --> 00:03:58,204 It's all a matterofhats. 66 00:03:58,695 --> 00:04:00,014 - Hats? - Yes. 67 00:04:00,175 --> 00:04:02,405 He's coming wearing his Head of Government hat. 68 00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:04,008 He is the Head of State, 69 00:04:04,175 --> 00:04:06,643 but he's notwearing his Head of State hat, 70 00:04:06,815 --> 00:04:10,854 but even though he's wearing his Head of Government hat, 71 00:04:11,015 --> 00:04:13,483 he must still be met by the Crown. 72 00:04:15,215 --> 00:04:17,046 Why are we having an official visit from 73 00:04:17,215 --> 00:04:18,967 this tin pot little African country? 74 00:04:19,135 --> 00:04:24,255 I beg of you not to referto it as a tin pot little African country. 75 00:04:24,455 --> 00:04:26,446 - It's an L.D.C. - What? 76 00:04:26,615 --> 00:04:29,209 Buranda is an Under- developed Country. 77 00:04:29,375 --> 00:04:32,367 However, this term was regarded as offensive... 78 00:04:32,535 --> 00:04:34,605 so they became known as Developing Countries 79 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:38,688 and then as Less Developed Countries or L.D.C.'s. 80 00:04:39,135 --> 00:04:42,923 We are nowready to replace the term L.D.C. With H.R.R.C. 81 00:04:43,095 --> 00:04:44,130 What's that? 82 00:04:44,295 --> 00:04:47,526 - Human Resource Rich Countries. - Which means? 83 00:04:47,695 --> 00:04:50,687 They're grossly overpopulated and begging formoney. 84 00:04:51,055 --> 00:04:54,127 And Buranda is an H.R.R. C? 85 00:04:54,375 --> 00:04:55,774 No, Minister. 86 00:04:56,135 --> 00:04:58,808 Is it one of the "have not" nations? 87 00:04:58,975 --> 00:05:00,533 We don't use that term any longer. 88 00:05:00,695 --> 00:05:03,892 But if we did, Buranda would be a "will have" nation. 89 00:05:04,055 --> 00:05:07,809 Will have a huge amount of oil in a couple of years from now. 90 00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:09,533 Oh, I see. 91 00:05:09,695 --> 00:05:11,606 Why didn't you say so at first? 92 00:05:11,775 --> 00:05:16,291 - It's not a T.P. L.A.C. At all. - T.P. L.A.C? 93 00:05:16,455 --> 00:05:19,094 Tin Pot Little African Country. 94 00:05:20,015 --> 00:05:21,164 No, Minister. 95 00:05:21,495 --> 00:05:24,134 Oil. I've got a marvellous idea. 96 00:05:24,295 --> 00:05:26,684 The Queen doesn't have to come down from Balmoral. 97 00:05:26,855 --> 00:05:29,244 Are you proposing that they should exchange 98 00:05:29,415 --> 00:05:31,212 official greetings overthe telephone? 99 00:05:31,375 --> 00:05:32,444 No. No. No. No. 100 00:05:32,615 --> 00:05:34,890 You'd like them to shout rather loudly? 101 00:05:35,055 --> 00:05:37,808 No. The visit shall take place in Scotland. 102 00:05:37,975 --> 00:05:40,409 - At Holyrood Palace. - Out of the question. 103 00:05:40,575 --> 00:05:42,327 - Why? - It's not ourdecision. 104 00:05:42,495 --> 00:05:45,293 - It's a Foreign Office matter. - I don't think so. 105 00:05:45,455 --> 00:05:49,050 "Notwithstanding the provisions of subsection 3 blah blah... 106 00:05:49,215 --> 00:05:50,728 it is proposed blah... 107 00:05:50,895 --> 00:05:54,854 the resolution of anomalies shall fall within the purview 108 00:05:55,015 --> 00:05:57,734 of the Minister forAdministrative Affairs. 109 00:05:57,935 --> 00:05:59,163 It's brilliant. 110 00:05:59,335 --> 00:06:01,326 We save the Queen a pointless journey, 111 00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:05,170 and there are three Scottish by-elecctions coming up soon. 112 00:06:05,335 --> 00:06:07,166 We'll hold them afterthe visit. 113 00:06:07,335 --> 00:06:09,405 We do not hold Head of Government visits 114 00:06:09,575 --> 00:06:12,328 forparty political reasons, but forreasons of State. 115 00:06:12,495 --> 00:06:15,646 My plan shows that Scotland is an equal partner in the UK. 116 00:06:15,815 --> 00:06:17,168 She is Queen of Scotland too. 117 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:20,486 And it is full of marginal constit... depressed areas. 118 00:06:20,815 --> 00:06:23,693 I hardly think thatwe can exploit ourSovereign 119 00:06:23,855 --> 00:06:26,415 by involving her in what some might call 120 00:06:26,575 --> 00:06:28,691 a squalid vote grubbing exercise. 121 00:06:28,855 --> 00:06:31,085 - You want a betterreason, right? - Indeed we do. 122 00:06:31,255 --> 00:06:32,847 Then tell me why he's coming. 123 00:06:33,455 --> 00:06:36,208 Forexchange of views on matters of mutual interest. 124 00:06:36,375 --> 00:06:40,163 - Now tell me why he's coming. - Off shore drilling equipment. 125 00:06:40,415 --> 00:06:44,124 We're hoping he's going to place a huge orderwith us. 126 00:06:44,655 --> 00:06:47,613 And where is he going to see all this offshore equipment? 127 00:06:47,775 --> 00:06:49,288 Aberdeen. Clydeside. 128 00:06:49,455 --> 00:06:52,367 Howmany oil rigs have you got in Haslemere? 129 00:06:52,735 --> 00:06:56,250 - But the administrative problems - That's why we are here. 130 00:06:56,415 --> 00:06:59,930 - But Scotland's so remote... - Not all that remote. 131 00:07:00,175 --> 00:07:03,963 It's that pink bit about two feet above Potter's Bar. 132 00:07:04,735 --> 00:07:06,088 Very droll, Minister. 133 00:07:06,255 --> 00:07:07,927 So, it's going to be Scotland. 134 00:07:08,095 --> 00:07:09,653 That is my policy decision. 135 00:07:09,815 --> 00:07:11,726 That's what I'm here for, right Bernard? 136 00:07:11,895 --> 00:07:13,772 Right Humphrey? Good, thank you. 137 00:07:22,615 --> 00:07:24,526 What's he got against the idea? 138 00:07:24,695 --> 00:07:27,004 Sir Humphrey likes going to Foreign Embassies, 139 00:07:27,175 --> 00:07:28,927 with his white tie, tails, medals. 140 00:07:29,095 --> 00:07:31,689 Itwill all be on a much smaller scale in Scotland. 141 00:07:31,855 --> 00:07:33,174 No room for Humphrey? 142 00:07:33,335 --> 00:07:35,769 Onlyforthe Permanent Secretary there. 143 00:07:36,335 --> 00:07:38,565 Has Sir Humphrey got lots of um...? 144 00:07:39,375 --> 00:07:40,933 Yes one ortwo, Minister. 145 00:07:41,095 --> 00:07:43,655 And he's been recommended forthe K.B.E. 146 00:07:43,815 --> 00:07:45,089 How do you know? 147 00:07:45,255 --> 00:07:48,247 I thought honours were a closely guarded secret. 148 00:07:55,295 --> 00:07:58,412 - More coffee, Jumbo? - Thank you, Humpy. 149 00:08:00,335 --> 00:08:04,010 Any luck with the Foreign Secretary about this Scottish nonsense? 150 00:08:04,175 --> 00:08:07,212 "Fraid not. Can't budge him. Your Ministernobbled him first. 151 00:08:07,375 --> 00:08:09,013 No chance of getting it back to London? 152 00:08:09,175 --> 00:08:11,973 No, I'm afraid the Cabinet are utterly united. 153 00:08:12,135 --> 00:08:14,569 All these marginal seats, d'you see? 154 00:08:14,775 --> 00:08:15,775 Shameful. 155 00:08:15,935 --> 00:08:17,414 - Political. - Typical. 156 00:08:17,575 --> 00:08:18,803 Inevitable. 157 00:08:19,615 --> 00:08:21,287 And so blatant. 158 00:08:21,455 --> 00:08:24,891 Issuing writs forthree Scottish by-elections to poll 159 00:08:25,055 --> 00:08:27,046 on the day afterthe visit. 160 00:08:28,655 --> 00:08:32,284 Can you imagine Harold MacMillan doing a thing like that? 161 00:08:32,855 --> 00:08:34,129 Yes. 162 00:08:35,695 --> 00:08:37,606 Yes, so can I, actually. 163 00:08:39,415 --> 00:08:41,975 Now, about the arrangements forScotland. 164 00:08:42,135 --> 00:08:45,491 The reception I mean. Do we knowwho's going? 165 00:08:45,655 --> 00:08:48,613 Yes. I'm afraid the Burandan Consulate in Edinburgh 166 00:08:48,775 --> 00:08:50,094 is rathera hutch. 167 00:08:50,335 --> 00:08:53,691 I shall have to carry the flag forthe Civil Service all by myself. 168 00:08:54,095 --> 00:08:55,244 Oh really? 169 00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:58,010 Well, you have my sympathy. 170 00:08:58,335 --> 00:09:02,294 God knows what they'll be serving up forthe Scots and Burandans. 171 00:09:02,455 --> 00:09:05,447 Haggis in missionary sauce, I shouldn'twonder. 172 00:09:06,295 --> 00:09:10,811 Actually, between ourselves, the visitwill probably neverhappen. 173 00:09:10,975 --> 00:09:14,331 - Neverhappen? Why? - Rumblings in the interior. 174 00:09:14,495 --> 00:09:17,293 Oh dear... Oh, I see what you mean. 175 00:09:17,735 --> 00:09:20,852 - From ourman in Mungoville. - Isn't that ratherserious? 176 00:09:21,015 --> 00:09:24,087 Buranda's a friendly country with a Commonwealth connection. 177 00:09:24,255 --> 00:09:27,292 Our information is it's likely to turn into a hostile L.D.C. 178 00:09:27,455 --> 00:09:29,332 With a Cuban connection. 179 00:09:29,695 --> 00:09:32,687 - Whatwill the Government do? - The same as always... 180 00:09:32,935 --> 00:09:34,493 Damn all! 181 00:09:44,575 --> 00:09:48,853 We are just getting reports of a coup d'etat in Buranda, 182 00:09:49,015 --> 00:09:52,644 the West African State, formerly British Equatorial Africa. 183 00:09:52,815 --> 00:09:55,010 It is reported that the Commander in Chief 184 00:09:55,175 --> 00:09:58,008 Colonel Selim Mohammed has been declared President. 185 00:09:58,255 --> 00:10:01,327 It is not known what's happened to President Alam, 186 00:10:01,495 --> 00:10:05,044 who was due to pay an official visit to Britain next week. 187 00:10:05,335 --> 00:10:07,849 There is still no sign of agreement... 188 00:10:08,495 --> 00:10:11,328 Did you see that? Get me the Foreign Secretary. 189 00:10:11,535 --> 00:10:12,854 Shall we scramble? 190 00:10:13,015 --> 00:10:15,654 No, it's not secret, it's on the news. 191 00:10:23,295 --> 00:10:24,523 Martin. 192 00:10:24,695 --> 00:10:28,005 - What's all this about Buranda? - What's all what? 193 00:10:28,175 --> 00:10:29,813 There's been a coup d'etat. 194 00:10:30,015 --> 00:10:31,015 How do you know? 195 00:10:31,175 --> 00:10:33,211 Itwas on the news. Didn't you see? 196 00:10:33,375 --> 00:10:35,366 You're Foreign Secretary! 197 00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:37,332 My TV set's on the blink. 198 00:10:39,255 --> 00:10:42,452 YourTV set? Don't you get telegrams? 199 00:10:42,655 --> 00:10:46,648 No, they come in later. I get all the foreign news from TV. 200 00:10:48,335 --> 00:10:50,246 You're joking... aren't you? 201 00:10:50,415 --> 00:10:51,564 No. 202 00:10:51,735 --> 00:10:54,886 We've got to make sure this official visit still happens. 203 00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,285 How can we? Who's the new President? 204 00:10:57,455 --> 00:11:00,049 We must find out. And make sure he comes. 205 00:11:00,215 --> 00:11:02,934 - There are three by-elections. - I know that. 206 00:11:03,095 --> 00:11:04,369 Let me know if you hear... 207 00:11:04,535 --> 00:11:07,652 No, you let me know. You're the one with the telly. 208 00:11:11,295 --> 00:11:14,412 - You've heard the sad news? - Yes, disaster. 209 00:11:14,575 --> 00:11:17,931 No. No. No. No, just a slight inconvenience. 210 00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:21,609 The wheels are in motion, it's really simple 211 00:11:21,775 --> 00:11:24,050 to cancel the arrangements forthe visit. 212 00:11:24,215 --> 00:11:27,173 - You'll do no such thing. - We have no choice. 213 00:11:27,335 --> 00:11:30,850 We are reissuing the invitation forthe new President. 214 00:11:32,535 --> 00:11:34,810 But, we haven't recognised his government. 215 00:11:35,175 --> 00:11:36,847 The wheels are in motion. 216 00:11:37,015 --> 00:11:39,449 - But who is he? - Mohammed something. 217 00:11:39,615 --> 00:11:41,924 We knownothing about him. What's he like? 218 00:11:42,095 --> 00:11:45,371 We're not putting him up forthe Athenaeum. 219 00:11:45,535 --> 00:11:46,604 Minister. 220 00:11:46,775 --> 00:11:48,493 Buranda is in total confusion. 221 00:11:48,655 --> 00:11:50,327 We don't know who is behind him. 222 00:11:50,495 --> 00:11:51,974 Whetherhe's Soviet backed, 223 00:11:52,135 --> 00:11:55,047 orjust a Burandan with an eye forthe main chance. 224 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,331 We cannot take diplomatic risks. 225 00:11:57,495 --> 00:11:59,850 - The Government has no choice. - But Her Majesty... 226 00:12:00,015 --> 00:12:02,734 Her Majesty will cope. She always does. 227 00:12:03,535 --> 00:12:05,048 But who is he? 228 00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:08,688 He might not be properly brought up. 229 00:12:09,575 --> 00:12:11,725 He might be rude to her. 230 00:12:11,975 --> 00:12:14,045 He might take liberties. 231 00:12:16,255 --> 00:12:18,689 He will be photographed with Her Majesty 232 00:12:18,855 --> 00:12:22,245 and what ifhe turns out to be anotherldi Amin. 233 00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:25,535 The repercussions are too hideous to contemplate. 234 00:12:25,695 --> 00:12:27,811 - We'll find out about him. - We can't. 235 00:12:27,975 --> 00:12:30,443 All thatwe know is that he's an enigma. 236 00:12:30,775 --> 00:12:33,005 Humphrey, I don't care forthatword. 237 00:12:34,135 --> 00:12:35,454 Enigma? 238 00:12:36,055 --> 00:12:39,491 And there are reasons of State which make this visit essential. 239 00:12:39,655 --> 00:12:41,452 Buranda is enormously rich. 240 00:12:41,615 --> 00:12:45,324 It needs oil rigs and we have idle shipyards on the Clyde. 241 00:12:45,655 --> 00:12:48,453 Buranda is essential to ourAfrican policy. 242 00:12:48,615 --> 00:12:50,890 The Government doesn't have African policy. 243 00:12:51,215 --> 00:12:52,728 Well, it has now. 244 00:12:53,135 --> 00:12:54,966 And ifhe is Marxist backed, 245 00:12:55,135 --> 00:12:58,047 who betterto win him over to ourside than her Majesty? 246 00:12:58,215 --> 00:13:02,493 Moreover, it is an important state occasion forScotland. 247 00:13:02,655 --> 00:13:04,771 Not to mention three marginal by-elections. 248 00:13:04,935 --> 00:13:07,688 Not to mention... It has nothing to do with it! 249 00:13:07,855 --> 00:13:09,652 Of course not. 250 00:13:11,575 --> 00:13:13,725 Yes? It's the Foreign Secretary. 251 00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:17,372 Martin? Yes? Yes? 252 00:13:18,055 --> 00:13:19,488 The visit's on. 253 00:13:19,655 --> 00:13:21,373 Oh, splendid. 254 00:13:22,935 --> 00:13:25,324 The new President of Buranda intends 255 00:13:25,495 --> 00:13:28,453 to visit this country, as previously agreed. 256 00:13:28,615 --> 00:13:31,334 So, the Foreign Office is getting the facts at last? 257 00:13:31,495 --> 00:13:32,689 Well, not exactly. 258 00:13:32,855 --> 00:13:35,608 Martin's driverheard a newsflash on his carradio. 259 00:13:36,655 --> 00:13:38,008 So, the visit's on. 260 00:13:38,175 --> 00:13:40,530 That is my recommendation to the PM. 261 00:13:41,095 --> 00:13:43,609 Anotherpolicy decision, Bernard. 262 00:13:43,775 --> 00:13:46,653 Quite a lot of them afterall, aren't they? 263 00:14:10,815 --> 00:14:13,204 Burandan Airways! They are doing well. 264 00:14:13,935 --> 00:14:16,449 - Howmany planes do they have? - None. 265 00:14:17,255 --> 00:14:18,847 What about that one? 266 00:14:19,015 --> 00:14:23,406 That one was chartered lastweek and repainted specially. 267 00:14:24,975 --> 00:14:27,933 Actually, there's one 747 that belonged to 268 00:14:28,095 --> 00:14:31,531 9 different African airlines in one month. 269 00:14:32,015 --> 00:14:34,324 They called it the Mumbo Jumbo. 270 00:14:37,495 --> 00:14:40,373 - When does my plane leave? - I've booked you on the sleeper. 271 00:14:40,535 --> 00:14:42,844 - You'll be at the House tonight. - Oh, lord. 272 00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:45,324 And nowwe are about to catch ourfirst glimpse 273 00:14:45,495 --> 00:14:48,214 of President Selim Mohammed of Buranda. 274 00:14:49,575 --> 00:14:51,247 I knowhim! That's Charlie. 275 00:14:51,935 --> 00:14:55,007 - Charlie? - We were at L.S. E. Together. 276 00:14:55,175 --> 00:14:57,769 He's not Selim Mohammed, he's Charles Umtali. 277 00:14:57,935 --> 00:14:59,004 Are you sure? 278 00:14:59,175 --> 00:15:02,292 You don't forget a name like Charlie Umtali. 279 00:15:02,455 --> 00:15:05,128 - Have we anything on this? - In the brief it stated 280 00:15:05,295 --> 00:15:08,571 that Colonel Selim Mohammed was converted to Islam. 281 00:15:08,735 --> 00:15:11,966 We didn't knowhis previous name norhis background. 282 00:15:12,135 --> 00:15:14,649 He's a red hot political economist. 283 00:15:14,815 --> 00:15:16,885 Wiped the floorwith everyone. 284 00:15:17,055 --> 00:15:18,647 - That's all right then. - Why? 285 00:15:18,815 --> 00:15:23,172 He'll knowhow to behave ifhe went to an English University. 286 00:15:23,335 --> 00:15:25,565 Even if itwas the L.S.E. 287 00:15:26,015 --> 00:15:28,575 You said red hot, were you speaking politically? 288 00:15:28,735 --> 00:15:31,454 Partly. You neverknowwith Charlie. 289 00:15:31,615 --> 00:15:35,767 He follows you into a revolving doorand comes out first. 290 00:15:36,575 --> 00:15:38,088 No deep commitment? 291 00:15:38,255 --> 00:15:41,770 - Only to Charlie. - I see. A politician, Minister. 292 00:15:42,335 --> 00:15:44,212 Very droll, Humphrey. 293 00:15:44,415 --> 00:15:47,134 It'll be a couple of days. Can't do much harm. 294 00:15:47,295 --> 00:15:51,732 Always remember, Minister, you wanted him here, not me. 295 00:15:52,975 --> 00:15:55,250 It is afterhalf past, Minister. 296 00:15:55,415 --> 00:15:57,610 When am I going to do all this correspondence? 297 00:15:57,775 --> 00:15:59,845 Well, Minister... 298 00:16:14,055 --> 00:16:16,853 Well done, Minister. Betterout than in. 299 00:16:18,655 --> 00:16:21,772 22:30 Edinburgh train 300 00:16:21,935 --> 00:16:24,768 will leave from Platform 7... 301 00:16:55,695 --> 00:16:57,287 - Who is it? - Bernard. 302 00:16:57,455 --> 00:16:59,923 Come in. Bernard, what's the matter? 303 00:17:00,095 --> 00:17:02,655 - Will you read this, please? - No, I will not. 304 00:17:02,815 --> 00:17:04,806 - It's top priority... - You always say that. 305 00:17:04,975 --> 00:17:08,365 It is a copy of President Selim's speech tomorrow. 306 00:17:08,535 --> 00:17:10,207 I know these speeches: 307 00:17:10,855 --> 00:17:13,813 Happy to be here, bonds of shared experience, 308 00:17:13,975 --> 00:17:17,490 - Ties between ourtwo countries. - That is all in it, but... 309 00:17:17,655 --> 00:17:20,249 - I'm not going to read it tonight. - I think you should. 310 00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:22,975 I've underlined the important bits in red ink. 311 00:17:23,135 --> 00:17:25,968 I'll just distribute some copies around the train. 312 00:17:26,135 --> 00:17:27,250 Around the train? 313 00:17:27,415 --> 00:17:30,407 To Sir Humphrey, the Foreign Secretary, the Press Officer... 314 00:17:35,535 --> 00:17:37,093 "Burandans feel 315 00:17:37,255 --> 00:17:39,894 a special affinity with the 316 00:17:44,575 --> 00:17:46,406 Celtic peoples 317 00:17:46,575 --> 00:17:48,930 in theirstruggle forfreedom. 318 00:17:50,335 --> 00:17:52,166 We too had to fight to break free 319 00:17:52,335 --> 00:17:55,168 from the chains of British colonialism". 320 00:17:56,495 --> 00:17:58,486 Bristish colonialism? 321 00:17:59,255 --> 00:18:03,248 "The people of Buranda urge the Scots and the Irish 322 00:18:06,055 --> 00:18:09,730 to end the English oppression, cast off the imperialist yoke 323 00:18:09,895 --> 00:18:12,807 and join the fellowship of free nations". 324 00:18:13,415 --> 00:18:14,894 Good God! 325 00:18:15,535 --> 00:18:16,763 Yes. 326 00:18:17,095 --> 00:18:20,565 We would appearto have been caughtwith ourtrousers down. 327 00:18:21,215 --> 00:18:23,171 He can't say this in front ofher. 328 00:18:23,335 --> 00:18:25,610 I don't like to say I told you so. 329 00:18:25,775 --> 00:18:29,814 - Egg all overourfaces. - Not egg, just imperialist "yoke". 330 00:18:30,615 --> 00:18:32,651 Three Scottish by-elections. 331 00:18:32,815 --> 00:18:35,807 It is indeed a catastrophe. A tragedy. 332 00:18:35,975 --> 00:18:39,604 A cataclysmic, apocolyptic, monumental calamity. 333 00:18:39,775 --> 00:18:43,165 - And you did it. - You're paid to advise me, advise me! 334 00:18:43,335 --> 00:18:46,168 This is like trying to advise the Captain of the Titanic 335 00:18:46,335 --> 00:18:48,610 afterhe's struck the iceberg. 336 00:18:48,775 --> 00:18:50,572 There must be something we can do. 337 00:18:50,735 --> 00:18:53,408 We could sing Abide with Me? 338 00:18:54,215 --> 00:18:55,489 - Yes? - Minister. 339 00:18:55,655 --> 00:18:57,850 The Foreign Secretary would like a word. 340 00:18:58,055 --> 00:19:00,444 - Ah, Foreign Secretary. - Have you read this...? 341 00:19:00,615 --> 00:19:02,765 My Minister is concerned thatwe will have egg 342 00:19:02,935 --> 00:19:06,086 all overourface. Scotch egg, presumably. 343 00:19:06,455 --> 00:19:09,333 - Why is he doing it? - Maybe it's forhome consumption. 344 00:19:09,495 --> 00:19:12,487 Perhaps he's trying to persuade the otherAfrican Leaders 345 00:19:12,655 --> 00:19:15,089 that he's a pukka anticolonialist. 346 00:19:15,335 --> 00:19:17,724 Yes? Yes, Bernard? 347 00:19:17,895 --> 00:19:20,125 The Press Officer would like a word. 348 00:19:20,295 --> 00:19:21,569 Oh dear! 349 00:19:21,935 --> 00:19:23,288 Room fora little 'un? 350 00:19:23,455 --> 00:19:25,446 Do you think it's good idea to issue a statement? 351 00:19:25,615 --> 00:19:28,413 Well, Minister, in practical terms 352 00:19:28,695 --> 00:19:30,811 we have the usual six options. 353 00:19:32,215 --> 00:19:33,694 One, do nothing. 354 00:19:33,855 --> 00:19:36,494 Two, issue a statement deploring the speech. 355 00:19:36,655 --> 00:19:39,044 Three, lodge an official protest. 356 00:19:39,215 --> 00:19:40,284 Four, cut off aid. 357 00:19:40,455 --> 00:19:43,015 Five, break off diplomatic relations. 358 00:19:43,175 --> 00:19:45,609 - And six, declare war. - Which should we do? 359 00:19:45,775 --> 00:19:48,573 If we do nothing, we implicity agree with the speech. 360 00:19:48,735 --> 00:19:52,853 Two, if we issue a statement, we just look foolish. 361 00:19:53,015 --> 00:19:55,654 Three, if we lodge a protest, itwill be ignored. 362 00:19:55,815 --> 00:19:59,171 Four, we can't cut off aid because we don't give them any. 363 00:19:59,335 --> 00:20:01,974 Five, if we break off diplomatic relations 364 00:20:02,135 --> 00:20:04,444 we can't negotiate the oil rig contracts. 365 00:20:04,615 --> 00:20:09,245 And six, if we declare war it might just look as if we were overreacting. 366 00:20:10,175 --> 00:20:12,848 In the old days we'd just send in a gun boat. 367 00:20:14,175 --> 00:20:17,292 I suppose that is absolutely out of the question? 368 00:20:19,615 --> 00:20:20,809 - Yes? - Minister... 369 00:20:20,975 --> 00:20:23,967 The Permanent UnderSecretary of the Foreign Office. 370 00:20:24,135 --> 00:20:26,046 It'll be like the Black Hole of Calcutta. 371 00:20:27,095 --> 00:20:29,814 - May I come in, Minister. - You can try. 372 00:20:30,095 --> 00:20:32,051 This is all we needed. 373 00:20:32,255 --> 00:20:34,644 Welcome to the Standing Committee. 374 00:20:35,375 --> 00:20:38,651 Sir Frederick, what are we going to do about this? 375 00:20:38,815 --> 00:20:40,931 Well, Minister, Foreign Secretary... 376 00:20:41,095 --> 00:20:42,323 I think... 377 00:20:44,535 --> 00:20:47,811 I think we knowwhat's behind it, 378 00:20:47,975 --> 00:20:49,647 don'twe, Humpy? 379 00:20:49,855 --> 00:20:51,334 Humpy? 380 00:20:53,175 --> 00:20:57,248 Sir Frederick is suggesting that the offending paragraph may be 381 00:20:57,415 --> 00:20:59,246 a bargaining counter. 382 00:20:59,415 --> 00:21:02,487 - He wants something? - Why send us an advance copy? 383 00:21:02,655 --> 00:21:05,089 Why don't you find out what it is he wants? 384 00:21:05,255 --> 00:21:08,292 The Embassy staff are all new, we've just seen the speech. 385 00:21:08,455 --> 00:21:10,844 And no one knows anything about this President. 386 00:21:11,015 --> 00:21:12,164 Except me. 387 00:21:12,335 --> 00:21:16,010 - Except you? - They were at University together. 388 00:21:16,175 --> 00:21:19,929 - The old boy network. - Thatwas 25 years ago. 389 00:21:20,095 --> 00:21:23,690 He may not even rememberme... I don't really think I could... 390 00:21:23,855 --> 00:21:25,413 You ought to see him. 391 00:21:25,575 --> 00:21:28,328 I think you carry more weight. 392 00:21:30,615 --> 00:21:33,368 Then the mountain shall go to Mohammed? 393 00:21:33,535 --> 00:21:35,412 No. No. No. Jim's going. 394 00:21:35,615 --> 00:21:37,446 That's what I meant. 395 00:21:38,135 --> 00:21:40,695 All right. But you'll have to come with me. 396 00:21:40,855 --> 00:21:42,447 Of course, Minister. 397 00:21:42,615 --> 00:21:45,527 I'd hardly let you do it on yourown. 398 00:21:51,255 --> 00:21:53,007 Jim, come in. 399 00:21:53,295 --> 00:21:56,970 - Hownice to see you again. - Charlie... Long time no see. 400 00:21:57,135 --> 00:22:00,286 You don't have to speak pidgin English to me. 401 00:22:02,095 --> 00:22:04,484 Sir Humphrey Appleby, my Permanent UnderSecretary. 402 00:22:04,655 --> 00:22:07,123 - Your Excellency. - How do you do. 403 00:22:07,575 --> 00:22:08,974 Do sit down. 404 00:22:10,415 --> 00:22:14,408 Permanent UnderSecretary is such a demeaning title. 405 00:22:15,455 --> 00:22:17,093 I beg yourpardon? 406 00:22:17,375 --> 00:22:20,014 Sounds like an Assistant Typist orsomething, 407 00:22:20,735 --> 00:22:24,171 whereas you're really in charge of everything. 408 00:22:24,615 --> 00:22:26,890 Well, not quite everything. 409 00:22:27,055 --> 00:22:30,047 I should congratulate you on becoming Head of State. 410 00:22:30,215 --> 00:22:32,365 Oh, thanks. Itwasn't difficult. 411 00:22:32,535 --> 00:22:35,925 I didn't do boring things, like fighting elections 412 00:22:37,055 --> 00:22:38,852 orby-elections. 413 00:22:39,655 --> 00:22:42,123 Jim, of course I'm delighted to see you, 414 00:22:42,295 --> 00:22:44,729 but is this purely a social visit, 415 00:22:44,895 --> 00:22:47,455 or is there anything you wanted to talk about? 416 00:22:47,615 --> 00:22:50,448 I do have to finish my speech. 417 00:22:50,615 --> 00:22:54,403 Ah... Well, yes... Actually, we have seen an advanced copy... 418 00:22:54,575 --> 00:22:55,894 You liked it? 419 00:22:57,975 --> 00:22:59,852 Charlie, may I speak frankly? 420 00:23:00,015 --> 00:23:02,085 - We're old friends. - Of course. 421 00:23:02,255 --> 00:23:05,725 You must realise that that bit about colonialist oppression 422 00:23:05,895 --> 00:23:08,807 was a bit... well... um, very... 423 00:23:10,095 --> 00:23:12,893 Well, actually profoundly embarrassing. 424 00:23:13,495 --> 00:23:17,647 That passage where you urged the Scots and the Irish to er... 425 00:23:20,055 --> 00:23:23,491 I wonder if you could um, give it a miss? 426 00:23:24,255 --> 00:23:26,211 - Give it a miss? - Yes. 427 00:23:26,495 --> 00:23:30,283 But, this is something I feel very, very deeply to be true. 428 00:23:30,455 --> 00:23:33,174 Surely the British don't believe in suppressing the truth? 429 00:23:33,335 --> 00:23:35,246 Good heavens no. 430 00:23:36,255 --> 00:23:38,564 I wonder if there's anything that might persuade you 431 00:23:38,735 --> 00:23:42,330 to considerrecasting that sentence and transfering the emphasis 432 00:23:42,495 --> 00:23:45,567 from the specific instance to the abstract concept 433 00:23:45,735 --> 00:23:47,009 without in any way, 434 00:23:47,175 --> 00:23:50,929 impairing the conceptual integrity of the theme. 435 00:23:54,335 --> 00:23:55,734 Yes... 436 00:23:57,175 --> 00:23:58,813 May I change the subject? 437 00:23:58,975 --> 00:24:03,253 Jim, while you're here may I sound you out on a proposal 438 00:24:03,415 --> 00:24:05,770 I was going to make to the Prime Minister? 439 00:24:05,935 --> 00:24:06,935 What proposal? 440 00:24:07,095 --> 00:24:10,929 Our little change of Government has quite unnecessarily alarmed 441 00:24:11,095 --> 00:24:13,529 some of the investors in ouroil industry. 442 00:24:13,695 --> 00:24:16,493 Only temporarily, but it does mean thatwe need 443 00:24:16,655 --> 00:24:19,692 a little British investment to tide us over. 444 00:24:19,855 --> 00:24:22,767 To restore confidence, you know. 445 00:24:23,015 --> 00:24:24,050 Howmuch? 446 00:24:24,215 --> 00:24:26,285 Fifty million pounds. 447 00:24:27,855 --> 00:24:29,846 Ask him on what terms. 448 00:24:31,575 --> 00:24:33,372 On what terms? 449 00:24:33,535 --> 00:24:35,924 Repayment of the capital not to start before ten years. 450 00:24:36,095 --> 00:24:37,926 And interest free. 451 00:24:41,135 --> 00:24:45,651 Fifty million pounds... it's a lot ot money. 452 00:24:45,975 --> 00:24:47,693 I see, well in that case... 453 00:24:47,855 --> 00:24:51,291 But that doesn't mean we can't talk about it? 454 00:24:53,855 --> 00:24:56,289 Interest free? Ten years? 455 00:24:56,455 --> 00:24:58,764 Assuming a 10 % interest, 456 00:24:58,935 --> 00:25:02,371 he's asking fora free gift of fifty million pounds. 457 00:25:02,535 --> 00:25:05,254 Itwould appear that you're asking for 458 00:25:05,415 --> 00:25:08,293 a free gift of about fifty million pounds. 459 00:25:08,455 --> 00:25:10,093 But it's to youradvantage. 460 00:25:10,255 --> 00:25:13,930 We would use the loan to buy oil rigs built on the Clyde. 461 00:25:14,095 --> 00:25:15,653 Ah, well. 462 00:25:16,415 --> 00:25:18,883 He's asking us to give him 50 million pounds 463 00:25:19,055 --> 00:25:22,684 so that he can buy ouroil rigs with ourmoney. 464 00:25:24,815 --> 00:25:26,885 Reasonable to me. 465 00:25:28,455 --> 00:25:32,130 - Reasonable, Minister? - Lots of jobs, Humphrey. 466 00:25:32,295 --> 00:25:35,412 Supposing itwere possible to do this deal, 467 00:25:35,575 --> 00:25:40,524 would you find it possible to make cuts in yourspeech? 468 00:25:42,615 --> 00:25:45,812 Yes, but I'd have to knownow. 469 00:25:48,135 --> 00:25:49,329 Blackmail! 470 00:25:49,495 --> 00:25:52,055 Are you describing me, ormy proposal? 471 00:25:54,335 --> 00:25:56,326 Yourproposal, naturally. 472 00:25:57,655 --> 00:25:59,930 No, no, not even yourproposal. 473 00:26:00,975 --> 00:26:04,285 I think we can come to agreement, don't you Humphrey? 474 00:26:05,175 --> 00:26:06,654 Minister... 475 00:26:10,375 --> 00:26:12,206 Could I have a word with you? 476 00:26:12,375 --> 00:26:13,774 Yes? 477 00:26:18,015 --> 00:26:20,609 Will you excuse us, Your Excellency? 478 00:26:24,215 --> 00:26:25,773 - Is anything wrong? - Is anything right? 479 00:26:25,935 --> 00:26:27,209 He's offering us a way out. 480 00:26:27,375 --> 00:26:29,935 A gift of 50 million pounds is a way out? 481 00:26:30,095 --> 00:26:32,928 - It's a loan. - We'll neverget it back. 482 00:26:33,095 --> 00:26:35,768 You buy yourway out of political involvement 483 00:26:35,935 --> 00:26:38,051 with fifty million pounds of public money? 484 00:26:38,215 --> 00:26:41,013 - It's diplomacy. - It's corruption, Minister. 485 00:26:42,055 --> 00:26:44,091 K.B.E. 486 00:26:45,655 --> 00:26:47,008 Humpy. 487 00:26:49,575 --> 00:26:51,054 You mean... 488 00:26:55,415 --> 00:26:56,928 Yes, I see. 489 00:26:58,095 --> 00:27:02,566 I suppose we don'twant the Soviets to invest in Buranda, do we? 490 00:27:03,695 --> 00:27:09,008 And I suppose it could be argued thatwe have a responsibility to the... 491 00:27:09,735 --> 00:27:12,329 T.P. L.A.C.'s. 492 00:27:13,695 --> 00:27:15,651 Yes, quite. 493 00:27:16,335 --> 00:27:17,484 Oh, good. 494 00:27:18,295 --> 00:27:21,605 Mr. President, I think we can come to terms afterall. 495 00:27:21,775 --> 00:27:25,290 - Well, you knowmy price. - And you knowmine. 496 00:27:26,015 --> 00:27:28,131 Everyone has his price. 497 00:27:30,655 --> 00:27:32,327 Yes, Minister.