Ahh! What?!
Noo!
-What's going on? Oh my head!
-Nooo! -Oh God!
-Noooo. Ahh! -Ahh! Ahh!
Ahhh. Ahh.
- We got married! Ahh! - Ahhhh.
-Ohhh! -What? What the...?!
-My bridesmaid. -No! What's that cat?
Ring bearer.
-You've got to be kidding me.
Oh no! Oh no!
No. -Mmmm.
Oh my God! Oh my God!
You don't think that we...? -What?
-Y'know...
-What? No! What? What are you talking about?
-What if we had sex Gerry?!
-Oh, I'm supposed to get that from half a sentence?
Can you finish your sentence? -It's okay, it's totally fine.
'Cause, you know why?
Because we're both fully clothed, so clearly, nothing happened!
Yay!
-No, no, I wouldn't be so sure of that.
-But your shirt's still tucked in, Gerry.
-Doesn't mean anything! That's my thing! -What?
-After I do "it", I get fully dressed. It's just something I've always done.
-That is super weird, but I'm still dressed.
And that's certainly not my thing. So...
-Doesn't mean anything either, 'cause I dress the other person too.
-That is so creepy, Gerry.
-Creepy would be leaving you they're naked, while I'm fully dressed to the nines
That would be creepy. But because I'm a gentleman...
And I have class, I find your clothes and I put them on you.
Perfectly! As I have possibly done in this case.
-I'm gonna go to the shower and...Scrub...Everything.
-Well, I'm going back to bed. Who goes to school this early?
Like, what are you going to do? Mark?
♪ -Ahhhh.
♪ I'm awesome, no you're not dude, don't lie ♪
♪ I'm awesome, I'm driving around in my moms ride ♪
♪ I'm awesome, a quarter of my life gone by ♪
♪ I'm awesome ♪
-Bell's gonna ring, let's get to class.
-Gerry, we need to talk.
-Yeah, what? About how you used me for my body last night?
And wouldn't drive me to work. -No one can know about this.
-Obviously! You think I'm proud of this?
That was probably the best night you've ever had.
For me, that's the lowest I've ever stooped, Lisa.
-Oh, come on. -Rock bottom for Gerry Duncan last night.
-That's great, I get it, okay.
Mum's the word, alright? -I'm not telling a soul.
It's embarrassing even walking in with you.
No, no, no, no, no.
-In my country, when two people get married,
we say "congratulations."
-What? -It means "all the best."
-No, how do you know we got mar...
You've been bragging all over town, haven't you?
-What? Are you crazy, Gerry? -I receive all-staff e-blast.
E-blast?
- Congrats, sir. - You too, Miss Mason.
-The kids know. -The children. The children know.
-You cc'd all student. A tad unprofessional, if you ask Malik.
-What were you thinking? -Over the top.
My life is ruined.
My life is over. -Your life?! Your life?!
-This is creds for you. -Oh, come on!
Guess what? -Oh, ahh...
They found Uncle Tommy? The nightmare is over?
-Nope...I convinced mother to invite you over for dinner again.
-I thought she hated me. -She...
Did. But...
It was nothing a little sweet Simon pillow talk couldn't fix.
-I knew she wasn't a monster. -Be careful.
-So, what can I bring to dinner? -Anything...Except pie.
Don't...Don't bring pie.
-Yeah, I feel like pie was a real trigger last time.
-Sorta working through that. -Maybe a tart?
-I would say let's avoid the whole pie/cake family.
Right. -You know what?
Don't bring anything.
-Nothing? -This is gonna be so fun.
-Yeah...Okay...
-Okay, let's open up our...
Congratulations Mr...
Ha. Very funny.
Maybe you're not aware of how marriage works.
For your information, when a woman marries a man
she actually takes his last name. Because we are still...
The king of the castle. So, that is a very ignorant comment.
-Either way, good job marrying up, Mr. Mason.
Oh, yeah right!
Pretty sure Ms. Mason is the one that married up.
Obviously, girls? Right?
-This is such a surprise, Mr. Mason. I thought you were gay.
'Cause I'm pretty?
Pretty hand... 'Cause I'm handsome?
Pretty handsome. Is that why? That makes sense.
-Mr. Mason, if you're such a good catch, are you saying you settled for Ms. Mason?
-I don't settle. Okay? Mr. Mason doesn't settle.
'Cause Mr. Mason can get...
Mr. Duncan...Mr. D...
Can get who he wants to get, so I don't settle.
Open your books. Let's go.
-Ladies. -Oh hey, Lisa.
-What's new? -Nothing. What's new with you?
-Well, Bobbi was just telling me about the
time she made the worst mistake of her life.
And how disgusted and ashamed she felt.
-Mmm hmm and then Trudy was talking about how...
She got super loaded one night and then married this huge...
This huge loser. -Mmmm.
And then, of course we realized that we were both talking about you.
-Yeah! So, awkward.
-Okay, yes, I married Gerry.
-And that was after he had publicly proposed to another woman.
Which makes you Gerry's... -Just wait for this part.
Second choice for a wife...
-Ahhh, wow! Let that wash over you!
-That day. -Alright.
I did a terrible thing. -Mmm.
-Okay? Guilty. But we've all done stupid stuff.
I don't think like that.
-You and Robert in the car. -What?
-How about the cold cut buffet with Dwyer? Just...
Bon appétit. -I don't know how you know that.
-Oh, I must have told her. -Thank you.
-Trudy? You and your brother... -Your brother? Ewww!
-Well, it's complicated. -Yeah, I should hope so.
-It's disgusting! So let's cut Lisa a little slack.
Okay?
-She's kinda right. -Yeah.
Y'know, sometimes the heart wants what the stomach can't keep down.
I have the image of your brother in my mind. Ugh.
Yeah, me too.
Come on, come on.
This book is overdue.
Hey! don't you dare re-shelve that.
Hello, Spencer. I wanted to offer my condolences...
Oh, nobody died?
Well that's surprising because your book's a week late.
Please tell me you didn't dog ear that copy of
Great Expectations.
-Ms. Terdie? -Do you see what's going on here?
-Ah, yes. You seem swamped.
I'll say it again.
This library's the only thing standing between these kids and
full blown, hard-core illiteracy and it is seriously understaffed.
I need an assistant.
Well, what would you say to thirty assistants?
-If you're not going to take me seriously...
-I am though. Behold, the first shipment of e-readers.
How's that supposed to help me?
It's the entire library at the push of a button.
-That technology is light years away.
-Really? -Can you help me find Animal Farm?
-Sure, I'll just look it up here... -Ah, no need.
-Locked and loaded, Connie. -But, you need to check that out.
-She doesn't, see she's already checked in...
To the future.
All you have to do is enter your student ID...
And Robert's your uncle.
It's usually Bob, . but my name's Robert.
-Well, I'll be damned.
-Ms. Mason, I need to speak to you for a second.
- Oooh! -No, we hardly like each other.
Go to class.
Ah, listen babe...
-Did you just call me "babe?" -I...Yes, 'cause we're married.
That's what you're supposed to do, I don't like it either.
Speaking of which, we gotta go get this annulled right now.
-Okay. But don't you have class? -Who's asking me?
Principal or wife? -Your principal.
-No class. -Your wife?
-I do, I have the grade twelves.
Don't tell anyone. -Gerry, you can't just...
You know, this is way more important.
-That's what I love about you. -Okay. What are you doing?
-I was going to kiss you, 'cause I am your husband.
-No! -But not in front of the kids. I get it.
-Or anywhere else, in front of anyone else.
-I don't know what I was thinking. Bad, bad Gerry.
Dumb idea.
Well, this is nice.
-Hi. -Oh Bobbi! So nice to see you!
What can I help you with?
-Well, you know how we have health class scheduled later on?
-Sure do! I've been preparing for it all morning.
-Okay, well we're going to go ahead and cancel that
and just stay in the classroom and work off these e-readers instead.
-Wait, you might want to reconsider because I put aside some nifty hardcovers
about the digestive system and I think your class would really
enjoy some of the pop up illustra...
Never liked that bitch anyway.
So, I was just...
I was just tying my shoelace. So...
- What? - Nothing.
Pop up.
-Before finalizing the annulment I need to ask a few questions.
-Pft! I've been answering questions all day about this.
-Sorry? -Well, people are surprised that I would...
So I've been getting that all day.
-Oh, right. So, was either party already married prior to the nuptials?
-No, no one's every married me.
-She did sleep with my roommate. Add that to your notes.
-Does either party lack the mental capacity to understand what marriage entails?
-No. -We do not understand that question.
-Was the marriage consummated? -Absolutely not.
Ah, we're still trying to determine that your honour.
No we're not.
-I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you two were intoxicated at the time of marriage.
Annihilated.
- Yeah, very, blind drunk! - Blackout.
- Couldn't see a thing. - Had I seen a thing, ahh uhh.
Absolutely wasted.
-You know, I think we're there. I think we're done.
- Okay. Wow. - There you go, you hold onto that.
-Oh, thank God. -Phew! We got outta that.
-Hey, you know the rule about bringing those into school.
Spit the nuts out of your mouth or I'll give you something to really choke on.
-Mr. Cheeley! About the e-readers...
- Uh huh? New shipment just arrived. Just put a rush order in for more.
-Thing is...I don't need any help.
What's a few extra hours of unpaid overtime? It's no biggie.
I hope you kept the receipt for all those...
Silly, stupid e-readers.
-You're kidding, right? -Huh?
-I mean, look around. -Ah.
I mean...
-Oh my God. -We might not even need a library anymore.
-What?
Hey, it's lunch. Go play outside!
-But I want to read from my tablet! You can't make me play!
-Ah. -Loving the new e-readers, Ms. Terdie.
-E tu, bitch?
-These mashed potatoes are so buttery.
Oh, thank you Nisha.
Of course, it's margarine but how could you know?
- Right. - This is so nice.
My favourite lady sitting across from my other favourite lady.
And me in between. Right in the middle.
Well, I'm so glad that we did this, Mrs. Hunt.
I really want us to get along.
-If my Simon is happy, then I'm happy.
-What a nice thing to say.
I wonder who that is.
Simon, do you mind? -Of course.
- This is going really well. - -Right?
-Mother, Soul Patch is here.
-It's Steven. -Oh...It's Steven.
- Mother? A word? - Oh, excuse us.
-Yeah.
Yes, honey?
-This was supposed to be an intimate threesome.
What the heck is Soul Patch doing here?
-You know how I feel about your pie peddling prostitute.
-If you want me to give Nisha a chance then you give Steven a chance.
-You wanna dance? Let's dance.
-To the dissolution of our marriage!
Dodged a bullet.
You guys have had quite the forty eight hours.
- Yeah, we certainly have. - -Could you imagine us married?
-Oh, you're nagging? Your voice? Your nitpicking?
No, I could not. -Okay, pump the brakes there.
Alright? You're no picnic yourself. I mean you're offensive, you're lazy...
-Stupid. -Yeah, you're a little stupid.
Stupid?
When you thought we owned the house we rent.
-Oh, sorry I'm not a bank manager who does mortgages.
Or a real estate agent. -Well, po-tay-to po-tah-to.
-To us. -To the end of us.
-End of us. That's what I meant to say. -Yes.
- Tequila. - Oh hoho.
Oh boy, that's the one. -Ooh. Cheers.
- Mmm hmm. - What flavour is it?
- It's tequila flavoured. - Alright, special occasion.
- I believe in you. - Nope.
- Oh. - Nope. Nope. Nope.
I'll do my own shot. Mmmm. Mmmm.
Mmm hmm. Have another one of those.
I don't drink things that taste like fruit.
Mmm.
- Can I have another tequila? - Yes.
Mmm mm mm mm mm.
Mmm! These mashed potatoes are to die for.
- What is this? Margarine? - Oh. Yes.
-Seriously? -It ain't butter, I know that much.
It ain't butter.
-It ain't butter.
-So, Steven, what made you choose motivational speaking?
-Oh, Nisha, I'm so glad you asked me that question.
Motivational speaking is a calling, so I didn't choose it so much as...
It chose me. -Okay. And, um...
Did you have to study for it? Or...
-No, I don't believe in standardized tests.
-Nisha, Steven is gifted... With inspiration.
-Oh my... -Something...
That I find pretty darn sexy.
Oh, uh oh.
- Oh, you are bad! - Hey!
You're so bad.
You're always putting things in my mouth.
That is it!
Simon!
I have had it up to here with this tom foolery.
You can do so much better than this knob!
-Well, I could say the very same thing about you and your floozy.
-Floozy!?
Well at least my floozy isn't a pile of human garbage
with a weasel face I can't even look at without wanting to ralph!
- Hey! - What the...?
-I happen to love this face!
- Well, big surprise there. - You love that face?
You love that face?
Okay.
Time to choose, mother. Because it's him or me.
- What? - Simon.
-It's him or it's me. -Honey.
Steven and I...We have something special.
You know how hard it is for me to get naturally lubricated with a man.
-I know. -Why does he know that?
-With Steven...Well, it's just different.
-It's way easier, it's easy. -Gross!
-Him...
Or me. -Oh, don't make me choose.
-You just did. -Oh.
-Simon?
- So... - Nisha, let's go!
-Thank you for having me.
-She's no good for him. -She's such a slut.
Oh no! Oh no!
Anyone but Lisa.
Please be anyone but Lisa.
-Ahhhhhh!
You're not going to believe what I did last night.
You married Lisa.
-How the hell do you know that? -You told me. Before you left the bar.
-So you let friends drink and marry?
-Who am I to stand in the way of love? -Love!? It's Lisa.
-And you could do a lot worse, Gerry. -It's Lisa, Bill!
-You keep saying that, but if you take away her voice and
her laugh and her personality.
And the cat thing. What you have left is not half bad.
-It's still Lisa. -Plus you're forty and...
Forty and unmarried is getting pretty close to weird uncle territory.
-True. -You ticked off that marriage box buddy.
Right buddy? That was big for you and you did it.
-I did check that box off, didn't I? I'm married now.
-And she's got a nice place. -She does.
What the hell was that?
-Ticked off a pretty weird box myself last night.
-Weirdo! Her, not you.
-So this is how it ends.
In with the new, out with the old!
No use for us anymore.
The world has mooooooooved on.
Spark damn you.
-Ms. Terdie?
-Oh. Hello, Lucy. -I'm looking for Of Mice and Men.
-Just fire up your tablet. -I mean the book.
I don't like the tablets, the screen hurts my eyes.
-Oh.
Oh, what a terrible shame.
That sounds just awful.
Well, let me see what I can do for you.
I know I saw it in here somewhere.
It's on the north side of the mountain I'm sure.
It's here somewhere.
Oh! Here it is.
You're not a smoker, are you? Oh good.
That's due back Friday.
-Never a dull moment, right?
Let me tell you one thing, I will never drink with this guy again. Swearsies!
I mean who gets married by accident twice in two days?
It's crazy. -We did.
- What? - We got married twice.
But what does it mean?
You're slow learners, who can't hold your liquor.
-Exactly. So just sign on the line there, Gerry.
-What I'm saying is maybe we are rushing this second annulment.
Okay, what are you trying to say?
-I'm single and you're single and lonely. Always alone.
And we're not getting any younger.
Aren't you tired of your whole life being...
Work, cats. Work, cats. Work, cats.
Don't you want something... -Gerry...
There's more to me than just work and cats.
-You know what they say: Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice and that's fate. -Okay, nobody says that.
-I'm paraphrasing.
He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother By: The Soldiers ♪ The road is long ♪
♪ With many a winding turns ♪
♪ That leads us to who knows where ♪
♪ Who knows where ♪
♪ But I'm strong ♪
Come on in.
-I didn't know where else to go. -You're home now, buddy.
Whaddya got in here? -Oh.
-Ah this is great. -For hiding in trees.
That's for hiding in plaid.