1 00:00:46,927 --> 00:00:49,761 We can't be accused of wasting money? 2 00:00:49,927 --> 00:00:53,681 - Absolutely. - We are taking the smallest delegation? 3 00:00:53,847 --> 00:00:56,964 - Absolutely. Pared to the bone. - Who are all those people? 4 00:01:01,047 --> 00:01:04,483 - Our delegation. - You said it’d been pared to the bone. 5 00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:06,956 - So it has. - Who are they? 6 00:01:07,127 --> 00:01:11,439 A small delegation from the Foreign and Commonwealth Office. 7 00:01:11,607 --> 00:01:15,600 - But this is a DAA mission. - Yes, well, we are gong abroad. 8 00:01:15,767 --> 00:01:17,758 Foreign policy is at stake. 9 00:01:17,927 --> 00:01:19,758 We're gong to ratify a contract 10 00:01:19,927 --> 00:01:22,919 for one of the biggest export orders Britain’s ever obtained. 11 00:01:23,087 --> 00:01:26,682 That was negotiated by British Electronic Systems. 12 00:01:26,847 --> 00:01:29,361 Who are all these civil servants? 13 00:01:29,527 --> 00:01:33,520 There's a delegation from Trade and one from industry. 14 00:01:33,687 --> 00:01:37,316 There's a group from Energy. We are gong to an oil sheikdom. 15 00:01:37,487 --> 00:01:40,957 There's a Deputy Secretary leading a team from the Cabinet Office. 16 00:01:41,127 --> 00:01:43,687 There's a group from the Central Office of Information, 17 00:01:43,847 --> 00:01:46,315 and there's our DAA team. 18 00:01:46,487 --> 00:01:50,196 Press secretaries, private secretaries, liaison secretaries. 19 00:01:50,367 --> 00:01:54,360 The legal department who did the contract, those who supervised it. 20 00:01:54,527 --> 00:01:56,597 - Pared to the bone? - To the bone. 21 00:01:56,767 --> 00:02:00,760 If we'd met in Middlesbrough, we'd have only taken seven people. 22 00:02:00,927 --> 00:02:05,955 Well, Teesside is perhaps not quite so diplomatically significant as kumran. 23 00:02:06,127 --> 00:02:10,564 - Teesside returns four MPs. - Kumran controls Shell and BP. 24 00:02:13,087 --> 00:02:17,080 - What are you doling here? - Purely my sense of duty-free. 25 00:02:17,247 --> 00:02:18,646 Duty-free? 26 00:02:18,807 --> 00:02:23,164 Er... duty, free from any personal consideration. 27 00:02:23,327 --> 00:02:25,887 - Look through this. - What is it? 28 00:02:26,047 --> 00:02:28,481 - it’s the final communiqué. - The final? 29 00:02:28,647 --> 00:02:31,036 You can't write it before the meeting! 30 00:02:31,207 --> 00:02:34,995 On the contrary, you can't write it after the meeting. 31 00:02:35,167 --> 00:02:37,840 We had to get agreement from other departments, 32 00:02:38,007 --> 00:02:40,840 the EEC, Washington, the kumrani Embassy. 33 00:02:41,007 --> 00:02:43,202 You can't do that in the desert. 34 00:02:43,367 --> 00:02:45,517 It may bear no relation to what we say. 35 00:02:45,687 --> 00:02:49,043 No communiqué ever bears any relation to what you say. 36 00:02:49,207 --> 00:02:53,200 - Then why have one? - It gets you past the press corps. 37 00:02:53,367 --> 00:02:57,758 The journalists need to justly their huge expenses for a futile non-event. 38 00:02:57,927 --> 00:03:01,761 - Non-event? - A brilliant triumph for you, Minister. 39 00:03:01,927 --> 00:03:05,203 Which is why it’s a futile non-event for the press. 40 00:03:05,367 --> 00:03:08,643 They'd like me to get drunk at the reception. 41 00:03:08,807 --> 00:03:12,277 Yes. Not much hope of that. Kumran is dry. 42 00:03:12,447 --> 00:03:16,235 Yeah. Well, of course, It is in the middle of the desert. 43 00:03:18,967 --> 00:03:22,277 - You mean... Islamic law - Alas, yes. 44 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,676 We can get a drink at the British Embassy? 45 00:03:26,847 --> 00:03:30,806 Yes. But the reception and the dinner are at the palace. 46 00:03:30,967 --> 00:03:32,798 Five hours of orange juice. 47 00:03:33,807 --> 00:03:36,526 Five hours? Without a single drinky 48 00:03:38,047 --> 00:03:40,481 Why did you let me come on this trip? 49 00:03:40,647 --> 00:03:43,036 What are we gong to do? Hip flasks? 50 00:03:43,207 --> 00:03:46,643 No, much too risky. We have to grin and bear it. 51 00:03:47,647 --> 00:03:50,639 Why don’t we set up a security communications room 52 00:03:50,807 --> 00:03:52,479 next door to the reception? 53 00:03:52,647 --> 00:03:56,435 You know, emergency telephones, telex lines to Downing Street. 54 00:03:56,607 --> 00:04:00,600 Then we could fill it with booze brought in from the Embassy. 55 00:04:00,767 --> 00:04:03,201 - Minister! - Liven up the orange juice! 56 00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:07,045 That is a... stroke of genius! 57 00:04:08,287 --> 00:04:13,077 - Could it be done? - Such a room would need a major crisis. 58 00:04:13,247 --> 00:04:15,841 Five hours on orange juice Is a major crisis. 59 00:04:16,007 --> 00:04:18,805 - The pound is under pressure. - Could you arrange it? 60 00:04:18,967 --> 00:04:23,802 If those are your instructions, I can guarantee enthusiastic support. 61 00:04:43,047 --> 00:04:44,844 Most awfully generous of you 62 00:04:45,007 --> 00:04:47,805 to present me with this very splendid gift. 63 00:04:47,967 --> 00:04:51,403 It is a great pleasure to commemorate this day. 64 00:04:51,567 --> 00:04:52,920 It's so beautiful! 65 00:04:53,087 --> 00:04:58,115 A magnificent example of 17th-century Islamic art. 66 00:04:58,287 --> 00:05:01,120 - What was it originally? - A rosewater jar. 67 00:05:01,287 --> 00:05:06,315 - I see. For rosewater, presumably? - Quite so. 68 00:05:06,487 --> 00:05:11,481 There's an urgent call for you in the communications room. A Mr Haig. 69 00:05:16,087 --> 00:05:17,839 General Haig? 70 00:05:18,847 --> 00:05:21,759 No, Mr. Haig. You know, with the dlmples. 71 00:05:22,767 --> 00:05:26,077 Yes, yes. Do excuse me. Most important. 72 00:05:33,207 --> 00:05:36,995 - I believe there's a message from Mr Haig. - Yes, Minister. 73 00:05:47,487 --> 00:05:50,206 - I'm the only woman here. - Special dispensation. 74 00:05:50,367 --> 00:05:53,564 They've made you an honorary man for the evening. 75 00:05:53,727 --> 00:05:57,925 - This will look wonderful on our hall table. - Mrs Hacker, I'm not sure lf... 76 00:05:58,087 --> 00:06:01,045 - If what? - it’s a gift to the minister. 77 00:06:01,207 --> 00:06:02,799 It's his hall, too. 78 00:06:02,967 --> 00:06:06,676 - I don't think you'll be allowed to keep it. - Why ever not? 79 00:06:06,847 --> 00:06:11,045 It could be thought, if it were valuable, It could influence some ministers. 80 00:06:11,207 --> 00:06:15,758 Not your minister, that is, my minister, our minister. Your husband, as it were. 81 00:06:15,927 --> 00:06:20,717 As it is, in fact. I mean, he is. I mean... Well, some ministers... 82 00:06:20,887 --> 00:06:23,276 - Bernard. - Sorry. 83 00:06:23,447 --> 00:06:27,440 - Are you saying we have to give it back? - No, that'd be an insult. 84 00:06:27,607 --> 00:06:31,680 - We can't give it back. What do I do? - It becomes government property. 85 00:06:31,847 --> 00:06:35,681 - it’s put in a basement in Whitehall. - You sure we can't keep it? 86 00:06:35,847 --> 00:06:39,442 - Not if it’s worth more than 50. - How do we find out? 87 00:06:39,607 --> 00:06:42,599 - You get a valuation. - Could you get a valuation? 88 00:06:42,767 --> 00:06:48,444 Wouldn't it be wonderful if it was less than 50? Because it’s awfully pretty. 89 00:06:49,047 --> 00:06:50,241 Well, I... 90 00:06:52,327 --> 00:06:55,524 - I suppose I could try. - Oh, Bernard, you are wonderful! 91 00:06:55,687 --> 00:06:57,678 What would we do without you? 92 00:06:59,447 --> 00:07:02,837 Bernard. Wanted in the communications room. 93 00:07:03,007 --> 00:07:04,998 A Mr John Walker. 94 00:07:08,327 --> 00:07:12,320 - Johnnie Walker? - Yes, from the Scotch Office... Sorry. 95 00:07:14,447 --> 00:07:17,245 - Scottish Office. - Isn't there a message for me? 96 00:07:17,407 --> 00:07:18,442 Yes, of course. 97 00:07:18,607 --> 00:07:22,600 Bernard will get it for you if you give him your glass. If you... 98 00:07:22,767 --> 00:07:26,919 give him your glass, he'll get you some more orange juice. 99 00:07:27,087 --> 00:07:30,284 - Is Humphrey here yet? - Yes, he's just over here. 100 00:07:30,447 --> 00:07:32,039 Excuse me. 101 00:07:32,207 --> 00:07:33,845 Excuse me. 102 00:07:36,727 --> 00:07:40,481 - Minister. - What on earth? 103 00:07:40,647 --> 00:07:45,084 Traditional Foreign Office courtesy to our Arab hosts, isn’t that right? 104 00:07:45,247 --> 00:07:49,240 Spot on, Humpy. Isn't that right, Your Royal Highness? 105 00:07:49,407 --> 00:07:52,717 Yes, we regard it as a warm and gracious compliment. 106 00:07:52,887 --> 00:07:56,084 May I present our minister? This is Prince Mohammed. 107 00:07:56,247 --> 00:07:59,444 - How do you do? - Pleased to meet you, Your Excellency. 108 00:07:59,607 --> 00:08:02,201 Excellency! I say, if you'll excuse me, 109 00:08:02,367 --> 00:08:05,598 I just must have a quick word with Sir Humphrey. 110 00:08:05,767 --> 00:08:09,806 I can't believe my eyes! What are you here as? All Baba? 111 00:08:10,767 --> 00:08:14,555 - Minister, when in Rome... - We are not in Rome. You look ridiculous! 112 00:08:14,727 --> 00:08:18,322 If we were in the Fiji Islands, you'd wear a grass skirt! 113 00:08:19,127 --> 00:08:22,437 The Foreign Office view, as Arabs are sensitive, 114 00:08:22,607 --> 00:08:25,679 Is we should show them whose side we're on. 115 00:08:25,847 --> 00:08:27,644 It may come as a surprise to them 116 00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:30,401 but you're supposed to be on our side! 117 00:08:31,167 --> 00:08:35,479 - Bernard, any messages? - Well, there is one for Sir Humphrey. 118 00:08:35,647 --> 00:08:36,636 Oh, good. 119 00:08:36,807 --> 00:08:39,480 The Soviet Embassy on the line. Mr Smirnoff. 120 00:08:44,687 --> 00:08:46,200 Sorry. So sorry. 121 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,518 Isn't there one for me? 122 00:08:49,687 --> 00:08:54,681 There was a message from the Embassy, the school, a delegation of Teachers. 123 00:08:54,847 --> 00:08:58,044 Ah, I must go and greet the Teachers... 124 00:08:59,047 --> 00:09:02,357 before the Bells goes... bell goes! 125 00:09:04,127 --> 00:09:08,006 You're receiving a great many very urgent messages. 126 00:09:08,167 --> 00:09:10,761 - Yes, yes, we are, aren’t we? - Excuse me. 127 00:09:10,927 --> 00:09:14,522 Your Royal Highness, could I present Mr Pennington? 128 00:09:14,687 --> 00:09:17,884 - Excuse me. - Yes, of course, Your Highness. 129 00:09:19,407 --> 00:09:22,285 Excuse me, but I could not help overhearing 130 00:09:22,447 --> 00:09:25,200 your conversation about valuing the gift. 131 00:09:25,367 --> 00:09:27,562 - Perhaps I can help. - That would be... 132 00:09:27,727 --> 00:09:30,525 - Do you have any idea how much? - Of course. 133 00:09:30,687 --> 00:09:34,236 An original 17th-century rosewater jar Is very valuable. 134 00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:37,160 - Oh, dear. - You are not pleased? 135 00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:41,684 Yes and no. If it’s valuable, the minister won't be allowed to keep it. 136 00:09:41,847 --> 00:09:44,441 I was rather hoping it wasn’t. 137 00:09:45,207 --> 00:09:46,481 As I was saying, 138 00:09:46,647 --> 00:09:50,037 an original 17th-century rosewater jar is very valuable, 139 00:09:50,207 --> 00:09:54,405 but this copy, though excellently done, Is not of the same order. 140 00:09:54,567 --> 00:09:57,718 Oh, good. About how much? 141 00:09:58,767 --> 00:10:02,521 I would be interested to hear your guess. 142 00:10:02,687 --> 00:10:06,043 Er... well, a little under... 50? 143 00:10:06,207 --> 00:10:09,756 Brilliant! Quite a connoisseur! 144 00:10:09,927 --> 00:10:11,838 And you would sign a valuation certificate? 145 00:10:12,007 --> 00:10:13,235 But of course. 146 00:10:14,567 --> 00:10:18,276 - Your English customs are very strange. - Oh, why? 147 00:10:18,447 --> 00:10:20,756 You are so strict about a gift, 148 00:10:20,927 --> 00:10:24,920 yet your electronics company pays our finance minister a million dollars 149 00:10:25,087 --> 00:10:27,078 to secure this contract. 150 00:10:27,247 --> 00:10:29,238 Is this not strange? 151 00:10:31,607 --> 00:10:33,996 - You... You don't mean... - Of course. 152 00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:37,239 I work for the minister. I got my share. 153 00:10:37,407 --> 00:10:41,036 - What for? - For keeping my mouth shut. 154 00:10:42,487 --> 00:10:45,445 I- I see. Would you excuse me For a moment? 155 00:10:47,527 --> 00:10:50,519 Minister, can I have a private word with Sir Humphrey? 156 00:10:50,687 --> 00:10:53,281 You may speak freely, Bernie. 157 00:10:53,447 --> 00:10:57,235 Yes... Oh, there was a message for you in the communications room. 158 00:10:57,407 --> 00:11:00,160 - The VAT man, your 69 returns. - What? 159 00:11:01,047 --> 00:11:02,799 VAT69. 160 00:11:04,167 --> 00:11:05,964 Yes... thanks. 161 00:11:10,607 --> 00:11:13,075 I'm rapidly coming to the conclusion 162 00:11:13,247 --> 00:11:15,044 that the minister has had 163 00:11:15,207 --> 00:11:18,199 almost as many urgent messages as he can take. 164 00:11:18,367 --> 00:11:21,962 - I've found out the most terrible thing. - Dear me. 165 00:11:22,127 --> 00:11:24,436 This contract was obtained by bribery. 166 00:11:24,607 --> 00:11:26,325 Of course. 167 00:11:27,287 --> 00:11:29,642 All contracts in kumran are obtained by bribery. 168 00:11:29,807 --> 00:11:31,081 Everybody knows that. 169 00:11:31,247 --> 00:11:33,920 It's all right, as long as nobody knows. 170 00:11:34,767 --> 00:11:36,962 - Shouldn’t we tell the minister? - Certainly not. 171 00:11:37,127 --> 00:11:40,517 - But if everybody knows. - Everybody else. 172 00:11:40,687 --> 00:11:44,043 We do not let a minister know what everybody else knows. 173 00:11:44,207 --> 00:11:46,801 Highness, how very nice to see you. 174 00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:50,755 Ah, Lawrence of Arabia, you're wanted in the communications room. 175 00:11:50,927 --> 00:11:52,918 Oh, good. Er, who is it? 176 00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:54,884 Napoleon! 177 00:12:02,367 --> 00:12:07,077 "It is alleged in Le Monde that the recent British contract with kumran 178 00:12:07,247 --> 00:12:09,238 was won by bribery." 179 00:12:10,047 --> 00:12:12,720 - Do you hear this, Humphrey? - Yes, indeed. 180 00:12:12,887 --> 00:12:15,560 "It's part of a hideous web of corruption 181 00:12:15,727 --> 00:12:17,683 woven by Western Industrial countries 182 00:12:17,847 --> 00:12:19,405 and Third World governments 183 00:12:19,567 --> 00:12:22,286 that forms a blot of our modern civilisation." 184 00:12:22,447 --> 00:12:25,166 - Webs don't form blots, Minister. - What? 185 00:12:26,247 --> 00:12:29,045 Well, spiders don't have any ink, you see. 186 00:12:30,287 --> 00:12:32,084 Only cuttlefish. 187 00:12:32,247 --> 00:12:35,796 - What are you talking about? - I know... 188 00:12:35,967 --> 00:12:40,165 - Thank you, Bernard. - Isn't this terrible? Baseless accusations! 189 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:42,522 Oh, yes, yes, terrible. 190 00:12:42,687 --> 00:12:45,838 Backsheesh, palm-greasing! Good God, we're British! 191 00:12:46,007 --> 00:12:48,601 Absolutely, Minister! 192 00:12:49,447 --> 00:12:51,278 It's not like the FT to print a story like this 193 00:12:51,447 --> 00:12:53,244 unless there's something behind it. 194 00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:57,205 Is there something behind it, Humphrey? 195 00:12:57,367 --> 00:12:59,756 I think the sports news Is behind it. 196 00:13:01,847 --> 00:13:05,840 - I want to know the truth, Humphrey. - I don't think you do. 197 00:13:06,607 --> 00:13:10,805 - Will you answer a direct question? - I strongly advise you not to ask one. 198 00:13:10,967 --> 00:13:13,401 - Why? - It might provoke a direct answer. 199 00:13:14,287 --> 00:13:15,640 It never has yet. 200 00:13:17,887 --> 00:13:20,924 What do you know about this? Tell me! 201 00:13:21,087 --> 00:13:25,683 Oh, well, I... Er, that is... there was. Someone did. 202 00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:28,839 A lot of gossip, that's all. Rumour, hearsay. 203 00:13:29,007 --> 00:13:29,996 Bernard? 204 00:13:30,367 --> 00:13:34,565 - One kumrani did tell me he'd received... - Hearsay, Minister. 205 00:13:34,727 --> 00:13:37,366 - Hearsay? - Yes, Bernard heard him say it. 206 00:13:39,087 --> 00:13:42,682 Are you telling me that the contract was won by bribery 207 00:13:42,847 --> 00:13:45,919 I do wish you wouldn't use words like bribery. 208 00:13:46,087 --> 00:13:50,319 What would you like me to say? Slush funds, brown envelopes? 209 00:13:50,487 --> 00:13:54,082 These are extremely crude and unworthy expressions 210 00:13:54,247 --> 00:13:57,045 for what is no more than creative negotiation. 211 00:13:57,207 --> 00:13:58,925 It is general practice. 212 00:13:59,087 --> 00:14:04,286 You do realise what you're saying? I ratified that contract in good faith! 213 00:14:04,447 --> 00:14:09,646 In that press communiqué, I announced a British success won in a fair fight! 214 00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:12,605 Yes, I did wonder about that bit. 215 00:14:12,767 --> 00:14:15,964 Now you're telling me It was got by bribery. 216 00:14:16,127 --> 00:14:19,915 - Oh, it was not got by bribery - That is not what I said. 217 00:14:20,287 --> 00:14:21,481 What did you say? 218 00:14:21,647 --> 00:14:24,605 That I'm not telling you It was got by bribery. 219 00:14:25,127 --> 00:14:28,005 How would you describe these payments? 220 00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:30,635 How does the contract describe them? 221 00:14:30,807 --> 00:14:32,445 Oh, well, that's quite simple. 222 00:14:32,607 --> 00:14:35,405 Retainers, personal donations, special discounts. 223 00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:38,035 Miscellaneous outgoings, agents' fees, 224 00:14:38,207 --> 00:14:41,199 political contributions, management expenses. 225 00:14:41,367 --> 00:14:43,517 How are these payments made? 226 00:14:43,687 --> 00:14:46,679 Anything from a numbered Swiss account 227 00:14:46,847 --> 00:14:51,443 to a fistful of used oncers slipped under the door of the gents'. 228 00:14:51,607 --> 00:14:56,601 - Do you realise how shocking this is? - That is a narrow and parochial view. 229 00:14:56,767 --> 00:14:59,725 In other parts of the world, they see things differently. 230 00:14:59,887 --> 00:15:02,879 - Sin is not a branch of geography. - But it is. 231 00:15:03,047 --> 00:15:07,643 In developing countries, the size of the extra contractual payment 232 00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:10,082 shows how serious you are. 233 00:15:10,247 --> 00:15:12,807 It's like a publisher’s advance to an author. 234 00:15:12,967 --> 00:15:17,324 Whoever pays the biggest advance expects the biggest sales. 235 00:15:17,487 --> 00:15:18,920 I don't believe it! 236 00:15:19,087 --> 00:15:21,282 Is corruption government policy? 237 00:15:21,447 --> 00:15:25,281 No, no, Minister! It could never be government policy! 238 00:15:25,447 --> 00:15:29,076 That is unthinkable! Only government practice. 239 00:15:30,007 --> 00:15:31,565 That was the press office. 240 00:15:31,727 --> 00:15:34,719 The papers want a statement about the bribery allegation. 241 00:15:34,887 --> 00:15:36,684 What am I gong to say? 242 00:15:36,847 --> 00:15:40,362 The press office can devise something convincing and meaningless. 243 00:15:40,527 --> 00:15:42,324 That's what they're paid for. 244 00:15:43,127 --> 00:15:45,925 - You're a cynic, Humphrey. - Cynic. 245 00:15:46,087 --> 00:15:49,523 A cynic is what an idealist calls a realist. 246 00:15:50,527 --> 00:15:53,724 I'll tell the truth. After all, I knew nothing of this. 247 00:15:54,167 --> 00:15:56,442 Why should I back something I never approved? 248 00:15:56,607 --> 00:15:59,804 But this contract means thousands of British jobs, 249 00:15:59,967 --> 00:16:01,798 millions of export dollars! 250 00:16:01,967 --> 00:16:06,085 Surely you won't throw all that away because of a technical irregularly? 251 00:16:06,247 --> 00:16:09,478 It's not a technical irregularly, It is corruption! 252 00:16:09,647 --> 00:16:13,560 No. Merely a few subcontracted pre-payments. 253 00:16:13,727 --> 00:16:15,479 I don't expect you to understand, 254 00:16:15,647 --> 00:16:19,276 but government is not just a question of fixing and manipulating. 255 00:16:19,447 --> 00:16:24,237 - There is a moral dimension. - Of, yes, of course, the moral dimension. 256 00:16:24,407 --> 00:16:27,001 It is never out of my thoughts. 257 00:16:27,167 --> 00:16:31,638 So if questions are asked in the press, I shall announce an inquiry. 258 00:16:31,807 --> 00:16:34,605 Splendid idea. I shall be happy to conduct it. 259 00:16:34,767 --> 00:16:37,156 No, no, no, no, no. 260 00:16:37,327 --> 00:16:41,161 No, not an internal inquiry, a real inquiry. 261 00:16:41,327 --> 00:16:43,522 - You can't be serious! - A real inquiry. 262 00:16:43,687 --> 00:16:47,202 - I beg you... - Humphrey... the moral dimension. 263 00:16:53,047 --> 00:16:55,766 - Good evening, Mrs Hacker. - Bernard, come in. 264 00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,724 - Thank you. - Is that you, Bernard? 265 00:16:57,887 --> 00:16:59,878 - Yes, Minister. - Shan't be a moment. 266 00:17:00,047 --> 00:17:01,924 There's that jar from kumran. 267 00:17:02,087 --> 00:17:05,443 A friend of mine was frightfully interested in it. 268 00:17:05,607 --> 00:17:07,916 - Really? - Jenny Goodwin from The Guardian. 269 00:17:09,687 --> 00:17:12,884 - The Guardian? - She asked where it came from. 270 00:17:13,047 --> 00:17:16,642 - A journalist? - Yes. Well, The Guardian, anyway. 271 00:17:19,047 --> 00:17:23,040 - She asked what it was worth. I said 50. - You said 50. 272 00:17:23,207 --> 00:17:26,005 Funnlly enough, she thought it was genulne. 273 00:17:26,167 --> 00:17:27,964 She thought It was genulne? 274 00:17:28,127 --> 00:17:31,119 Bernard, you sound like an answerlng machlne. 275 00:17:31,287 --> 00:17:32,402 Oh, I'm sorry. 276 00:17:32,567 --> 00:17:36,162 She wanted to rlng kumran's Embassy to ask what it was worth. 277 00:17:36,327 --> 00:17:38,318 To ask what it was worth. 278 00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:43,476 - So what did you say? - I said, by all means. 279 00:17:43,647 --> 00:17:45,717 It is only a copy, isn’t it? 280 00:17:46,927 --> 00:17:49,395 Well... so far as I'm... 281 00:17:50,287 --> 00:17:53,563 so I'm lead to... Good gracious, is that the time? 282 00:17:56,927 --> 00:17:59,760 Sorry, the minister will be a few minutes late. 283 00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:04,486 I'll come back. 284 00:18:04,647 --> 00:18:08,083 Actually, I wonder if I could have a word. 285 00:18:08,247 --> 00:18:09,362 Yes. 286 00:18:12,287 --> 00:18:15,085 - I said yes. - Yes, I know. 287 00:18:16,847 --> 00:18:18,838 You see... 288 00:18:19,007 --> 00:18:21,282 Something the matter, Bernard? 289 00:18:22,207 --> 00:18:23,845 Come on, out with it. 290 00:18:24,967 --> 00:18:27,959 Did you send the minister to the wrong dinner? 291 00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:31,364 Give him the wrong speech? 292 00:18:32,007 --> 00:18:34,999 Show him some papers we didn’t mean him to see? 293 00:18:37,927 --> 00:18:39,565 Worse? 294 00:18:41,127 --> 00:18:42,845 Much worse? 295 00:18:46,247 --> 00:18:47,839 Sit down. 296 00:18:50,127 --> 00:18:52,925 Well... tell me about it. 297 00:18:53,087 --> 00:18:56,557 You know that jar the minister was given in kumran? 298 00:18:56,727 --> 00:18:59,446 Well, the minister's wife... liked it. 299 00:18:59,607 --> 00:19:00,960 I expect she did. 300 00:19:01,127 --> 00:19:04,961 Then, when I explained the rules to her, she looked... terribly sad. 301 00:19:05,847 --> 00:19:07,963 They always do. 302 00:19:08,767 --> 00:19:12,760 She said wouldn't it be marvellous if it wasn't worth more than 50 303 00:19:12,927 --> 00:19:15,361 and she sort of... looked at me. 304 00:19:16,327 --> 00:19:19,285 But, my dear Bernard, a 17th-century vase! 305 00:19:19,447 --> 00:19:24,077 Yes, I know, but there was this terribly nice kumrani businessman 306 00:19:24,247 --> 00:19:29,401 and we had a... a... a... conversation 307 00:19:29,567 --> 00:19:33,958 and he valued it as a copy, not as an original -49.95p. 308 00:19:38,487 --> 00:19:41,479 - You believed him. - He said he was an expert. 309 00:19:41,647 --> 00:19:43,763 He spoke Arabic awfully well... 310 00:19:43,927 --> 00:19:46,646 and so I accepted his valuation in good faith. 311 00:19:46,807 --> 00:19:49,367 After all, Islam is a jolly good faith. 312 00:19:50,887 --> 00:19:53,196 You took a grave personal risk. 313 00:19:53,367 --> 00:19:55,358 You're lucky nobody's asked questions. 314 00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:58,087 A journalist saw it in the minister's house 315 00:19:58,247 --> 00:19:59,999 and asked a lot of questions. 316 00:20:00,167 --> 00:20:03,876 Mrs Hacker said it was a copy, but the press are so... 317 00:20:04,047 --> 00:20:05,878 horribly suspicious about things. 318 00:20:06,047 --> 00:20:10,325 - Despicable! - So... what shall I do? 319 00:20:10,487 --> 00:20:12,478 The minister must be told. 320 00:20:14,967 --> 00:20:17,356 Sorry to keep you. 321 00:20:17,527 --> 00:20:20,246 That's all right. Have you read my submission? 322 00:20:20,407 --> 00:20:21,726 I did, and it won’t do. 323 00:20:21,887 --> 00:20:24,924 I won't be accused of sweeping bribery under the carpet. 324 00:20:25,087 --> 00:20:29,763 If questions are asked, I will announce an independent inquiry chaired by a QC. 325 00:20:29,927 --> 00:20:33,602 You can't! That contract is worth 340 million! 326 00:20:33,767 --> 00:20:37,362 Get thee behind me, Humphrey! The moral dimension. 327 00:20:37,527 --> 00:20:42,555 Minister, if there is an inquiry, other things may come out, too. 328 00:20:42,727 --> 00:20:44,319 Such as? 329 00:20:44,487 --> 00:20:48,275 I'm afraid Bernard... has something to tell you. 330 00:20:52,487 --> 00:20:53,966 Well? 331 00:20:55,247 --> 00:20:56,282 Well? 332 00:20:56,447 --> 00:20:59,564 You know that jar the kumranis gave you? 333 00:20:59,727 --> 00:21:02,195 Yes, it’s at the flat now. Most attractive. 334 00:21:02,367 --> 00:21:06,360 I told Mrs Hacker she could keep it, as it was valued for less than 50. 335 00:21:06,527 --> 00:21:10,998 The value was awfully nice and I told him Mrs Hacker liked it a lot, 336 00:21:11,167 --> 00:21:14,523 but he may have been just, well, being helpful. 337 00:21:15,487 --> 00:21:17,045 It's all right, Bernard. 338 00:21:17,207 --> 00:21:19,960 No one will ever know. Jolly enterprising of you. 339 00:21:20,127 --> 00:21:23,005 Mrs Hacker told me a journalist was asking questions. 340 00:21:24,127 --> 00:21:27,597 - Journalist? - Can I just see that valuation? 341 00:21:30,687 --> 00:21:32,757 The Treasury isn’t too happy 342 00:21:32,927 --> 00:21:36,476 about valuations written on the backs of menus. 343 00:21:37,887 --> 00:21:40,447 It is a very good menu. 344 00:21:40,607 --> 00:21:42,279 What is it worth? 345 00:21:42,447 --> 00:21:45,120 If it’s a copy, what the valuation says. 346 00:21:45,287 --> 00:21:47,084 And if it’s... genulne? 347 00:21:47,247 --> 00:21:48,680 About 5,000. 348 00:21:48,847 --> 00:21:51,520 Oh, my God, I kept it! 349 00:21:51,687 --> 00:21:54,997 Bill from the press office wants to talk to you. 350 00:21:55,167 --> 00:21:58,762 I'm trying to deal with this problem you've landed me with! 351 00:21:58,927 --> 00:22:01,077 That's what he wants to talk to you about. 352 00:22:01,247 --> 00:22:02,236 Well? 353 00:22:02,407 --> 00:22:05,604 The Foreign and Commonwealth Office is in a frightful state. 354 00:22:05,767 --> 00:22:10,238 Mrs Hacker has told The Guardian that valuable 17th-century thing 355 00:22:10,407 --> 00:22:13,080 presented to you by kumran was a copy. 356 00:22:13,247 --> 00:22:16,603 The Guardian phoned the kumrani Embassy for their comments. 357 00:22:16,767 --> 00:22:20,680 The kumran government are incensed at the suggestion they insulted Britain 358 00:22:20,847 --> 00:22:23,122 by giving you a worthless gift. 359 00:22:23,287 --> 00:22:27,519 It's the biggest diplomatic incident since "Death of a Princess". 360 00:22:28,647 --> 00:22:33,437 There's a reporter from The Guardian demanding to see you right away. 361 00:22:39,007 --> 00:22:40,645 Yes, Bernard? 362 00:22:41,447 --> 00:22:46,646 - Minister... what are you... - Bernard, my duty is clear. 363 00:22:46,807 --> 00:22:49,799 - I have no choice. - No choice? 364 00:22:49,967 --> 00:22:53,004 No choice. I didn’t ask you to lie to my wife 365 00:22:53,167 --> 00:22:55,123 about the value of that gift. 366 00:22:55,287 --> 00:22:56,276 No, but... 367 00:22:56,447 --> 00:22:59,484 I realise you acted from the purest motives. 368 00:22:59,647 --> 00:23:03,037 But there can be no excuse for falsifying a document. 369 00:23:03,207 --> 00:23:05,038 - But I... - Let me continue. 370 00:23:05,207 --> 00:23:07,801 I cannot have it said that I asked you to do this. 371 00:23:07,967 --> 00:23:12,882 No more can I have it said that I connived at bribery and corruption. 372 00:23:13,047 --> 00:23:14,639 Enough is enough. 373 00:23:15,527 --> 00:23:18,599 If this journalist asks me straight questions 374 00:23:18,767 --> 00:23:20,359 on either of these subjects... 375 00:23:21,087 --> 00:23:23,681 I shall have to give her straight answers. 376 00:23:24,367 --> 00:23:26,323 The moral dimension. 377 00:23:27,847 --> 00:23:29,599 Minister, I agree with you. 378 00:23:29,767 --> 00:23:33,521 I see now that there is a moral dimension to everything. 379 00:23:36,847 --> 00:23:41,159 Will you tell the press about the communications room or shall I? 380 00:23:43,647 --> 00:23:44,966 What? 381 00:23:48,087 --> 00:23:51,443 You know, all the Scotch in kumran. 382 00:23:53,367 --> 00:23:56,359 You mean to tell me that... If I say... 383 00:23:58,127 --> 00:24:00,516 then you will... tell... 384 00:24:01,807 --> 00:24:03,798 and drop me in the... 385 00:24:05,647 --> 00:24:08,320 in the moral dimension. 386 00:24:10,127 --> 00:24:11,196 This is different! 387 00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:13,244 - it’s not the same thing! - Why? 388 00:24:13,407 --> 00:24:16,877 - Drinking, it’s not corruption. - No, it’s just deceit. 389 00:24:17,047 --> 00:24:19,641 - Deceit? - We have deceived the kumranis. 390 00:24:19,807 --> 00:24:21,798 I'm racked with guilt. 391 00:24:23,207 --> 00:24:25,118 Tormented by the knowledge 392 00:24:25,287 --> 00:24:29,439 that we violated their sacred Islamic law in their own country. 393 00:24:30,847 --> 00:24:35,602 Sooner or later, we'll have to own up and admit that it was all your idea. 394 00:24:35,767 --> 00:24:38,327 - It wasn’t! - It was! 395 00:24:39,567 --> 00:24:41,762 It wasn’t... was it? 396 00:24:42,447 --> 00:24:45,041 Is it 50 lashes or 100? 397 00:24:46,287 --> 00:24:50,360 I must ask you to meet this journalist. 398 00:24:50,527 --> 00:24:53,963 Oh, yes, all right. What am I gong to say? 399 00:24:54,127 --> 00:24:57,722 I suggest attack Is the best form of defence. 400 00:24:57,887 --> 00:25:02,677 Attack, attack, yes. Good thinking, Humphrey. Yes, got it. 401 00:25:03,607 --> 00:25:05,996 Miss Jenny Goodwin from The Guardian. 402 00:25:06,167 --> 00:25:10,479 Do come in. Sit down, Jenny. I may call you Jenny, may I not? 403 00:25:10,647 --> 00:25:14,037 - If you like. - Now, what seems to be the trouble? 404 00:25:14,207 --> 00:25:18,405 Two things. Both of them Rather worrying to the public. 405 00:25:18,567 --> 00:25:21,877 The first is a story that was in the French press. 406 00:25:22,047 --> 00:25:26,643 It's about corruption in BES, getting the kumrani contract. 407 00:25:26,807 --> 00:25:27,922 Complete nonsense! 408 00:25:28,087 --> 00:25:31,159 They quoted reports of payments to officials. 409 00:25:31,327 --> 00:25:33,318 Really, this is absolutely typical. 410 00:25:33,487 --> 00:25:37,400 A British company slogs its guts out to win orders, create jobs! 411 00:25:37,567 --> 00:25:40,559 What does it get from the medal? A smear campaign! 412 00:25:40,727 --> 00:25:42,365 If they won by bribery... 413 00:25:42,527 --> 00:25:45,519 There was no bribery. I had a full inquiry. 414 00:25:45,687 --> 00:25:48,485 All these payments have been identified. 415 00:25:48,647 --> 00:25:49,636 What as? 416 00:25:50,687 --> 00:25:53,247 Commission fees, administrative overheads. 417 00:25:53,407 --> 00:25:55,875 Operative costs, managerial surcharges. 418 00:25:56,047 --> 00:25:58,277 Expenses, miscellaneous outgoings. 419 00:25:58,447 --> 00:26:01,405 We have looked into every brown envelope... 420 00:26:01,567 --> 00:26:03,046 every... 421 00:26:05,287 --> 00:26:08,279 every account book and everything is completely in order. 422 00:26:08,967 --> 00:26:11,162 - I see. - May I say one thing? 423 00:26:11,327 --> 00:26:15,115 Allegations of this nature are symptomatic of a very sick society 424 00:26:15,287 --> 00:26:17,926 for which the medal shares the blame! 425 00:26:18,087 --> 00:26:19,076 The medal? 426 00:26:19,247 --> 00:26:21,807 Why are you putting thousands of jobs at risk? 427 00:26:21,967 --> 00:26:24,959 I'll call on the Press Council to censure the press 428 00:26:25,127 --> 00:26:27,880 for its lack of professionalism in running this story. 429 00:26:28,047 --> 00:26:31,244 The Council and the House of Commons must be concerned 430 00:26:31,407 --> 00:26:35,286 about the standards which have applied in this disgraceful matter. 431 00:26:35,447 --> 00:26:37,915 Pressure will be brought to bear to make sure 432 00:26:38,087 --> 00:26:40,806 that this gutter press reporting Is not repeated. 433 00:26:42,287 --> 00:26:43,720 I see. 434 00:26:44,247 --> 00:26:46,442 Well, there is this other question. 435 00:26:46,607 --> 00:26:48,518 It's about the rosewater jar 436 00:26:48,687 --> 00:26:51,406 apparently presented to you in kumran. 437 00:26:51,567 --> 00:26:54,718 - Yes? - I saw it in your flat, actually. 438 00:26:54,887 --> 00:26:58,277 - Yes, we're keeping it there, temporally. - Temporally? 439 00:26:58,447 --> 00:27:01,837 - Yes, it’s very valuable. - Mrs Hacker said it was an imitation. 440 00:27:02,007 --> 00:27:03,998 Burglars, girl, burglars! 441 00:27:04,167 --> 00:27:08,763 And you've gossip! That's until we can get rid of it. 442 00:27:08,927 --> 00:27:10,042 Get rid of it? 443 00:27:10,207 --> 00:27:13,756 I'll present it to our local museum this weekend. 444 00:27:13,927 --> 00:27:17,203 I can't hold onto it, you know. It's government property. 445 00:27:18,047 --> 00:27:20,436 Now... what was your question? 446 00:27:22,767 --> 00:27:25,327 No... er... that's all right, actually. 447 00:27:25,487 --> 00:27:28,684 Um... I... No, no, no, that's fine. 448 00:27:28,847 --> 00:27:31,680 - Nothing more? - No, no, that's all. 449 00:27:31,847 --> 00:27:33,883 Well, good of you to drop in. 450 00:27:34,607 --> 00:27:36,996 - Thank you, Minister. - Goodbye, Jenny. 451 00:27:40,567 --> 00:27:42,956 Superb, Minister. 452 00:27:45,647 --> 00:27:48,639 - Thank you, Minister. - Oh, well, it was nothing. 453 00:27:48,807 --> 00:27:52,800 We must stick by one's friends, eh, Humphrey? Eh, Bernard? 454 00:27:53,767 --> 00:27:55,564 Loyalty. 455 00:27:56,527 --> 00:27:58,199 Yes, Minister.