-I gotta say, when Lisa first introduced the buddy bench,
I was skeptical.
Explain how it works again.
-Well, if a kid doesn't have anyone to play with,
he sits on the bench.
And then, hopefully, someone will come along and be his buddy.
-That's pretty brave of Charlie, sitting there by himself.
-Yeah, and a little pathetic.
Hey, Amanda Susan! Come here. - Yeah?
Why don't you go and play with Charlie. He's all by himself.
What's in it for me?
Ten bucks.
Poor kid. - I got this.
Your all heart. -No, no, no, hold on a second.
- Mr. Duncan's got this. -Well, this is a nice surprise.
-You guys are forgetting something. He's an idiot!
-Give him a shot, give him a shot.
- -Wow! - See?
-So naive.
- -Told ya. - That's cold.
-Yeah. -Right.
- Is it possible that we've misjudged this moron?
- Keep watching.
- -There we go. -Nope.
Ouch.
- See. He's an idiot.
♪ I'm awesome, no you're not dude, don't lie ♪
♪ I'm awesome, I'm driving around in my mom's ride ♪
♪ I'm awesome, a quarter of my life gone by ♪
♪ I'm awesome ♪
- Morning wifey. -Hi.
-Thought I'd drop some things off before school.
Do the move in stages. You get it, right?
Yeah, so... -Whoa, look at this!
I guess we're doing this thing, huh?
-We're married, Lisa. Married people live together.
-I thought about you moving into our place.
But, you had sex with Bill. So that's weird.
And, Simon's there so it's a bit crowded.
-My place it is then.
- Oh, Bill and I like to watch the games all the time.
So, I just brought that. Face the...
-Oh, okay.
-Oh! I almost forgot. ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah ♪
♪ Bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, do, do, do, do ♪
-Aw! -♪ Do, do, do, do, ba da ♪
Are these from the lobby?
What's that smell?
Cats! Good news! You can get rid of your cats.
-I'm not getting rid of my cats, Gerry.
-You're not sad and alone anymore. Gerry's here.
Okay. Come here, bring it in.
-Okay, there is a small part of me that...
- That really appreciates that, Gerry.
-A big part of me is wondering, why would you have a couch
in an angle, away...? -This is where the couch goes.
No! But...the...
- Let's move it.
Let's move the couch. -I'm not moving my couch.
-No, Lisa, I can't watch the TV. This is marriage, I'm sorry.
Give and take. I'm taking...
The couch in a position I need it. I watch a lot of sports.
- Hey! Hey!
Hey! Wastes of space.
-Cats like it straight. -There's pills to put them down.
What?! - Let's stop fighting, first of all.
I don't want Bill to see this. Okay?
- Let's move the couch. Give and take.
I will take the couch, this way. Ready? And...
Lift. Go. -Oh!
You broke the couch, Gerry. -Oh, gosh Lisa.
That's coming out of your money, 'cause I don't have money for that.
-Oh SHUT UP!
-What the hell are you doing? -What does it look like I'm doing?
Adding five, maybe ten years to my life. -Seems selfish.
Excessive sitting is the new smoking okay. And it's killing you all.
-Yeah, something's definitely killing me Robert,
but it's not sitting.
Why? 'Cause I'm being productive and getting healthy at the same time?
-Also, acting unprofessionally while looking disgusting.
My office, my rules.
I don't...come in your As...
- Robert. -...ton Martin and tell you how to drive.
It's a good stress reliever, you should give it a whirl.
Over my dead body.
See, that's what we're trying to prevent here.
Excuse me, I think this is a donor... Hello!
- Do you know what the best part of being married is Lisa?
- Not being alone at the end.
-Being able to double park during my morning pit stops.
-Well, I don't understand why you couldn't just pick everything up from one place.
Where is my stupid cell phone. -Because it's a routine!
I always get my muffin from the muffin shop.
I get my bagel from the bagel shop.
You don't even want to know where I get my smoothie.
-You got it from the smoothie shop. -Busted!
-Your little pit stops, Gerry, are making us both late.
-Don't worry about being late. I'm late all the time, no one even notices.
-Your boss notices. -Robert?!
He doesn't notice. Trust me.
I walk by his office everyday.
Hey, listen, don't tell him either, okay?
That stays in the marriage vault. There's your phone.
-Oh my God, I have...
A conference call with the board in three minutes.
Oh my God. Ugh!
Oh crap!
Oof! Uuuurggghhh!
My wife ladies and gentlemen.
- Ah, that's fast. - Outta my way, excuse me.
- I'm the principal...Oh! -I gotta clean this up.
This will take me half an hour.
And there's the bell.
-Oh, hey Bobbi how you doing? -Oh, hey!
Inspirational.
-What's that? -Huh?
Oh, that's just the word that Eva used.
-Oh, who's Eva? -Oh, she's just an old student of mine.
She just wrote me this beautiful letter. - Oh...
-Basically thanking me for giving her and some other students a...
Moving speech about how important it is to focus on your dreams.
- Wow, great stuff. - Wow, isn't that nice.
You know what... Stay with me for a second.
It's actually... It's actually more than nice, because...
Now she's like this accomplished singer and songwriter.
And she's doing an album release concert tonight...
And that... Is because of moi!
-Wow! All because of you. -Yeah, wow!
-Like, I made that happen... With my words.
-It must have been some speech. -I mean, we forget...
About the importance of our influence on these kids.
And then you get something...
-Oh, you're gonna cry. -You get something like this.
- Oh. - Oh my goodness.
-And you think this is why we do what we do.
-Yes sir, that's exactly right. -That's the reason we do it.
-And I'm gonna think about that. -Bye Bobbi.
- Yeah, I'm just not quite finished. - Okay, not done.
-I'm just wondering, have you guys ever got a letter like this?
Like this beautiful?
Umm, no... I... You know what? I haven't, but...
Maybe one day. - Yeah.
- Probably not.
-Maybe one day.
Gerry, what do you want?
I need to speak to you about me teaching Phys Ed.
-No.
-As my boss, and more importantly my wife,
you need to look after your teachers...
And your husband.
-'Cause a happy husband is a happy life-band.
-Okay... -Great! I'll tell Bobbi.
-No. I mean, okay... I...
This marriage is not working for me.
-What? -I mean, we've given it a whirl.
We've gone around that merry-go-round... Twice.
And we are clearly, horribly...
Murderously incompatible. -Okay, agree to disagree.
But, just don't let the moment get you all upset.
-I want an annulment. Another one.
-Well, I shoulda seen that coming.
'Cause you slept with all my friends before we got married.
Okay... -If that wasn't a sign of a problem...
- Really? Bill's your only friend?
-You don't get to hurt me anymore. That's how that works, Missy.
Where did we finish on the Phys Ed?
-Get out Gerry. -Later. We'll talk later.
-Bye.
-One minute I'm married, the next minute I'm not.
-Gerry, sometimes marriages end and we don't know why.
In this case, of course, it's obvious.
The odds of it working out were really low.
-She was a very different girl the second time we got married.
Let me ask you this. -Anything.
How are things in the uh...
Boudoir?
To be honest, I don't really know.
Um, we woke up a couple times in bed together.
We may or may not have had relations the first time.
The second time we did not. So, things are definitely getting worse.
Well, what else can you tell me?
Think Gerry. Any little detail can help.
-No, I think I've told you everything. That's pretty much...
No favorite positions, or a toy?
Or like a sexy little birthmark that I can think about or...
Like anything at all would help.
A trigger, safe word? Come on.
- Ahhh. -Anything, anything.
-Maybe this was a bad idea, Frank. I think I'm gonna go.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. I got a little greedy there. Mea culpa.
But you want some real talksies?
Yes, that's why I'm here.
-Every little girl dreams about her wedding.
- And our Lisa has had two of them,
and the drunken lush can't remember either.
-You can't say that. Technically, she's still my wife you're talking about.
And she's my boss.
She's also a lady who used to be a little dream filled girl.
And a person.
If you want to stay married, you've got to do this right.
-Wow! You're good.
I never looked at it that way.
- I'm not just a guidance counsellor, I'm also...
-My friend and I appreciate it. You don't have to remind me.
-I was going to say a licensed sexual surrogate, but thank you.
-What?! -I've got, like, a special skill.
Yeah.
I can satisfy women without them falling in love with me.
-Right.
-So, we can put a smile on her face and a ring on her finger as a team.
- I'm gonna go... And I'm gonna erase that...
From my memory, okay?
- If you're a bad boy again...
- I'm going to get off...
- This treadmill.
- To drag you to detention...
- Myself!
- Um...Robert! -What...?
What the hell is this business?
-I kept sweating through my daywear,
so I thought I'd slip into something a bit more...
Appropriate.
-There is nothing appropriate about this.
What?
Did it ever occur to you that you might be sending the wrong message to the students?
Pft!
Did it ever occur to you that I might be leading by example?
Teaching them about living with an active lifestyle.
- Next victim. Let's go.
- Hello.
- Lisa, when I said we were fated to be together,
despite how gross it seemed...
Thank you, Gerry. I meant it.
Okay, Gerry, I don't have the time...
Really? You wrote that on a card?
Seriously?
- But, I realize that we didn't do it right.
No, 'cause we were drunk.
- Where were your friends and family?
I do have friends, Gerry.
- But you do have parents and they should have been there.
- No, no they shouldn't have been.
-My son, you might want to speak your true feelings.
-Do not encourage him, please.
You did not invite my parents... Gerry!
Surprise! - Ahhh.
Let's do it right.
Those aren't my parents. Okay, I'm going to leave.
And in five minutes when I come back I want this gong show out of my office.
Okay? Father.
- I'm so excited. Yeah. -Yeah, it's exciting.
-A real nice energy in here. -Yeah
- I'm really proud, you know.
-Yeah. -Yeah
-Oh, here we go. Yay Eva! -Ahhh!
Before I get started tonight,
I just want to give a big shout out to my former high school teacher.
She's here tonight and she's the reason I do what I do.
Ms. Galka, why don't you come up here?
- Wow, what, okay. - Oh.
- Whoo!
-Oh my gosh, thanks Eva! Ohh.
-I can't take all the credit.
But I can take, you know, a lot of it.
I support you 100% in everything you do, Eva.
- Okay! Go for it!
♪ White as a cloud White as the snow ♪
♪ White as the best part Of an Oreo ♪
Here. Here.
♪ White as flour Or my white laundry ♪
♪ 'Cause white is the colour Jesus wants us to be ♪
♪ When this world looks dour ♪
♪ It nee... ♪ - Please don't say it.
♪ White Power ♪
♪ Ooooh White Power ♪
No no no no no.
What is she saying?
♪ Mmmm White Power ♪ -Okay.
- ♪ Ooooh ♪ -This is happening.
-That's one of the shortest songs I've ever heard.
- Shhhh. -One verse, one chorus and you're out.
Aren't husbands the worst?
- You know the trick to a strong marriage?
Ventilation!
Come on and vent with us gals!
Really?
Well, yeah. You're a member of the club now.
The club?
-The married club.
I've never belonged to a club before.
-Single people just don't understand.
-No. No, they don't.
-Y'know, sometimes we get together on Saturday nights and have a couple drinks.
-To get away from the hubbies. You should join.
-Oh my God! Yes, I would love to!
- It's been so long since I've had friends.
Or... Been out with friends.
- Oh, how fun is this?
-Oh, the married club is the most fun.
-There you are!
Excuse me, ladies. Sorry to interrupt.
I thought you should know that I am fine and I am moving on from us,
even though I thought we had something.
You're so hilarious!
He's always pulling silly pranks like this.
- My husband, everyone.
You said you wanted another annulment. What's going on?
What, why would I want an annulment when I'm married?
That doesn't even make any sense, Gerry.
- You're such a joker.
- top joking you stupid moron. -What a joke.
-The ol' ball and chain. -Oh!
-Okay, okay. -Oh, married, again.
I always wanted to be called ball and chain.
-This is so cool.
-Here we go. -I guess we're doing this.
-Just a married couple about to jump into bed together.
That's normal, right? -It's no biggie.
We woke up in the same bed. -Hmmm.
Whoo. - This is that, but in reverse.
-Let's go.
Let's hit the hay.
Oh yeah, my ah... My first threesome.
- The cat.
-Okay, this isn't working. -Yeah, that didn't work at all.
-No. - I threw up a little in my mouth there.
Oh man! Ugh! That was gross.
Wow, I was enjoying being married, not to you, but...
I had crossed off my bucket list item.
-I was really liking having human friends.
You know what?
- Why do we have to be married the conventional way?
Why can't we be married our own way?
Keep the good stuff, lose the gross stuff like having to lie in bed next to you.
I'm listening.
There's no rule that you have to live in the same place
and sleep in the same bed with your wife.
Yeah. I mean...
That's a fabricated societal construct is what that is.
-I don't know what that means, but,
why can't we just stay married for our own benefit?
No reason.
You don't want to live with me, I don't want to live with you.
-No argument here. - Oh my god, marriage without commitment.
That's the best! -Sounds amazing! It's perfect.
-We're a great team. -We are such a good team, aww.
-People will be jealous of our marriage.
-Get out Gerry. -Alright, gladly.
Get the hell out of here.
I just don't get it. I mean, how could I inspire that?
I really think you're reading too much into these lyrics.
Yeah? -Yeah.
Don't beat yourself up. Okay.
What's one bad white supremacist apple in like...
-An orchard of race loving...
Open-minded mixed fruit.
-Fruit... Mixed fruit. -Yes.
-I was thinking the exact same thing. -There you go.
- So, I tracked down a couple of people that
were there the day I made the speech to Eva.
- And I'm sure that they are upstanding members of society.
-One's a prostitute and the other one's a drug dealer.
What did you say to those kids?
I don't remember.
- And remember, 'cause I don't want to have to tell you girls this again.
You need to change your attitudes, focus on what matters.
Focus on your future!
God, you have dreams, don't you?
The way you guys are playing it right now, all those dreams?
Just say goodbye.
Goodbye to everything that's in your future
because you have such a huge attitude problem!
-Hey, Miss Galka. -What?
I was reading this article.
Did know that drug dealers, prostitutes and white supremacist
singer/ songwriters make more money than teachers do?
That's unbelievable.
Just thought I'd let you know, so... Hey girls.
-Oh! Yup, yup. There it is. Now I remember.
-Hi, this is Ms. Walsh from Xavier Academy.
I'm calling to remind you that...
- That's the stuff buddy. You're in the pocket now.
Sorry.
- Man my quads are tight.
- Feel that deep burn.
I'm gonna have to call you back.
- Check me out, Trudy! I'm getting lots of work done.
My stress levels are way down!
You should totally get one of these.
-Y'know, you're right about the treadmill.
Big stress reliever.
-Hey Gerry! So I'm collecting donations to end poverty.
Which is like really, obviously super bad!
- And I was wondering if you would be willing to open your heart...
And your wallet. - Let me stop you right there.
Yup.
If it was up to me I'd give you every cent I have.
But I'm married, so I gotta check with Lisa.
'Cause we do everything together.
- We discuss finances, so... -Yeah, that's cool.
-So, if you can get Lisa on board, I'm on board.
Check with her, okay? -Okay, I get it. That's cool.
- Yeah, I know about that.
-Hey Lisa! -Hey.
- So I am collecting donations to end all of...
Poverty! Just all of it.
I was hoping that you would open your heart and your wallet...
-Ooh, I would just love to, but I'm married now.
- So I can't dip into the finances without checking with my hubby.
-Okay, well...
He just said the same thing about you, so...
-'Cause we're married. It's a married thing so...
-She doesn't get it. -I get it.
-How could she? -Go on! Git!
Get out of here!
-Funny little spinster. -Oh, she needs cats.
Hey! There he is! -Surprise!
What is this?
- We figured since we didn't celebrate your marriage...
We put together a little... -Breakfast Bachelor Party!
-Boom! -Wow! That's awesome!
Who's sleeping on the couch?
-Bill got you a stripper! -A str...!
-She was working a nightshift though,
so she's taking a quick power nap, sleep it off.
I can't have a stripper.
I'm married now, I can't be...
-You're married to someone you don't live with, so...
-Is that really a marriage? -Is that a marriage
-Yes, it is, because...2016!
-That's a good point. -Yeah, that's a fair point.
If it's good enough for the country, it's good enough for me.
So...?
- What do you want me to do?
- Do you want me to get rid of her? -No, let her sleep.
-Let her sleep, let her sleep that's good. That's nice, man.
- Just keep it down, we'll have the bachelor party.
- Yeah! -We'll let the stripper sleep.