1 00:00:41,939 --> 00:00:47,332 Humphrey, we've got to discuss this ceremony for the start of work on the Channel Tunnel. 2 00:00:47,499 --> 00:00:52,493 - The Foreign Office is stalling. - They say things still haven't been finalised. 3 00:00:52,659 --> 00:00:55,253 About time they were. Big occasion. 4 00:00:55,419 --> 00:01:02,018 The inauguration, the laying of the foundation stone by the Prime Minister, James Hacker. 5 00:01:02,179 --> 00:01:07,173 (LIKE CHURCHILL) This historic link between our two great sovereign democracies. 6 00:01:07,339 --> 00:01:10,968 - Great coverage. - F.O. Haven't agreed everything with the French. 7 00:01:11,139 --> 00:01:15,417 The only solution is for me to have a meeting with the French president 8 00:01:15,579 --> 00:01:17,615 and sort it out myself. 9 00:01:20,299 --> 00:01:25,009 I had no idea that you were considering such a stimulating approach. 10 00:01:25,179 --> 00:01:30,207 - Well, I am. - Are you capable of concluding this negotiation? 11 00:01:30,379 --> 00:01:35,169 - What are the outstanding points? - Mainly they're concerned with sovereignty. 12 00:01:35,339 --> 00:01:40,049 Where do you believe the frontier should be? The frontier between Britain and France. 13 00:01:40,219 --> 00:01:43,017 What's wrong with wherever it is now? 14 00:01:43,179 --> 00:01:47,013 The three-mile limit. Who would own the middle of the tunnel? 15 00:01:48,099 --> 00:01:52,058 The British position is that we should own half each. 16 00:01:52,219 --> 00:01:55,814 - That seems fair. - The French don't think it's fair. 17 00:01:55,979 --> 00:01:59,449 - They want the frontier to be at Dover. - Ridiculous. 18 00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:03,214 - Who would have sovereignty over the trains? - Um... 19 00:02:03,379 --> 00:02:08,453 If a crime was committed on a French train in the British sector, who'd have jurisdiction? 20 00:02:08,619 --> 00:02:12,453 The British. Well... No, the French. No, the British. 21 00:02:12,619 --> 00:02:16,851 And if a body was pushed out of a British train in the French sector? 22 00:02:17,019 --> 00:02:21,058 Well, the French. Um... no, the British. Um... 23 00:02:21,219 --> 00:02:25,929 If a British lorry was loaded onto a French train in the British sector? 24 00:02:26,099 --> 00:02:29,535 A British lorry, the British... or the French. 25 00:02:31,099 --> 00:02:35,809 Could jurisdiction be divided into two legs? Home and away? 26 00:02:36,459 --> 00:02:41,658 Yes, thank you, Bernard. Should we have a frontier post in the middle of the tunnel? 27 00:02:41,819 --> 00:02:45,573 - Well, yeah. Er, no. - Halfway across? 28 00:02:45,739 --> 00:02:51,336 Should we have customs and immigration clearance at one end or the other or both ends? 29 00:02:51,499 --> 00:02:55,538 With respect, these are points for the lawyers to discuss. 30 00:02:55,699 --> 00:03:00,056 Precisely, but I thought I heard you say you wanted to handle it yourself. 31 00:03:00,219 --> 00:03:04,610 I don't want to discuss points of abstruse international law. 32 00:03:04,779 --> 00:03:09,170 - I want to get the political points settled. - So sovereignty's not political? 33 00:03:09,339 --> 00:03:11,773 How interesting. 34 00:03:11,939 --> 00:03:16,296 The French want the signs to be in French first and English second. 35 00:03:16,459 --> 00:03:19,337 - No! - Then you can't have your ceremony. 36 00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:23,890 Well, French first at the French end and English first at the English end? 37 00:03:24,059 --> 00:03:27,131 - What about on the trains? - Oh, does it matter? 38 00:03:27,299 --> 00:03:32,009 - And the menus? French or English? - Couldn't they be changed halfway? 39 00:03:32,179 --> 00:03:34,773 No. The French are adamant. 40 00:03:34,939 --> 00:03:39,933 That is why the British and French Concorde are spelt the French way with an E. 41 00:03:40,099 --> 00:03:43,694 - Don't we ever get our way with the French? - Sometimes. 42 00:03:43,859 --> 00:03:48,057 - When was the last time? - Battle of Waterloo, 1815. 43 00:03:48,219 --> 00:03:52,371 - The French may raise the question of hijacking. - Hijacking? 44 00:03:52,539 --> 00:03:56,930 What if terrorists hijacked the train and threatened to blow up the tunnel? 45 00:03:57,099 --> 00:04:00,774 Give the French jurisdiction over the lot, then it's their problem. 46 00:04:00,939 --> 00:04:06,491 If you'd handled the negotiations, you'd have just handed everything over to the French. 47 00:04:06,659 --> 00:04:13,132 I personally believe the French will come up with a totally underhand ploy to gain the advantage. 48 00:04:13,299 --> 00:04:16,052 But no doubt you've anticipated that. 49 00:04:16,219 --> 00:04:20,371 I don't think it's necessary for me to conduct these negotiations. 50 00:04:20,539 --> 00:04:25,249 If humiliating concessions have to be made, let the Foreign Secretary make them. 51 00:04:25,419 --> 00:04:28,616 - Very wise. - Let's have a glass of sherry, Bernard. 52 00:04:28,779 --> 00:04:32,977 May we discuss the vexed question of your predecessor's memoirs? 53 00:04:33,139 --> 00:04:35,528 - What now? - The final chapter 54 00:04:35,699 --> 00:04:39,487 concerns his resignation and your accession to the premiership. 55 00:04:39,659 --> 00:04:43,971 - He wants access to certain papers. - Can't we stop these bloody memoirs? 56 00:04:44,139 --> 00:04:48,894 - Memoirs, alas, are an occupational hazard. - It's the betrayal that upsets me. 57 00:04:49,059 --> 00:04:52,768 Until I'd read the first seven chapters, I thought he was a friend. 58 00:04:52,939 --> 00:04:55,737 - He says some shocking things. - Such as? 59 00:04:55,899 --> 00:04:59,687 - He calls me two-faced. - That was very wrong. 60 00:05:01,099 --> 00:05:04,091 - You admit he was wrong? - Yes, indeed. Cheers. 61 00:05:04,259 --> 00:05:07,376 - Unforgivably indiscreet. - Have you seen it? 62 00:05:08,259 --> 00:05:11,808 - Oh, and wrong. - How can he tell such lies about me? 63 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:15,733 - What lies? Oh, yes, I see. - What's in it for him? 64 00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:18,459 - Bestseller? - No, it's not that. 65 00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:22,089 He lies because it's in his nature. 66 00:05:22,259 --> 00:05:26,252 He's treacherous, malevolent... and vile. 67 00:05:26,419 --> 00:05:31,129 If he thinks he'll get any more honours or quangos, he's got another think coming! 68 00:05:31,299 --> 00:05:34,496 - (PHONE) - He's not getting one ounce more recognition! 69 00:05:35,459 --> 00:05:38,053 Yes. Look, is this important? Because... 70 00:05:38,219 --> 00:05:40,016 Oh. 71 00:05:40,179 --> 00:05:42,898 No? Oh. 72 00:05:44,499 --> 00:05:47,809 He was dead on arrival? I see. Thanks. 73 00:05:49,659 --> 00:05:53,208 - Bad news, Bernard? - Yes... and no. 74 00:05:53,379 --> 00:05:57,088 Your predecessor, the previous Prime Minster of Great Britain, 75 00:05:57,259 --> 00:05:59,648 has just died of a heart attack. 76 00:06:09,659 --> 00:06:12,014 - Tragic. - Tragic. 77 00:06:12,739 --> 00:06:14,934 - He was a great man. - Great man. 78 00:06:15,099 --> 00:06:17,613 - He'll be sorely missed. - Sorely missed. 79 00:06:17,779 --> 00:06:20,930 - So will his memoirs. - Which will never be finished. 80 00:06:21,099 --> 00:06:23,488 - Alas. - Alas. 81 00:06:25,699 --> 00:06:30,693 Apparently, just before the end, he expressed a hope that he might have a state funeral. 82 00:06:30,859 --> 00:06:36,058 - But in view of your wish to pay him no... - No, you must have misunderstood me. 83 00:06:36,219 --> 00:06:41,498 - Many people will want to attend his funeral. - To pay tribute to a great Prime Minister? 84 00:06:41,659 --> 00:06:43,377 Yeah... 85 00:06:43,539 --> 00:06:45,928 ...and to make sure he's dead. 86 00:06:48,139 --> 00:06:52,735 Seven Commonwealth Prime Ministers, the American Vice President, 87 00:06:52,899 --> 00:06:55,094 six European Prime Ministers. 88 00:06:55,259 --> 00:06:57,819 - Pretty good. - Very good, Prime Minister. 89 00:06:57,979 --> 00:07:01,176 - I am the host. - Yes, indeed. 90 00:07:01,339 --> 00:07:04,968 Amongst all the world's leaders, centre of the world stage. 91 00:07:05,139 --> 00:07:09,291 - Bearing your grief with dignity and fortitude. - Quite. 92 00:07:10,619 --> 00:07:13,929 Dignified grief goes down very well with the voters, 93 00:07:14,099 --> 00:07:17,091 especially when it's shared by world statesmen. 94 00:07:17,259 --> 00:07:19,648 It's a wonderful thing, death. 95 00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:25,495 So uncontroversial. What's this query against the French Prime Minister? 96 00:07:25,659 --> 00:07:28,412 The French ambassador's coming to see you. 97 00:07:28,579 --> 00:07:31,047 Plenty of room for TV cameras. 98 00:07:31,219 --> 00:07:34,894 Outside No.10, outside the abbey, inside the abbey. 99 00:07:35,059 --> 00:07:37,414 One pointing directly at my pew. 100 00:07:37,579 --> 00:07:42,369 Um... wouldn't that mean putting the cameraman in the pulpit? 101 00:07:44,499 --> 00:07:46,649 Will that be all right? 102 00:07:48,699 --> 00:07:52,248 It won't leave a lot of room for the Archbishop. 103 00:07:53,339 --> 00:07:56,251 Well... So where will he preach from? 104 00:07:59,859 --> 00:08:03,454 - He'll need to be in the pulpit. - Where will my camera be? 105 00:08:04,459 --> 00:08:09,692 There's always the high altar, but I think the Archbishop may need that as well. 106 00:08:09,859 --> 00:08:12,089 Who does he think he is? 107 00:08:13,019 --> 00:08:17,570 He thinks it's a religious ceremony. Nobody's told him it's a party political. 108 00:08:18,579 --> 00:08:22,572 - The French ambassador here, is he? - Yes, but could I have a word first? 109 00:08:22,739 --> 00:08:25,936 The French PM isn't coming. The President's coming instead. 110 00:08:26,099 --> 00:08:29,091 - President? Marvellous! - No, it's terrible! 111 00:08:29,259 --> 00:08:33,650 When the Queen visited France, she presented him with a Labrador puppy. 112 00:08:33,819 --> 00:08:36,811 - Now he's bringing her one of its puppies. - No! 113 00:08:36,979 --> 00:08:39,095 - Afraid so. - I knew it! 114 00:08:39,259 --> 00:08:43,650 - It seems to be rather a nice gesture. - It's a gesture, but hardly a nice one. 115 00:08:43,819 --> 00:08:46,014 - Why not? - She'll have to refuse it. 116 00:08:46,179 --> 00:08:48,374 - Why? - Quarantine! 117 00:08:48,539 --> 00:08:52,817 You can't import dogs! It'll have to spend six months in quarantine. 118 00:08:52,979 --> 00:08:55,777 The French will understand, won't they? 119 00:08:55,939 --> 00:09:00,410 They'll understand it privately, but they'll refuse to understand it officially. 120 00:09:00,579 --> 00:09:03,457 The Foreign Office must sort it out. Get Peter. 121 00:09:03,619 --> 00:09:09,649 Humphrey, they're creating a diplomatic incident so they can get their own way over the tunnel. 122 00:09:10,739 --> 00:09:13,731 Of course, Prime Minister! 123 00:09:14,899 --> 00:09:17,094 - Peter, you've heard the news? - Yes. 124 00:09:17,259 --> 00:09:19,489 - What are we going to do? - I don't know. 125 00:09:19,659 --> 00:09:21,889 You're my Foreign Affairs Secretary. 126 00:09:22,059 --> 00:09:25,415 Yes, but the Home Office is responsible for quarantine. 127 00:09:25,579 --> 00:09:28,810 Get Graham. Can't you get them to withdraw this gift? 128 00:09:28,979 --> 00:09:34,292 We've suggested a painting of the puppy, a bronze, a porcelain model. Not a hope. 129 00:09:34,459 --> 00:09:37,451 - Couldn't you get them to stuff it? - Well... 130 00:09:37,619 --> 00:09:40,087 Oh, taxidermy. No, no chance. 131 00:09:40,259 --> 00:09:44,457 Tell the Home Office they must find a way round quarantine regulations. 132 00:09:44,619 --> 00:09:47,531 - Out of the question. - What do you mean? 133 00:09:47,699 --> 00:09:52,489 We enforce them vigorously with all British citizens and foreign nationals. 134 00:09:52,659 --> 00:09:56,254 Also the Quarantine Act is signed by the Queen. 135 00:09:56,419 --> 00:10:00,128 She can't be the only one to break her own laws. Out of the question. 136 00:10:01,099 --> 00:10:05,217 - The French ambassador's here. - Ask him to wait for a moment. 137 00:10:05,379 --> 00:10:09,577 Get back to the Foreign Office. Say we've got to find a way round this. 138 00:10:09,739 --> 00:10:15,848 Keep in touch with Bernard. Bernard, liaise with the palace. Humphrey, coordinate it all. 139 00:10:16,019 --> 00:10:19,534 - I'll set up an operations room. - Anything else we ought to do? 140 00:10:19,699 --> 00:10:25,296 - I think you should see the ambassador now. - OK, wheel him in. Don't you go, Humphrey! 141 00:10:25,459 --> 00:10:29,771 - Do I need any papers? - No, just a sponge and a towel. 142 00:10:29,939 --> 00:10:33,648 - His Excellency, the French ambassador. - Excellency. 143 00:10:33,819 --> 00:10:37,607 - You're most kind to give me your time. - Enchanté. 144 00:10:39,899 --> 00:10:43,608 You're anxious to finalise the agreement for the tunnel? 145 00:10:43,779 --> 00:10:46,339 Very much so. In fact... 146 00:10:46,499 --> 00:10:50,208 - There's no real hurry. It would be nice if... - Quite. 147 00:10:50,379 --> 00:10:54,167 My government feels that if we took advantage of the funeral... 148 00:10:54,339 --> 00:10:59,049 - My condolences, by the way. A tragic loss. - Oh, tragic, tragic. 149 00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:04,337 If we took advantage of the funeral for you and our President to speak... 150 00:11:04,499 --> 00:11:10,256 Of course, I will be host to a large number of distinguished people. It may not be easy. 151 00:11:10,419 --> 00:11:13,172 You do not wish to speak to our President? 152 00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:18,174 Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course. Well, yes... and no. 153 00:11:18,339 --> 00:11:21,058 Speak, yes, of course, but negotiate... 154 00:11:21,219 --> 00:11:27,533 Don't you think these quarrels between friends are best resolved by just talking together? 155 00:11:27,699 --> 00:11:30,259 Between friends, yes. 156 00:11:30,419 --> 00:11:35,174 Otherwise the President may be hurt. Not personally, but as a snub to France. 157 00:11:35,339 --> 00:11:37,614 No intention. Great friends. 158 00:11:37,779 --> 00:11:42,807 Excellent. The second point is the security of our embassy during the visit. 159 00:11:42,979 --> 00:11:45,209 Yes, everything's in hand. 160 00:11:45,379 --> 00:11:49,975 My government requests that the French police be permitted to guard the embassy. 161 00:11:50,139 --> 00:11:54,178 - French police? No, that's not possible. - It is surely not impossible? 162 00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:59,333 - Don't you trust the British police? - We make no comment on the British police. 163 00:11:59,499 --> 00:12:04,368 But our President would be happier if the French police were in charge. 164 00:12:04,539 --> 00:12:09,897 The problem, Excellency, is that there are well over a hundred embassies in London. 165 00:12:10,059 --> 00:12:14,849 No doubt they'd all want their own police. Most of them would carry machine guns. 166 00:12:15,019 --> 00:12:18,409 Her Majesty's government is not... totally convinced 167 00:12:18,579 --> 00:12:21,571 that that would make London a safer place. 168 00:12:22,379 --> 00:12:25,416 My government will be most disappointed. 169 00:12:26,419 --> 00:12:29,217 But now I can turn to a happy matter. 170 00:12:29,379 --> 00:12:35,249 Our President will be bringing a little present which he will be presenting to Her Majesty. 171 00:12:35,419 --> 00:12:40,732 - How charming. - A little puppy. Her name is Cocotte. 172 00:12:41,739 --> 00:12:43,536 Cocotte. 173 00:12:44,779 --> 00:12:50,376 She comes from the litter of the same Labrador that Her Majesty presented to the President 174 00:12:50,539 --> 00:12:54,054 on her last state visit to France. 175 00:12:55,059 --> 00:12:58,096 Let him know the arrangements for the presentation. 176 00:12:58,259 --> 00:13:03,697 Oh, delightful thought. The presentation won't be possible for another six months. 177 00:13:03,859 --> 00:13:06,657 - Our quarantine laws. - Absurd. 178 00:13:06,819 --> 00:13:11,609 Your Queen gave her dog during her visit. Why can our President not do the same? 179 00:13:11,779 --> 00:13:15,533 Delightful thought, nothing we'd rather... but the law is the law. 180 00:13:15,699 --> 00:13:21,331 - Surely it exists to exclude infected animals? - Er... yes. 181 00:13:21,499 --> 00:13:26,493 Do you suggest the President of France would present the Queen of England 182 00:13:26,659 --> 00:13:28,854 with a diseased puppy? 183 00:13:29,859 --> 00:13:32,453 - No, no, no... - Then it is settled. 184 00:13:32,619 --> 00:13:36,976 No, it is not. Suggest to your President that he brings a different gift. 185 00:13:37,139 --> 00:13:40,575 Out of the question. Were it the President alone, perhaps. 186 00:13:40,739 --> 00:13:46,177 The President's wife, our first lady, has set her heart on it. She is determined. 187 00:13:46,339 --> 00:13:49,536 We'll make every effort, but it may not be possible. 188 00:13:49,699 --> 00:13:54,489 I cannot tell you the gravity of the affront my government would feel 189 00:13:54,659 --> 00:14:00,450 if Her Majesty were to refuse a gift in exchange for the one our President accepted from her. 190 00:14:00,619 --> 00:14:05,613 I fear it would be interpreted as both a national and a personal affront 191 00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:07,770 to the President and his wife. 192 00:14:08,579 --> 00:14:13,972 Excellency, you must ask the President not to bring that bitch with him. 193 00:14:16,139 --> 00:14:18,937 No, no, the puppy. 194 00:14:19,099 --> 00:14:21,090 I meant the puppy. 195 00:14:23,819 --> 00:14:25,810 We have to lay on visits for the wives. 196 00:14:25,979 --> 00:14:29,176 The Foreign Office like it. Keeps them out of the way. 197 00:14:29,339 --> 00:14:32,331 - Why can't they be with their husbands? - They're busy. 198 00:14:32,499 --> 00:14:35,969 - Only at the funeral. - They're not coming for the funeral. 199 00:14:36,139 --> 00:14:40,291 They're coming here for the politics. This is a working funeral. 200 00:14:40,459 --> 00:14:45,408 At that funeral in Norway, we were all so busy, the French, Germans and I, 201 00:14:45,579 --> 00:14:48,730 talking about quotas, we forgot to go to the cathedral. 202 00:14:48,899 --> 00:14:53,290 - Did they notice? - They noticed, all right. We got there late. 203 00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:57,452 Blamed security. You can blame security for anything nowadays. 204 00:14:57,619 --> 00:15:02,329 - So this funeral will be a sort of summit. - Yes. It's a heaven-sent opportunity. 205 00:15:02,499 --> 00:15:05,297 - Literally. - Yes. 206 00:15:05,459 --> 00:15:08,769 Better than a summit because there are no expectations. 207 00:15:08,939 --> 00:15:13,933 People don't expect leaders to come back with test-ban agreements or quota reductions, 208 00:15:14,099 --> 00:15:17,296 so we can have some meaningful discussions. 209 00:15:17,459 --> 00:15:22,931 - A summit is just a public-relations circus. - Isn't anyone coming to pay tribute to a friend? 210 00:15:23,099 --> 00:15:28,093 A friend? If only his friends came to the abbey, we wouldn't even fill the vestry. 211 00:15:29,619 --> 00:15:34,409 He's done much more for the world by dying than he ever did in the whole of his life. 212 00:15:34,579 --> 00:15:36,570 Have you agreed the service? 213 00:15:36,739 --> 00:15:38,934 - Yeah, lots of music. - That's nice. 214 00:15:39,099 --> 00:15:43,490 Mm, you can have useful discussions when the organ's playing. 215 00:15:43,659 --> 00:15:47,288 - Have to shut up for the lesson. - What about the sermon? 216 00:15:47,459 --> 00:15:50,212 That's when you catch up on jet lag. 217 00:15:51,699 --> 00:15:54,418 This funeral's come at the right moment. 218 00:15:54,579 --> 00:15:58,891 We've all sorts to discuss - about NATO, the Warsaw Pact, the Middle East. 219 00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:01,493 And what if you don't sort it all out? 220 00:16:01,659 --> 00:16:06,653 We'll just have to hope that before too long somebody else important snuffs it. 221 00:16:07,739 --> 00:16:09,730 I've spoken to the Home Office. 222 00:16:09,899 --> 00:16:14,689 They say there's no grounds to pass an act to allow this dog into Britain. 223 00:16:14,859 --> 00:16:17,453 I know an enabling act can enable anything, 224 00:16:17,619 --> 00:16:21,737 but the PM feels it would merely enable him to lose the next election. 225 00:16:21,899 --> 00:16:28,338 Have you thought of turning Buckingham Palace into a quarantine zone for dogs? Just a thought. 226 00:16:28,499 --> 00:16:30,649 - What about the corgis? - (PHONE) 227 00:16:30,819 --> 00:16:35,813 Hang on. Graham, check with the palace that Her Majesty's not been told officially 228 00:16:35,979 --> 00:16:39,972 that this gift's been proposed, then she can't be implicated in refusing it. 229 00:16:40,139 --> 00:16:42,858 Yes, we will want simultaneous translators. 230 00:16:43,019 --> 00:16:48,013 Er, no, not when the PM meets the leaders of English-speaking nations. 231 00:16:48,179 --> 00:16:51,967 - (PHONE) - Yes, they can be said to include the US... 232 00:16:53,179 --> 00:16:56,171 ...with a certain generosity of spirit. Got to go. 233 00:16:56,339 --> 00:17:00,730 Yes, 10 Prime Ministers are flying in today. Special Branch are going crazy. 234 00:17:00,899 --> 00:17:04,892 So is the Royal Marines band who play all the national anthems. 235 00:17:05,059 --> 00:17:09,575 - I see. Argentina's not coming. A bit of luck. - Because of the Falklands? 236 00:17:09,739 --> 00:17:13,732 No, because their anthem goes on for about six minutes. 237 00:17:13,899 --> 00:17:16,891 I know you're worried about this dog. So am I. 238 00:17:17,059 --> 00:17:22,179 Talk to our ambassador in Paris. See if he can think of a way to nobble it. 239 00:17:22,339 --> 00:17:25,331 You know, slip it something. 240 00:17:25,499 --> 00:17:29,651 See if the Bulgarians have got any spare umbrella tips. 241 00:17:29,819 --> 00:17:36,258 If we made the palace an extension of the French embassy, the dog would be on foreign territory. 242 00:17:36,419 --> 00:17:39,411 The PM is fighting for the sovereignty of the tunnel. 243 00:17:39,579 --> 00:17:42,616 - (PHONE) - How would he feel about palace sovereignty? 244 00:17:42,779 --> 00:17:48,490 How do you think the sovereign would feel? No, we can't have alphabetical seating in the abbey. 245 00:17:48,659 --> 00:17:51,696 You'd have Iraq and Iran next to each other. 246 00:17:53,499 --> 00:17:57,333 Plus Israel and Jordan all sitting in the same pew. 247 00:17:57,499 --> 00:18:00,696 We'd be in danger of starting World War III. 248 00:18:00,859 --> 00:18:05,057 I know Ireland begins with an I, but it doesn't make it any better. 249 00:18:05,219 --> 00:18:08,211 Ireland doesn't make anything any better. 250 00:18:08,379 --> 00:18:14,170 If the papal envoy says, "We desire to wash our hands", it means he wants a pee. 251 00:18:14,339 --> 00:18:18,173 Yes, a royal "we", followed by a royal flush. 252 00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:21,334 Watch out for the South Africans. 253 00:18:21,499 --> 00:18:25,811 - Problems with human rights? - No, they're trying to unload grapefruit. 254 00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:29,767 The palace wants to know if there's a problem about the red carpets. 255 00:18:29,939 --> 00:18:34,615 The Ivory Coast wishes to award Her Majesty with the Order of the Elephant. 256 00:18:34,779 --> 00:18:38,772 Hang on. We can't have another animal, especially an elephant. 257 00:18:38,939 --> 00:18:42,409 Whitehall, the Home Office, Foreign Office, the DHSS, 258 00:18:42,579 --> 00:18:47,095 have been tied up with one puppy for nearly a week! No elephants! 259 00:18:47,259 --> 00:18:52,094 The mode of address to a Cypriot archbishop is not Your Ecstasy, it's Your Beatitude. 260 00:18:52,259 --> 00:18:55,649 - (BUZZER) - For God's sake, what is it... 261 00:18:55,819 --> 00:18:58,970 Oh, sorry, Prime Minister. I'll come in straight away. 262 00:19:05,899 --> 00:19:09,448 - What on earth is that? - The Channel Tunnel file. 263 00:19:09,619 --> 00:19:12,816 - No, no, the other one. - That's the puppy file. 264 00:19:15,179 --> 00:19:19,570 - Where have we got to? - It weighed in at three and a half pounds. 265 00:19:19,739 --> 00:19:22,094 - The puppy? - No, the file. 266 00:19:22,259 --> 00:19:24,978 - What's happening? - We've told the French 267 00:19:25,139 --> 00:19:29,257 that airport security will have to keep the puppy in quarantine. 268 00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:31,410 - What do they say? - No reply yet. 269 00:19:31,579 --> 00:19:35,811 It is on the route from the palace to Windsor, so the Queen could visit it. 270 00:19:35,979 --> 00:19:41,576 - Can you visit quarantined dogs? - Well, if she can't, she can sort of wave to it. 271 00:19:43,539 --> 00:19:47,134 - What do you think they'll do? - Threaten to publish the story 272 00:19:47,299 --> 00:19:49,335 if we don't give in on the tunnel. 273 00:19:49,499 --> 00:19:53,094 - I have urgent news. - I hope it's good news. 274 00:19:53,259 --> 00:19:56,854 Yes and no. The police found a bomb in the French embassy grounds. 275 00:19:57,499 --> 00:20:01,697 - What?! Who put it there? - We don't know yet. 276 00:20:01,859 --> 00:20:05,568 - Lots of people could have a motive. - Me, for a start. 277 00:20:06,819 --> 00:20:09,617 It's a good thing we found it... I suppose. 278 00:20:09,779 --> 00:20:14,091 The other news is worse. The President is not flying in for the funeral. 279 00:20:14,259 --> 00:20:18,457 - That's marvellous! - He's not flying, he's driving! Secretly! 280 00:20:18,619 --> 00:20:22,328 - The plane is just going to be a decoy. - Good idea. 281 00:20:22,499 --> 00:20:25,889 - A brilliant idea! He can bring the puppy! - No! 282 00:20:26,059 --> 00:20:30,655 Are you prepared to give permission for his car to be stopped and searched? 283 00:20:30,819 --> 00:20:35,097 Will you violate their diplomatic immunity and search the diplomatic bag? 284 00:20:35,259 --> 00:20:39,730 - Even they wouldn't put a puppy in a bag. - It'd be a doggy bag. 285 00:20:42,739 --> 00:20:45,731 If we found it, that'd put the cat among the pigeons. 286 00:20:45,899 --> 00:20:48,618 Let the dog out of the bag. 287 00:20:48,779 --> 00:20:53,648 - But just suppose it wasn't there? - Yeah. I can't take the risk. 288 00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:57,209 If it was there, they'll drive into the French embassy 289 00:20:57,379 --> 00:21:02,169 and that puppy will be on French territory here, right in the middle of London! 290 00:21:02,339 --> 00:21:06,332 - Hanging over our heads. - Better pray it's house-trained. 291 00:21:16,939 --> 00:21:20,727 I'm so sorry, would you excuse the Prime Minister? 292 00:21:21,859 --> 00:21:26,057 We have a problem. Have you spoken to the French President yet? 293 00:21:26,219 --> 00:21:29,291 - A couple of well-chosen words. - What, precisely? 294 00:21:29,459 --> 00:21:31,450 Bonsoir, actually. 295 00:21:32,379 --> 00:21:36,577 You can't put it off. It'll be one more thing for him to take offence at. 296 00:21:36,739 --> 00:21:38,730 He can't be that easily offended, can he? 297 00:21:38,899 --> 00:21:42,687 No, but in exchange for dropping this dog nonsense, 298 00:21:42,859 --> 00:21:46,408 they want sovereignty over the tunnel from the three-mile limit. 299 00:21:46,579 --> 00:21:48,809 - Absurd. - That's the negotiating position. 300 00:21:48,979 --> 00:21:52,972 They'll concede to a 50-50 split midway across the Channel 301 00:21:53,139 --> 00:21:58,930 if we agree to French as the first language on all signs, information, menus, everything. 302 00:21:59,099 --> 00:22:02,091 - French comes before English. - Must I concede? 303 00:22:02,259 --> 00:22:06,457 - If you want your foundation-stone ceremony. - All right. Where is he? 304 00:22:06,619 --> 00:22:10,817 Mrs Hacker, have you met Monsieur Berenger from UNESCO? 305 00:22:10,979 --> 00:22:14,289 Such a good funeral. Much better than Andropov's. 306 00:22:14,459 --> 00:22:17,849 - That was gloomy. - So glad you're enjoying it. 307 00:22:18,019 --> 00:22:22,012 - Prime Minister, got a minute? - The American Vice President. 308 00:22:22,179 --> 00:22:26,377 I was talking to the Soviets. Gromyko's got a great Polish joke. 309 00:22:26,539 --> 00:22:29,770 - What is it? - Jaruzelski! (LAUGHS LOUDLY) 310 00:22:33,059 --> 00:22:37,849 Commissioner... can I introduce you to Monsieur Berenger from UNESCO? 311 00:22:38,019 --> 00:22:41,614 UNESCO? Ah, yes. Gallant little country. 312 00:22:43,619 --> 00:22:47,692 - Ah, Sir Humphrey! - You remember the Soviet ambassador. 313 00:22:47,859 --> 00:22:53,013 You know, the death of the past Prime Minister is a very sad occasion. 314 00:22:53,179 --> 00:22:57,775 - Oh, yes, yes, very sad... - But it is no loss for Britain. 315 00:22:59,219 --> 00:23:02,529 - You know what his trouble was? - Hm? 316 00:23:02,699 --> 00:23:06,169 He had plenty here, plenty here... 317 00:23:06,339 --> 00:23:08,375 ...but nothing here! - Ahh! 318 00:23:10,619 --> 00:23:12,052 Yes, Bernard? 319 00:23:12,219 --> 00:23:15,211 Forgive me, I must talk to our French friends. 320 00:23:15,379 --> 00:23:18,815 I did want to talk to you about the NATO bases in Germany. 321 00:23:18,979 --> 00:23:22,574 - Tomorrow, Westminster Abbey. - You got a deal. 322 00:23:22,739 --> 00:23:26,857 - You need to see this security file. - I'm about to talk to the President. 323 00:23:27,019 --> 00:23:29,010 You should see this file first. 324 00:23:29,179 --> 00:23:32,854 That bomb in the French embassy was planted by the French police. 325 00:23:33,019 --> 00:23:35,817 You're not serious? Why? 326 00:23:35,979 --> 00:23:41,576 - To catch us out, prove our security inefficient. - Smuggling explosives into the UK? 327 00:23:41,739 --> 00:23:43,730 - Correct. - Got proof? 328 00:23:43,899 --> 00:23:48,211 - We found a detonator in their hotel. - This is wonderful! 329 00:23:48,379 --> 00:23:54,090 Give me two minutes alone with the President. When I give you a signal, bring that file in. 330 00:23:54,259 --> 00:23:56,409 What will the signal be? 331 00:23:56,579 --> 00:23:58,058 Um... 332 00:24:02,659 --> 00:24:06,254 I'm so sorry, Monsieur le President. I'm sure he's just coming. 333 00:24:06,419 --> 00:24:09,729 Monsieur le President... the tunnel. 334 00:24:09,899 --> 00:24:15,610 Indeed, but first of all, can we clear up this misunderstanding about the puppy 335 00:24:15,779 --> 00:24:18,532 which I am presenting to Her Majesty tomorrow? 336 00:24:18,699 --> 00:24:22,248 I'm very sorry, but I can't ask her to break the law. 337 00:24:22,419 --> 00:24:27,732 I do not want the Queen to break the law. I merely ask the Prime Minister to bend it. 338 00:24:27,899 --> 00:24:31,494 I'm deeply sorry. If I possibly could. 339 00:24:31,659 --> 00:24:36,653 If the French people learn of this rejection, a national slap in the face... 340 00:24:37,659 --> 00:24:41,493 - The tunnel. - The tunnel? You make it difficult for me. 341 00:24:41,659 --> 00:24:45,129 The French will not accept a second slap in the face 342 00:24:45,299 --> 00:24:51,295 and you are rejecting our very reasonable proposal for French sovereignty as far as Dover. 343 00:24:51,459 --> 00:24:54,019 However, setting that to one side, 344 00:24:54,179 --> 00:24:59,207 there is the question of which shall be la langue de préférence, the first language. 345 00:24:59,379 --> 00:25:03,975 Sir Humphrey, I have just seen this order of service for tomorrow. 346 00:25:04,139 --> 00:25:06,892 It is deeply embarrassing. This hymn. 347 00:25:07,899 --> 00:25:12,450 "On Jordan's Bank, The Baptist's Cry"? Why? 348 00:25:12,619 --> 00:25:16,817 Don't you know the Jordan Bank went bust yesterday? 349 00:25:18,019 --> 00:25:23,173 Surely, if we have half the signs in French first and half the signs in English... 350 00:25:24,179 --> 00:25:27,171 ...that's fair? - It's not logical. 351 00:25:28,179 --> 00:25:32,457 - Does logic matter? - Does law matter? 352 00:25:32,619 --> 00:25:37,215 Yes. Britain is the only country in Europe still... free of rabies. 353 00:25:38,819 --> 00:25:41,697 Bernard will handle this for you. Bernard... 354 00:25:43,499 --> 00:25:49,335 Monsieur le President, will you forgive me? Prime Minister, I think you ought to see this. 355 00:25:50,659 --> 00:25:53,253 No, I don't believe it! 356 00:25:54,499 --> 00:25:58,208 Mr President, I shall have to ask you to explain this. 357 00:26:00,619 --> 00:26:05,090 I need hardly say how grave this matter is. 358 00:26:05,259 --> 00:26:09,298 Prime Minister, I ask you to believe I had no knowledge of this. 359 00:26:09,459 --> 00:26:12,895 An attempt by a guest to deceive our government? 360 00:26:13,059 --> 00:26:15,414 Smuggling explosives into the UK? 361 00:26:15,579 --> 00:26:21,848 You must know that the French government never knows what French security are doing. 362 00:26:22,859 --> 00:26:27,011 - You can't take responsibility for them? - That's not what I mean. 363 00:26:27,179 --> 00:26:30,376 If this report is true, accept my profound regrets. 364 00:26:30,539 --> 00:26:34,737 - It's true enough, I'm afraid. - Thank you, Prime Minister. 365 00:26:34,899 --> 00:26:39,370 It makes it so difficult for the Prime Minister... over the Channel Tunnel. 366 00:26:39,539 --> 00:26:43,532 After news of this bomb, the British will want to make few concessions. 367 00:26:43,699 --> 00:26:46,896 They won't know whether it's safe to... go through. 368 00:26:47,059 --> 00:26:50,495 - It could be full of official French bombs. - Absolument. 369 00:26:51,539 --> 00:26:54,929 Of course, in the interests of Anglo-French friendship, 370 00:26:55,099 --> 00:26:58,489 we could overlook the crimes of your security men. 371 00:26:58,659 --> 00:27:03,050 I suppose... sovereignty halfway across? 372 00:27:03,219 --> 00:27:06,017 I'll just write that down, if I may. 373 00:27:06,859 --> 00:27:11,410 Half the signs in English first and the ceremony in two months... in Dover. 374 00:27:12,299 --> 00:27:18,090 As an expression of the enduring warmth and trust between our two countries. 375 00:27:18,899 --> 00:27:21,697 Let us have a draft communiqué tomorrow. 376 00:27:21,859 --> 00:27:24,009 Mais oui, Prime Minister.